What are womans goals these days?

[credam]

Context: I'm a 32-year-old Chilean who moved back in with my parents for work reasons. I think I'm good-looking (a bit overweight now haha), I don't drink or smoke, I have a supportive family, good friends, and I work 12 hours a day on my own company (which is starting to make money).

What do women want these days? I've been dating a smart, beautiful, funny, and loyal woman since 2020. She's 30 years old and works at a very important tech company.

My relationship has had some "difficulties" sometimes, because we have different views on life. I love to work, be with my friends (in a healthy way, I don't even drink anymore) and I have goals.

My girlfriend, on the other hand, doesn't seem to have any goals besides being with me. She doesn't want to have kids, she doesn't want to advance her career, and she doesn't have her own "social space". In other words, she doesn't have many friends, and she prefers to be alone.

As I said before, I'm 32. I used to live on my own, but I came back to live with my parents because I have a goal in my life: Build my own company (it's working), buy a house, and have a family. And for that, I need to have zero expenses and save as much as I can.

My gf and I are not having a good time right now. We fight all the time about stupid things. She doesn't want to go out with me and my friends, and she can spend the whole Saturday alone doing nothing, but she wants me to do nothing with her too, and I can't. I need to keep working on my goals.

A few months ago, I booked a date to get married next year, because I wanted to propose to her this year. I still don't have the money to buy her a ring, but I thought that by October I would have enough money to buy it. I talked to her brother about my plans, because I wanted him to help me with some wedding details, and one day my gf overheard us and she found out about my plans. She just looked at me like it was a joke and didn't say anything, like she didn't believe what she heard, and that reaction surprised me a lot. Anyway, I didn't talk to her about this anymore, but I kept my plans.

One month ago, we started fighting about everything. If I did something wrong or not the way she wanted; if I wasn't with her as long as she wanted; if I told her to hurry up because we were late for something. As I said, everything.

I asked her a million times what the problem was, and after days of talking, she said that we didn't spend as much time together as she wanted.

She knows my plans, she knows I want to get married, but I need to work for that, and I'm doing it!!! But it seems that being together doing nothing, like under the same roof, is more important to her than me achieving my goals, and she doesn't do anything by herself. I always tell her: you have to have goals where I'm not the main character, but only a supporting role, because in life, if I can't be with you for some reason, you have to be by yourself.
Sometimes she “let me” to work as much as I need but when we have a fight, she uses it as an argument that she is very supported with me, and she is willing to sacrifice her time without me letting me do my things and because of that she gets bored and do nothing.

She doesn't want to have kids, she doesn't want to improve her career, she just wants to go out with me, but right now I can't, because I don't have any money, and I need to focus on my work. She knows my life plans, that I want to get married and be with her, but she insists on spending time together doing nothing!. But I know mine.

She's very smart, beautiful, funny, and very generous with me (money), but lacks social skills (she has friends, but I don't know some of them. She doesn't hang out with them very often) and personal goals. Am I asking too much? She has many things that a lot of guys would want, but I need someone with goals. If she doesn't want to have children (which I do), then focus on something else! I think I'm at the age where I need to build something by myself, before I start sharing it with my partner.

So, I ask you: What do women want these days? Not working, not having children? In my case, not hanging out with friends? Only being with their partner for the rest of their lives, achieving what?

What do you think? Am I lost, crazy, stupid, old-fashioned?

It doesn't matter 'what women want', as there's no one answer to that! This woman does NOT want the same things as you, has a different type of lifestyle. So why do you want to marry her? You sound incompatible. If you are arguing over petty things then it's over. Move on and find someone that is more at your speed and shares the same goals. You aren't unique - there are plenty of women who share your aspirations. You just need to find one.

I don’t think this is anything about what women want. I think it’s about you and your gf, specifically, not being compatible. Why did you choose her above all the other women out there to be in a relationship with? You sound ambitious and career focused and sociable. And she sounds less ambitious and not very sociable.

At her age, I was looking for someone fun who liked to travel and was supportive of me and my dreams and committed. I’m not massively sociable so very happy with someone who stays home a lot, but ambition was important. I wanted someone who was going somewhere in life. That description pretty much sums up my husband. I met and married someone who was a good fit for me.

All that said, I would have found someone living at home at 30 to be fairly unattractive, no matter what the reasons, though I accept maybe that might be more a cultural difference.

Not one of these again!
Different women want different things.
We are not a monolith.

You don't sound suited at all. I wouldn't want to hang out with someone who did nothing.

Women aren't some homogenous mass who all want the same thing. Maybe have a grown up conversation with her.

I want a horse.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who worked 12 hours every day and I never saw.

If you don't actually spend any time together you don't have a relationship.

You sound like the two of you are not a good fit. Beware choosing someone just like yourself though - two workaholics is not a good combination either

As per previous posters, women are all different so there isn't an answer to the question 'what do women want'

I can say with certainty though that I've never known a woman who would be happy with someone they aren't even engaged to arranging a marriage date/venue for them. Those kind of significant decisions should be made as a partnership.

You booked a date to get married but never spoke to her first or proposed? You are wedding planning with her brother but not your bride to be? So basically she is a woman unit to be slotted into your agenda? Okay, good luck with that.

🤔

Ditto, and the ability to ride again (now disabled).

OP, people above are right, you’re not compatible with this woman. Find someone else with similar goals, it shouldn’t be a problem if you’re all you say 🙂

My main goal is to recover from my knee injury and get fit again.

I had many conversations with her and that was what she wanted. I believed that if I had a "plan" for my relationship with her, I could focus on my business and share everything with her when I finished my project. The time I booked was just for the "civil wedding" (I don't know how to say it in English). The religious wedding party and everything else was not what I was talking about now, but I discussed it with her and she really wanted something big and I was saving for that.

Yeah, that would be a hard no from me. As would turning one individual woman’s preferences into some kind of global ‘What women want’ question, as if women were the Borg.

Answering for myself, aged 30, I wouldn’t have contemplated dating a 32 year old who lived with his parents, worked 12 hours a day for himself, and appeared to think it was a boon he didn’t drink or smoke. When I was 30 I was only starting my career, having spent my 20s at grad school, so I was focused on work, and having as much fun as possible when time allowed. I wanted someone who would run off to NY with me for the weekend at the drop of a hat, or come and climb a mountain. I wanted someone ambitious, highly-educated, highly-cultured, spontaneous, well-travelled, left wing, who didn’t want children.

You and your girlfriend are completely incompatible. Ou want different things in life, from how to spend free time to children/no children. This doesn’t make her wrong and you right — it just makes you people who shouldn’t contemplate a future together. End things and find someone who wants what you want.

You need to break up with her

I get it. Well here the "civil wedding" is not very important sometimes. You do it with your family and that's it. The religious wedding is the one that “matters” and we both wanted to save money and plan it.

This is hilarious. Do you even know if she wants to marry you? Doesn't sound like it. Indeed, why would she want to marry you if you only spend time with your friends and not her?? That's showing her she's not a priority for you.

I agree with PPs you're not seeing her as a human being, just a generic woman to fit into YOUR life plans.

Do you really think any other woman can tell you what your girlfriend wants? I don't think I've had a 'goal' in my life. it sounds like this isn't a good relationship though

She asked for a giraffe, but that requires a special permit, so it wasn't possible now. I might consider it later though.

I got married in a country that has the same system of a civil marriage in city hall and then a religious one (if desired by the couple). I get it.

BUT both parties still have to agree to marry each other. She's not just a prop in your life.

In the UK, you don't usually need a separate civil wedding to a religious wedding, though it depends on the religion. But if you have a civil marriage, you are still legally connected - it may not be a big deal socially (it seems to be similar in quite a few European countries) but you are legally tiring yourselves together and thst is a huge deal, especially if you haven't asked her or involved her.

If I were her, your behaviour would make me leave. But I'm not her. As everyone says, though, you're not compatible - you both need to find someone whose aims in life are much more closely aligned.

Maybe I should have given more context to my story. We were together throughout the pandemic. Everything was fine as long as we lived in the same place.

I don't see her as an object or anything like that. This only started happening in the last two months when I began to focus more on my work and goals.

She made it clear to me: she wants to get married.

That's why I'm so puzzled right now. She wants to get married, she wants to be with someone (we spent every day together for the last year) but how can I give her what she wants if I can't spend time making the money she deserves? And I mean money. This is only temporary, it won't last forever... that's why I'm so confused.

I want someone who is fun to be with, not intense and who knows how to enjoy life and doesn't work all the time.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen the words ‘goals’ or ‘plans’ written quite so many times in one place. They are now bereft of meaning.

As you want us to generalise, most women I know definitely don’t want overweight workaholics who live with their parents and plan their weddings without them.

Whereas I would hate to have a horse.

However, i would like a library in my house with one of those ladders that's attached to the shelves and rolls along.

Talk to your actual girlfriend. Actually listen to what she says. Asking some random people on the internet to explain your girlfriend to you is pointless, as is assuming that all women want the same damn things.