DPs dc don't want to meet me

[Blushingm]

We have been together just over 2 years. They are 11 & 14. They know their dad is with me and the both say they don't have a problem with it at all but the oldest says he doesn't want to meet me and the youngest just really doesn't mind.

DP has met my DD

I'm just not sure what we can do. We planned on moving in together in about 2 years when my youngest is in her own house.

We wondering if we just wait and see if they change their minds - I'm just a bit hurt and worried (which I know is a me problem)

Respect their wishes and just carry on as you are for now. Teenagers can change their mind quick. Plan things together and invite them but don't be disheartened if they don't want to go. Cinema, bowling, escape room, ice skating. Things you can do together or as a group.

There's nothing you can do to force the issue, you may have to just wait and see if they change their minds.
They will have their own reasons for not wanting to meet, and l imagine the break up has affected the older child more.
Meet with the younger child and see how that goes, if you get a favourable review the 14 year old may change their mind but otherwise you will have to be patient.

I'd imagine the 14yo has a pretty clear idea that meeting you now means that at some point they'll end up having to live with you. Kids generally don't want their parents new partner moving in. Why would they, when it's of absolutely no benefit to them? They'll have friends in school in similar situations, and they'll have heard and remembered the stories of when things go badly. They know that once the family has been blended they'll have absolutely no way of influencing the situation.

So they're acting now, while they still have some control over the situation, to delay the inevitable as long as possible. Can you really blame them?

It's not a reflection of you OP, how can it be, they've never even met you, so there's no point getting hurt about it. It's just a child trying to protect their space for as long as possible.

Patience, patience, patience.
Children from divorced parents have so little control over their lives. Everything is decided for them, and rarely because of what's best for the children, but rather because it suits the parents most.

Give them this sense of control. Don't force it. Gain their trust by respecting their wishes and boundaries.

I know it's not the same but when my mum's new boyfriend spent the night the first time when I was 11, he entered the house and told him very bluntly: "Fine, you can stay over. But you sleep in my bed and I'm sleeping with mum tonight."
And he said: "Okay, on the condition that we take turns and I get to sleep there tomorrow."
I still remember how safe it made me feel that he wasn't there to take my mum away from me and he respected that he was dealing with a whole family, not just with my mum.

Thank you

I definitely don't want them to feel pressured or uncomfortable in any way. I know the oldest found his dad moving out very difficult and he has a strained relationship with his mum

What are the circumstances of their parent's separation? Were you the "other woman"? Or is your relationship entirely separate?

My dad left my mum for another woman and I didn't want to meet her. I'm sure she was a nice woman, but the betrayal in the situation left me wanting nothing to do with her.

If you are nothing to do with them separating then accept the choice and be patient. Things change in time, but you cannot force a relationship with anyone.

I’m in a very similar situation except I have met them but they mostly ignore me or hide from me. I don’t think it’s an issue with me but instead an issue with their parent having a partner after many years of just having their separated parents to themselves. It’s hard not to be sad about the situation or take it personally but like others have said you can’t push it. Teenage years are really tricky anyway. So no advice really except hang in there and you aren’t the only one who has struggled with this.

I didn't meet DP until about 8 months after he had moved out of the former marital home. He moved to a flat and then bought a house. His eldest DS found his dad moving out very difficult - both his DC are very close to him. The youngest is more of a laid back kid but the eldest is quieter and more thoughtful.

They've known about me since about a year after we met as we didn't want to tell them until we were sure we were looking at long term.

Thank you - it's nice to know it's not just me

If I were the 14yo, even if I didn't mind the idea of my dad having a partner, I'd find the whole idea of meeting them in a formal manner (i.e. all having dinner together solely as an introduction to you)to just be cringe and very awkward.

Perhaps give it a while and find a casual way to meet them just for 20minutes or so, then build from there.

That's actually a really good point! It might seem a bit cringey if he's thinking that

If I was 14 I just can’t think of why I would want to meet my dad’s girlfriend. I just wouldn’t see any need

Why do you need to move in together? Why not just date without involving the children?

Meet the younger one. Bowling something fun. Meet them there and leave them there.

Oldest will follow.

Their dad does have to be sensitive but shouldn’t have to be guilt tripped in to not moving on with his life.

Allowing teenagers to make choices that affect adults is not good for anyone.

Because that’s what people do when they love each other.

People that live apart love each other too.
Blended families very rarely work. You need to put the children first.

Because we love being together - it's good to support each other and have someone to come hone to.

My DC are 18 & 22 and both intend on moving out in the next 2 years. Our plan in to move in together then - why have 2 separate households? His DC will be almost 14 and 17 by then

And blended families can often work - lots if people I know have blended families and they work incredibly well. My own DF married again and they're so happy

ah so if you’ve had children to someone else you can never live with anyone again. And

Bloody hell.

There are some wonderful step mothers - mine included. Prefer her to my own mum to be honest

Bare in mind, that while blended families can be wonderful, the only real ‘experience’ they’ll have of them is through the eyes of their peers. If they have friends who are unhappy with the situation (however ‘valid’ the reason) that could colour their view.

I was largely happy growing up in a blended family. My brothers hated it. As adults they’re able to articulate why/how they felt well. But as children/teenagers we just knew they disliked it, and were incredibly vocal about it. i imagine they would have been very negative about the situation to their friends.

I don’t agree with the person who said “why would they want to meet their parents new partner when it’s of no benefit to them”. As the PP said, children can have a great relationship with their step parent. I have personal experience of this. I do see why the child may not see this though and therefore not want to. My DC were excited to meet my partner.

I also don’t agree with the PP that said “Children from divorced parents have so little control over their lives. Everything is decided for them, and rarely because of what's best for the children, but rather because it suits the parents most.”
I don’t think children from separated families have much less say than any child, the parents should make the decisions for a child up to the point where they are becoming more independent. Also most parents in separated families that I know do really think about the children & try to do the best for them when making decisions (especially the mums). I do think there has to be a bit of a balance too as children will move out and the parent needs to have a life too. A happy parent will be beneficial to the child.

If you can wait for your DC to move out before you move in with your partner because you know it’s what’s best for them, you can give the same courtesy to his dc too. If the relationship is strong enough then waiting a few more years before being together for the rest of your lives isn’t an unreasonable think to expect a parent to do.

Teenagers really don’t need or want new step parents in their lives which is completely understandable. It’s not personal.

@Blushingm

Just a question; You want to wait until your children move out, but you don't think you should wait until his children also move out. Why?

Yes, I realize they're younger than yours, but shouldn't they be given the same treatment as yours?

It's not a criticism per se. I'm just curious.

This. Your children get their autonomy and his have to navigate a partner to spend time with their father in a couple of years. Teens tend to be very astute to what it will mean for their relationship with their father.