Do you have to fancy someone immediately? It is slow burn a real thing?

[Lmnop22]

I went on a date with a really nice guy a week or so ago but there were no romantic sparks and no attempt to flirt on his part (or mine I suppose!)

He’s asked me to go out with him again on Monday and we got on well, no awkward pauses, flowing conversation etc but would it be wrong to go out again if I don’t fancy him already? Or have others taken a while to warm up? He seems very lovely, I just don’t know if it’s a romantic thing.

For a bit of background, I am a single mum to two very young kids and was cheated on by my previous partner so haven’t dated in 8 years and I’ve lost confidence with it all…

I'd always be suspicious of instant attraction as it gets in the way of getting to know someone for the right reasons. I've had a couple of slow burners. The more you see someone, the more you like them but if not, move on.
For me, I can't stand mediocre personality or looks wise. I never go for traditionally 'handsome' men. There has to be something about them, their personality for me to feel attracted.

Not sure that makes sense but hope so, lol.

My DH and I were a slow burn.

Then we caught fire

Nerves can get in the way etc and it's possible to switch off from 'romantic mode' and take a while to get back into that way of thinking.

Unless you know you absolutely couldn't fancy him at all, then
I'd give it three dates and if no hint of any spark then stop there.

If there is something by then then go with it until you reach a clear 'no' in your head.

That's how I do dating anyway

I gave up on online dating sites when I realised that every man I've ever really been attracted to I definitely didn't fancy until I'd got to know them. So me meeting strangers and expecting a spark is pretty pointless.

Did you find him attractive?

I have never fancied anyone until I get to know them.

Dh and I were completely platonic friends for over a year before we got together.

I think it was a slow burn with DH and I. But then I always take a while to warm up to people if that makes sense.

It suddenly hit after a few dates / seeing each other with friends etc in different settings. He is now my absolute best friend who I still fancy and adore 8 years on and who I would be completely lost without!

I went on a date in November and whilst I found him attractive, there wasn’t a spark for me. So I politely declined a follow up date. He was a really nice guy though

Did a shit load of work on myself to avoid that initial wave of lust and look for a potential life partner and what qualities I need them to have. Not just chemistry.

He came up on ‘friends I may know’ at the beginning of May so I added him and we have had a real slow burn of getting to know each other. FaceTime loads and had a few lovely dates and snogs

He is actually a really great catch and I nearly let him go because I didn’t feel that I initial chemistry. There is definitely chemistry now, he makes me laugh loads.

If you find there is some kind of attraction see where it goes. There is no need to rush it

Yes, dh grew on me.
We've been married over 30 years.
First date, I thought he was nice enough, and when he asked me out again, I was open to it as I wasn't doing anything else.

My DH was a slow burn. We've been together 13 years and I fancy him like crazy now :)

I actually prefer slow burns in relationships tbh

DH and I were a very slow burn. I think I'd known him for over a year as a friend of a friend until I really noticed him, and even then it was another few months before things clicked between us. We've now been married for 34 years.

Slow burn here for DH, nearly 4 years together now

For me, all the “instant fire” ones always, without fail, spelled trouble.
Makes you ignore the fact they’re a walking red flag.

Id say give it a chance and see!

I stopped using OLD because I realised I have never fallen in love with anybody on the first time, week or month that I've known them. The only 2 men with which I felt an instant attraction on OLD ended up being totally unsuitable when I got to know them better.

My current partner I met hiking by pure chance. When I met him there was no attraction at all on my side. It grew as I spent time talking with him and saw him a couple more times months later. He's one of the best persons I have ever met and I'm madly in love now.

Instant attraction/non-attraction means nothing to me except when I'm looking for only sex. Even my FWBs took time to develop.

Met my dh through old.
Zero spark, zero physical touch for first 3 dates. But, he was consistent in contact and easy to talk to.
Date 4 we kissed and attraction began! He is the best sex I've ever had, fancy him loads 😄 He was just really nervous and wanted to be respectful, not an OLD cliche when we began meeting up.
I did meet others who i had no chemistry with while dating. Some were a 100% No from me after first date. Others, i would date up to 3 times and if still no feelings for them, I'd cut them loose. I think you need about 3 dates to really know.

never experienced the slow burn in my life, rightly or wrongly. For me, it’s either there or it isn’t from the start.

Slow burn is better. Instant attraction can mean you spend too long being interested in someone despite signs you aren't compatible - because your attraction is talking louder. Whereas if you like the person and get along great - they are much better foundations for a relationship than being physically attracted to someone.

If I get along with someone, they become more attractive in my eyes.

If I fancy someone, they aren't necesarily a good match, and often they become less attractive in my eyes.

Besides, physical looks can change. They aren't a reliable gauge.

Me and DH were slow burn. I fancy the pants off him now (still do, decades in) but I didn't fancy him on day 1.

See, I think they're exactly like a (weird) job interview via online dating.

It's such an awkward way of meeting people.

I haven't been on many dates from OD, but I did meet someone I really fell for. I didn't instantly fancy him but I liked his face, thought he was nice. He asked if he could kiss me on date 2 or 3 and it was lovely though I probably still had a few doubts. As time went in I totally fell for him.

I'd go on another date and see. As long as you don't feel a definite no in that dept.

If there’s no immediate physical attraction then I don’t bother ( when I was dating many years ago ) I couldn’t have sex with someone I didn’t find attractive physically no matter how nice they were.

I’m too old to give advice on online dating, but my DH (together almost 25 years now) was a slow burn. I knew him through mutual friends and instantly liked him - good conversation, he was kind and funny and seemed like an all round good person - but I wasn’t sure I fancied him at all for several months. We ‘dated’, but it consisted of about six months of lunches, outings, coffees etc before the ‘sparks’ kicked in for me. They DID kick in, though. You have ti fancy them at some stage! Not advocating for a relationship with a guy you don’t find attractive, just that attraction can be a slow burn.

I am in exactly the same situation myself. I have met a guy on OLD and he is lovely, we get on well, he is considerate, good company and reliable, but I don't fancy him. We are going on our third date later today and I am still not 100% sure what to do. I don't want to waste his time, but neither do I want to throw away something that has the potential to grow into a good relationship.

When I think back, all the guys that I have fancied immediately have turned out to be totally unsuitable and the relationships have burnt out very quickly. So I am coming round to the belief that a slow burn is a better option. I am going to explain to this latest guy that I would like to take things slowly and get to know him better before things get physical. If he doesn't want to do this, then he clearly isn't the right person for me.

But many of us on this thread are telling you that wonderful relationships CAN come from getting to know people that you didn't fancy the pants off, as your eyes met in a crowded room.
No, those of us married 25, 30, 35 years won't have met on line, but many of us would have met at a party, or in a pub, or on a blind date - or, in the case of my friends, at a bus stop. We are all saying that you can slowly fall in love with someone whose company your enjoy, even if, at first glance, they don't make you go all hot under the collar.