Do you have to fancy someone immediately? It is slow burn a real thing?

[Lmnop22]

I went on a date with a really nice guy a week or so ago but there were no romantic sparks and no attempt to flirt on his part (or mine I suppose!)

He’s asked me to go out with him again on Monday and we got on well, no awkward pauses, flowing conversation etc but would it be wrong to go out again if I don’t fancy him already? Or have others taken a while to warm up? He seems very lovely, I just don’t know if it’s a romantic thing.

For a bit of background, I am a single mum to two very young kids and was cheated on by my previous partner so haven’t dated in 8 years and I’ve lost confidence with it all…

Attraction was there from the start with DH. Massively fancied him, and 24 years later still do. I made him wait though, because I did really like him, and got to know him. Maybe that's the key?

I’ve read or come across the idea that for men, it should be instant the feeling of wanting to pursue and win over a woman and that will be an indication of their prolonged interest. Not sure if true as it could also be just lust.

I went on about 4 dates with my BF without so much as a kiss. He was quite shy and reserved but he kept asking me on more dates so was clearly keen. At the end of one date we had a slightly awkward hug and cheek kiss that I felt could have been a missed opportunity.

One evening I was at his house and said “if one of us doesn’t make a move we’re in danger of friend zoning each other” so we had a nice kiss, but even then I didn’t feel a spark, it was just nice.

It wasn’t until I got to see him naked that I really fancied him, and even then, he wasn’t my usual type but the more I got to know him the more I fancied him and a year later I often look at him and think how gorgeous he is and we have amazing sex!

I’d previously been all about chemistry and pheromones etc but this has a lot more depth to it having built up slowly.

I think happens, but not in contexts where people are actively dating. That's just a turn off of some guy you're not into keeps trying to spend time with you

Happens all the time with friendships, colleagues etc.

really?😯

Interesting thread.

Ive always gone on immediate vibes. Maybe why I'm still single!! But I’m also quite an unusual person perhaps, and have to get a vibe in my own way …. a vibe of intelligence or warmth.

I think being “open” sounds like a good idea, from other’s experience. But at the same time be aware of any ick factor or uncomfortable energy issue?

ps Narcissists possibly can go for the magnetic fast track so be a little wary/aware there?

🤣

Yep. We were on a university sports team together. My parents have a photo of a group of us on their dining room wall from when we won the national finals. That was about about 11 months before we got together. My kids found it very confusing when they were little because “why are mummy and daddy not standing next to each other?”

Even film stars who are, by definition, highly shaggable, take a while for me to find them attractive. Poor Keanu Reeves must have been very sad that Point Break did nothing for me. By Speed I was there though so I hope that cheered him up!

But I - and I'm sure others who have said their dh's grew on them as they got to know them - didn't work with my now dh, and we weren't in a hobby group or anything. We met, at a party, and he asked me out. I thought he was nice enough, so went on a date. At the end of the date he said he would ring me. He did, and we went out again. I wouldn't have seen him unless I went on the 1st date, then the 2nd, then the 3rd and so on. We weren't "in the same place at the same time for a sustained period". He obviously like me enough to want to spend another evening with me, and I liked him enough to spend more time with him. But at no point was there a thunderbolt, or did I go weak at the knees or whatever. I just thought he seemed nice, and I wasn't doing anything else next Tuesday / Saturday so why not spend another evening together.

Which is exactly what the OP is talking about. She's been out with someone she didn't know, twice, and thinks he is nice, but is worried there are no cupids flying round her head.

Slow burns definitely exist and imo they are the most intense when it happens!

I met someone in a similar situation. I found him interesting and we went for a dog walk and coffee date one. It was nice but no sparks. Second date was a concert again no hand, no kids etc but it was nice but I was a bit umm. Date 3 we had joked over text message about the no hands thing. Date was lunch and art gallery. He took my hand straight away and we spent the day at an art exhibition I sat next to him on a bench with my hand in his and thought umm I’ve got butterflies. We then extended our date and went to a pub and he asked to kiss me and we did - by then I was in love with him. A few months in he is the best sex I have ever ever had. He’s as kind and respectful as the day we met. He checks in during sex, he is present and responsive and communicates and we laugh about the first few dates. He had been widower and he knew I had been divorced and his respect for women shone through. He didn’t assume. Sex when it happened was my choice but my goodness was it worth waiting for.

I've had instant attractions and then got the ick.

I thought my husband was weird and even a bit funny looking when we first met. He really made an effort to 'woo' me. Married 20years, 2 kids, I think he's very attractive nowadays!

I think that different people find different things attractive. I have never fancied anyone at first sight, I have to be friends with them first. But I'm not a very visual person in general. I know one of my sisters can just look at someone and feel something straight away.

Like others have said, if it’s not someone you’d naturally get to spend any more time with, the only way to get to know them any better is to keep going on dates, so if you’re free and you like chatting to them why not?

Before I met this one I had a couple of other men that I dated for a few weeks, lunches and dinners and drinks etc and would then kiss them on the cheek at the end of the night, but nothing further.

One in particular was lovely and was very supportive about a family members health issue at the time. When I texted him to say I’d enjoyed getting to know him despite it not turning into anything romantic he sent me a very thoughtful and sweet reply. I do often wonder if I should have given it a bit longer, knowing now that it can come in time.

So many others I’ve had instant heat with but it fizzles when I get to know them better. Or worse, I stick it out for the heat despite being wholly unsuited in other ways.

Never in my 55 years have I had an instant attraction to anyone I’ve gone on to have an LTR with.
I’ve always been a slow burn. I’ve had several LTR’s and it’s always been a few weeks before the spark ignited for me. I have to get to know someone to have a proper attraction which is why I’ve never been able to have a casual sexual thing with anyone.