Partner Missing After Separation – Feeling Guilty and Need Advice

[WorriedMom38]

I recently separated from my partner (41) after an incident with our oldest son. On the way to school, our son opened the car door, and my partner shouted at him. Our son then claimed his dad hit him, but my partner kept saying he didn't touch him, only shouted. I was really upset and didn’t want him to come home, so I asked him to stay away, and he did. My partner took the breakup hard and was signed off work with depression. He’s had a lot of stress at work, and his brother died two years ago, which has been really tough on him. I admit, I made his life hell by ignoring his calls and barely responding to his messages.

A few days later, I told him our relationship wasn't working and broke up with him. He told me he loves me and the boys. Four days later, he asked to see the boys. I was distant but let him see them for a few hours. I told him I needed to see improvements in his behavior around the kids.

It’s been 3 months now. He’s been behaving normally and the kids are happy. He kept asking to get back together, but I said no, I need more time. Then I noticed his messages were getting less and less each week. He went from seeing the kids three times a week to twice, and then it all stopped.

After a week of not hearing from him, I tried to call. No answer. I contacted his best friend, who didn’t even know we were separated and hadn’t seen him in four months. I contacted the police and filed a missing person report. They went to his flat, and he wasn't there. The police told me he resigned from his job two months ago. They're really concerned for his well-being. He left his phone behind too. The police are still investigating.

Then today, my son came clean and said his dad never hit him. Now I don’t know what to do. My youngest keeps asking for him. I’m at a loss and feeling really guilty. Any advice on what I should do next?

So he's officially a high risk
Missing person?

Fingers crossed it all works out for you all

Do the children know he is missing? Is that what prompted your son to tell the truth?

How old is your son?
Children say untruths sometimes for myriad reasons, but presumably there was more to this than one incident.
And your son may not be telling the truth now.
Your dp is an adult and he is responsible for his m h.

This could have gone either way though. He may be lying now saying it never happened after watching this shit show kick off

That’s what crossed my mind. You don’t know which ones the lie. He may have decided it would be better to protect him after seeing what everyone’s going through and his dad doesn’t even come to see him anymore. He may be hoping the lie will make everything go away.

That’s what I was thinking.

Our son is 8. I know kids can say things that aren't true, and I'm struggling with that. There were times he said his dad was too strict, but nothing physical until this incident.
You're right, my partner is responsible for his mental health, but I feel guilty. The police are still investigating, and I'm worried for him

no I havent told them yet

How long had he officially been missing?

"Your dp is an adult and he is responsible for his m h."

If the tables were turned, it was a bereaved mum who'd smacked her child, was then asked to move out of home while her partner controlled access to the children, then she disappeared I guarantee nobody on mumsnet would respond like this.

FWIW - 1 in 4 parents will at some point admit they've smacked their child. I've done it. I don't agree with it and wish I'd never done it, but it's not illegal and it's not unusual.

OP - I really hope your ex is safe and well. :-( Keep thinking about his family - to lose one son and then have another go missing. How sad :-(

https://www.missingpeople.org.uk/about-the-charity/contact-us#:~:text=Our%20free%20and%20confidential%20helpline,you%20if%20you%20need%20support.

Talk about destroy someone’s life when it turns out they were innocent.

Coupled with a comment like ‘i let him’ must have been terrible and awful. Basically begging and at your whim.

Don’t feel guilty OP - you were trying to protect your son and I strongly believe that when children disclose things like this they should be taken seriously every single time and they should be believed until an investigation takes place. It sounds like you were trying to get your head around it and did what you needed to do to keep your son safe in the moment and you should absolutely never blame yourself for doing that!

Of course things have now become complicated with your partner going missing and I really hope he is found safe and well but, whatever has happened, it is not your fault and you were advocating for your son.

So many people aren’t brave enough to break up with their partners when things like this are alleged/happen and you did it so you deserve credit for that not guilt.

I personally think your son is now lying by saying he wasn't hit. Because he thinks it will bring his dad back.

The hitting may well still be true.

your 8 year old son opened the door on a moving car?

what?

Sorry, but you lost be when there were no consequences for this-

I hope your partner is OK.

Nothing you can do, just carry on, and do something about the behaviour of your son,

I also suspect your son is now lying, as he wants everything back to normal and thinks by making that go away then his dad will return, you'll forgive him etc.

All of this

I think you overreacted before finding out the whole story. I hope you’re able to find him soon.

Agreed, how did your partner hit him, if he was driving at the time? If the child did lie then he needs some consequences.

Has he got any family?

This sounds like a very strange story all round.

Firstly, did your son open the car door while the car was moving? If so do you know why, what the circumstances were etc? Because that sounds extremely dangerous.

I think it was pretty normal, even appropriate, for his dad to become angry and even shout at that point. Any parent would, surely?

On the basis of this incident, and your son adding that his dad hit him, you insisted the dad move out and gave him limited access to his kids - it seems a very extreme reaction on your part..... I have a lot of questions really.

In what way did he say he had been hit? Hitting a kid, hitting anyone, is never ok of course, but in such an extreme, potentially life endangering event one can see how it might unfortunately happen. Was it a slap at the time, sort of out of panic? Or did he stop the car and then punch him in the face? What?

Did you consider believing your partner at the time, or just automatically believe your son? If the latter, why?

Had you been questioning the relationship before? Or was it fine until this point?

How do you feel he should have reacted to your son opening the car door while he was driving?

I am just wondering if everything is ok with you, OP? Because it seems such a strong reaction.

Very concerning to hear all that has happened to your partner since. I very much hope he is OK. Are there any other ways you can reach out to him - any other friends or family you can contact? Any places you know he loves you could look for him? Any social media he might still be checking?

Can the police check his bank and see if he has still been withdrawing money?

At the end of the day, if the worst has happened and he has harmed himself, it is NOT your fault. Ultimately everybody is responsible for their own actions.

However, for the sake of your son's, it does sound like, providing your partner does come back and is ok, you might BOTH benefit from some form of counselling to work out more positive ways of co-parenting going forwards (be that as a couple of separated), that ensure everybody is listened to and everybody's needs are considered.

I wish you all the best.

Sorry for typos in my post - extraneous apostrophe and a spelling mistake.

None of these events happened in a vacuum how your son reacted how you reacted how your partner was reacting beforehand - I suspect there must be a whole lot of backstory behaviour including having not seen his best friend for 4 months

Let’s not speculate. Either way. I really hope he turns up OP.

If the tables were turned, it was a bereaved mum who'd smacked her child, was then asked to move out of home while her partner controlled access to the children, then she disappeared I guarantee nobody on mumsnet would respond like this.

Completely disagree with this. My mother was bereaved (widowed) and resorted to smacking my toddler sister out of frustration when she was struggling to dress her in the morning for school. There were other ways in which she was parenting poorly. Her bereavement was no excuse for being abusive and neglectful towards her daughter.

It's sounds like he's moved on. A lot of missing people want to be missing and don't want to be found. It sounds like the death of his brother, the wife that cut him off without care - believing unquestionly the word of an 8 year old boy (who would have deserved a slap for opening the door of a moving car anyway) the fact he's a piece of shit father as everyone keeps telling him, banishment from his home, was enough for him and he's fucked off with his mental health problems as you wanted. Be happy, you win.