Am I being controlling ? Or am I setting boundries?

[MabelsMam]

My husbands friend was killed a few years before I met him. He was friends with the wife and weirdly I thought carried a photograph of the friends child in his wallet when we met, he'd go down and stay over at her house swearing nothing ever happened between them. ( the child is now a grown man )
She lived about 2 hours from my husband and she called him daily.
When we met and went on our first holiday together, this woman called 4 times during the week ' just for a chat' I ended up in the bathroom while they laughed and joked on the phone in the bedroom for ages I felt like a spare part.
When I moved across to live with my then boyfriend ( now husband) she would call him and make excuses ' can you come and help with a computer issue' can you come and collect the son and take him to a sports event etc etc ...and he would drop everything and ruining the weekend. ( she had 2 brothers and parents locally thay could help her )
I had to have emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy and while I was in theatre she called and asked him to drive down to pick up the son and take him to another sporting event then drive him back home again - she knew I was in surgery and it meant he wasn't there when I woke up infact I didn't see him until the evening the next day.
I know she called him while he was at work most days.
I told him it made me uncomfortable and that i felt he was putting their friendship before our marriage.
He did back off a little but then she started sending him abusive texts when she was drinking which he passed off as nothing.
She caused alot of grief between us and I definately felt she was trying to come between us, he was oblivious to her behaviour and said it was in my head but it was clear she was jealous that I was with him.
Anyway fast forward and last week she died suddenly and yesterday he comes home and tells me our weekend plans were cancelled and he was going to her funeral this morning and would be away all day.
I was so angry and hurt, and said that's fine but when he gets back we need to talk as his behaviour over the years with her and also his obsession with this particular sport has taken priority over our relationship for over 15 years, causing me significant mental health issues- ie disappearing for 10 days the night I came home from an open hysterectomy leaving me alone in the house, doing the exact same thing when I moved countries to live with him, within 12 hours of me arriving disappearing off to this sport event for 10 days. ( this has been an ongoing thing for 15 years)
So I didn't sleep at all last night I was so upset about this funeral, so I said that when he got home we needed to talk and make desicions on our future whether we stayed together or split as I wasn't prepared to put up with the behaviour any longer and the effect it is having on me mentally.
He said he wanted to go and meet up with friends he hadn't seen in years and pay his respects to this woman who quite frankly had never ever shown me any respect as his wife in the last 15 years.
He said my behaviour was controlling- that i was using the relationship as a threat to control him going to the funeral, i consider it setting long needed boundaries ( as discussed when we had marriage counselling - where incidently the counsellor did point out that his behaviour was very selfish and emotionally abusive)

So am I in the wrong for being upset at his insistence on dropping everything and going to the funeral ? He's made me question my own behaviour

I think you have to treat the funeral as separate really… you kind of have to cancel plans when funerals happen, it’s kind of the way of them as they just crop up.

That doesn’t make how he’s treated you previously ok, but you do pretty much have to drop everything for funerals.

Honestly OP, I wouldn’t stop him going to the funeral. If you do, that will be the only thing he ever thinks of when he thinks of you. It’s a funeral. I genuinely think that trumps everything (unless he’s choosing it over your funeral). He will not see that his behaviour over the years has been disgusting and unacceptable - he will see you as the woman who kicked off about a dead friend’s funeral.

After that has passed, then assess whether you can forgive him for a lifetime of betrayal. But don’t leave him because of the funeral - leave him because he’s cheated on you (whether actually or emotionally) for years.

Did Your husbands pulling back coincide with the woman having a new partner?

You've put up with his shitty behaviour for years, blaming her it seems like, and now she's dead is the time you want to stamp your feet and draw a boundary? Fucking hell. Yes, you are being controlling and horrible. Regardless of their over familiar behaviour she was someone important to him and she's dead. She's dead! Let him go and say goodbye. Leave him if you choose to about bloody time but don't shit on his grief. He's entitled to it.

It isn't a boundary if you don't physically do something to demonstrate it isn't ok. This isn't to make you feel bad. You're still there and he's still doing what he wants but is telling you you're controlling. He's basically refusing to listen or take any accountability. There are zero boundaries here. You're asking him, he's refusing and likely gaslighting you. No boundaries here at all.

I agree you are picking the wrong battles here. Let him go to the funeral but then assess why this behaviour has gone on with zero boundaries for years.

There are some good books and online articles about what boundaries are. I had to read many. It's really helpful so you can see what is so wrong in this relationship.

The sudden death of anyone you care about is horrific.

Your relationship problems are separate. I am not excusing his previous behaviour but I would never forgive anyone who questioned my attendance at a funeral.

So he had been making positive changes following counselling and now the woman is dead and you think banning him from the funeral is in line with the boundaries set in counselling? I'm sorry you've lost perspective.

Him going to the funeral is the one thing that’s reasonable in all of this.

The rest of it – he’s a selfish, inconsiderate prick who doesn’t show basic decency, respect or care towards you.

I’m surprised you’ve stayed with him this long and will be surprised if he changes.

I'm afraid I'm another one who doesn't understand how you put up with his behaviour all these years but you are now not wanting him to go to the funeral. I feel him going to the funeral is the only reasonable part of his behaviour. When you described how he behaved over your ectopic pregnancy I could have cried for you.
I don't know where you go from here because the history of your relationship is so sad.

The funeral is a really insane time to put your foot down. Not to be crass, but she's not a problem any more is she. You should have put your foot down years ago. It's perfectly normal to cancel weekend plans to go to a funeral of a friend. Its literally the only normal part of the whole situation.

His behaviour in the past was appalling.

Him going t the funeral is reasonable and actually might mean he can close that chapter of his life. What you do when he comes back is for you to decide.

Honestly, I think you are shooting yourself on the foot at the time that woman has finally stopped being a problem.

His behaviour towards you has been a disgrace, he has obviously put that woman first far too many times but, you also need to take responsibility, I am sure you had plenty of opportunities to walk away but you decided to stay.

I would suggest to let him grieve and stop the drama, your approach can be massively counterproductive, she is dead, the problem is over, if you start criticising again at this time you could come across as highly unreasonable and would have succeeded in making a martyr of her and with that perpetuating the problem until either of you leaves.

I heard a good description of boundaries Vs controlling.

Boundaries are something you set for yourself ie describe your own behaviour. If you're describing his behaviour that is controlling/manipulating.

I'm sorry to say that your relationship with him doesn't sound healthy. You don't sound happy and a marriage should bring you joy. I hope you're able to figure this out x

Op, the marriage is over. It was over years ago. Why you went ahead and married him is confounding. You've been a doormat for the man for 15 years and I'm sorry to say it's far too late to be laying down the law now. That ship has sailed.

See a solicitor and get a divorce. You've invested enough of your life already. I guarantee you will be much, much happier without him.

Sorry but you'd be in the wrong here to create immediately after her funeral. You should have set a boundary years ago and if he did not respect it, it was on you to leave. That's what maintaining a boundary is.

It is not appropriate to start having this conversation when he is mourning someone significant to him. If you didn't like her being significant you should have handled that. Now is not the time.

Why are you bringing this up right now?

Give it some time and decide whether you want to continue in the marriage. Then discuss later, probably with a counsellor if so.

You chose to tolerate their friendship even though you didn't like it. The weekend of her funeral is not the time to try and retrospectively have that out. Can't you see that's in awful taste and makes you look unhinged? Accept first that you haven't set any boundaries regarding this woman. It's fine to cancel plans for a funeral. I understand why a lot of feelings have been stirred up but get the weekend out of the way then decide what angle you want to approach this from

Get him out of your life and stop wasting your time.

I disagree as competing with a dead woman could be hard. She’s up on that pedestal now

OP I don’t think you’re controlling and boundaries before now should have been in place. But hindsight is a wonderful thing. I also would not be putting up with drawn out dramatic grieving and her death dominating your lives. Friends die but it is one of those things and not an indulgence exercise for him. It sound like your marriage is dead through overall

Your post was really sad to read, it sounds like you have been completely and utterly side lined and disrespected and for what ever reason you seemed to have accepted that as the price to pay for keeping your husband, this is not to blame you it sounds like you have been very lonely, I also don’t blame you for trying in your words to “put a boundary” about the funeral I may well be wrong but it seems you are desperate for him to just put you first just one time and this is your final chance for him “choose you” over her, I’m very sorry I do not think that will happen. You are worth more than this I hope you will see that sooon

I would never stand in the way of someone grieving, or trying to attend a funeral.
At the same time, things between you have been broken a long time, so I can see how this feels like the final nail in the coffin.
I think her death is separate from the daily stuff, and should be treated that way

As others have said, you're a bit late in enforcing your boundaries. The woman is now dead and her funeral isn't the right time for you to be making this about you.

Given your husband cared for her deeply, not only he WILL attend this funeral (rightly so) but you can also expect him to grieve for the foreseeable future (I.e. 6 months ish). Any attempts to prevent him from doing so will further damage your relationship with him.

The rights and wrongs of what your husband once did are now largely irrelevant as that woman has now passed away. Whilst you maybe keen to have a "word" with him, I'd personally hold on for the next few months - that is assuming if you want the relationship to last. If not, by all means continue to fire your shots as you deem fit.

All I can see is you are cross he wanted to go to this woman's funeral. That's all I can see.

If I was your husband, I would be gone after that.

She was there before you were. She was his friend. He cares deeply for her and her son.

Good grief.

I suggest you learn to read then or are you deliberately choosing to ignore the part about op being left alone to deal with ectopic pregnancy and surgery? Good grief indeed right back at you.

Oh my god forget the woman you should have left him when he wasn’t there for the first operation. My colleagues wife is having an operation next week, minor, but he has put his ooo on all week, and will be there when she wakes up come rain hail shine or past woman he ‘didn’t’ Have an affair with phoning him. My marriage would be over if that ever happened to me. Skip the counselling, don’t try and talk to him about it, open your eyes and free yourself from him. He will never have your back.

You clearly are legally blind then.