Partner Missing After Separation – Feeling Guilty and Need Advice

[WorriedMom38]

I recently separated from my partner (41) after an incident with our oldest son. On the way to school, our son opened the car door, and my partner shouted at him. Our son then claimed his dad hit him, but my partner kept saying he didn't touch him, only shouted. I was really upset and didn’t want him to come home, so I asked him to stay away, and he did. My partner took the breakup hard and was signed off work with depression. He’s had a lot of stress at work, and his brother died two years ago, which has been really tough on him. I admit, I made his life hell by ignoring his calls and barely responding to his messages.

A few days later, I told him our relationship wasn't working and broke up with him. He told me he loves me and the boys. Four days later, he asked to see the boys. I was distant but let him see them for a few hours. I told him I needed to see improvements in his behavior around the kids.

It’s been 3 months now. He’s been behaving normally and the kids are happy. He kept asking to get back together, but I said no, I need more time. Then I noticed his messages were getting less and less each week. He went from seeing the kids three times a week to twice, and then it all stopped.

After a week of not hearing from him, I tried to call. No answer. I contacted his best friend, who didn’t even know we were separated and hadn’t seen him in four months. I contacted the police and filed a missing person report. They went to his flat, and he wasn't there. The police told me he resigned from his job two months ago. They're really concerned for his well-being. He left his phone behind too. The police are still investigating.

Then today, my son came clean and said his dad never hit him. Now I don’t know what to do. My youngest keeps asking for him. I’m at a loss and feeling really guilty. Any advice on what I should do next?

1 in 4 parents smack their children.

In ethnic minority families it's much more common than this.

I don't agree with it as a form of punishment, but on its own social services wouldn't call it abuse.

"There were other ways in which she was parenting poorly. Her bereavement was no excuse for being abusive and neglectful towards her daughter."

You're projecting now - this isn't about your mother's abusive behaviour. The OP hasn't said her ex was either abusive or neglectful. She's said he hit their son when he opened the car door while they were driving.

And no - bereavement and mental illness isn't an 'excuse', but it's a reason why someone might sometimes fail to rise to the challenges of parenting a child well.

I take real issue the idea that “adults are responsible for their own mental health”.

I get the need to move causality away from the OP and a young boy. But we don’t need to blame the father for not managing his mental health as his world fell apart. MH problems generally involve a reduced capacity to be responsible for or manage yourself to some degree.

@WorriedMom38 Could you speak to his former employer? They may have given a reference for a new job or have some idea where/why he was going. Given they spent more time with him than anyone else, his colleagues may be able to give you an insight into his state of mind.

Where was he staying? Could you knock on the neighbours doors as someone may have spoken to him. Knock on the door of his place to see if there’s any post for him.

Do you have any joint accounts he might be using? Does his post still come to your home? Credit card or bank statements you can look at?

What’s going on with his social media? Does he have WhatsApp as you could see when he was last on it?

Does he have any family you could talk to?

You ended the relationship, kicked him out, and refused to reply to his messages, because an 8 year old said he was hit, once, when doing something really stupid and dangerous? This surely can’t be the whole story?

I struggle to believe that you ended a relationship over him potentially hitting your son and not having any evidence of it/leaving a mark.
Especially if a child did something so dangerous as opening a car door.

There must have been issues in the relationship/concerns over his parenting already and so you shouldn’t feel guilty for breaking up with him.

I hope your son doesn’t know that he was responsible for you breaking up either.

You did what you thought was right by separating and sticking to that decision.
Don’t feel guilty now for putting yourself first.

It is concerning that he’s not replying to you but perhaps after trying to contact you he has decided he needs to step back and focus on himself.

It is selfish of him to not keep in contact with his kids but he’s likely found a new partner and is just focusing on her and him right now.

I would reach out to his family members and ask them to let you know he’s ok if they hear from him and to tell him that his kids want to see him but then I would leave it.
Keeping trying to contact him is not going to do any good.

OP, I think your next move must be to get some therapy for your son. You don't know what the outcome of the search will be, and if its not good news it could have a very negative impact on your son, he will need professional support from someone who understands the situation. You might also want to consider therapy for yourself.

Please work with the police, contact Missing People for support. It all sounds planned to me, the slowing down of texts, the quitting job, leaving phone behind. Not telling his mate you had split sounds like he was hoping he could fix the situation and trying to save face in the meantime, I suspect that when it appeared unfixable he decided to disappear.
I really hope for all involved that he shows up. I cannot imagine how you feel not knowing where he is but you mustn't blame yourself and you must stay strong for your boys. I think police and Missing People can help you with how is best to tell them.
Fingers crossed he shows up somewhere unharmed after having a bit of a mental moment.

I don't know how to only quote part of a message on the app - I wanted to respond to your opening sentence and say I agree, and apologise for the fact that my earlier post may well have implied I felt he was responsible for his own MH.

As you correctly explain, when somebody's MH problems are severe enough it almost always inherently involves a limited capacity to help oneself, and support is definitely often needed from others (be that loved ones and/or HCPs) for the poorly person to be able to achieve mental wellness again.

I think the key tho, as you also touch upon, is that nobody can ever really be blamed for another's suicide, except in very extreme cases, if for example they have raped or otherwise abused that person to the extent they chose to take their own life.

Even if you fail to support someone as well as you might have as a friend, family member, partner; in fact even if you fall out with them, go NC, leave them etc, you are not then responsible for their choice to end their own life, in my opinion. Because we all need a number of people we rely on in our lives - it's not fair, healthy or sensible to pick one person and make them entirely responsible for our entire mental well-being.

OP perhaps could have acted more kindly and with more consideration, but she is in no way responsible if the worst happens. (And let's all hope/pray that's not the case anyhow).

If your partner had never touched your DS before, what made you not believe him ? It's an unbelievably strong reaction from you to tell him to go ,

How did your partner manage to hit him while he was driving? Or did he stop the car and allegedly hit him? It does sound like a very strong reaction on your part and I agree with pp there must be more to the story.

I wondered this. The most he could have done from the front seat was a slap on the leg. Although, presumably they had to stop the car to close the door. And then, he may have got out the car.

Any news? I’ve experienced an ex-partner with mental health issues going missing several times and my heart goes out to you. Does he drive? Can the police track him on motorway cameras?