DPs dc don't want to meet me

[Blushingm]

We have been together just over 2 years. They are 11 & 14. They know their dad is with me and the both say they don't have a problem with it at all but the oldest says he doesn't want to meet me and the youngest just really doesn't mind.

DP has met my DD

I'm just not sure what we can do. We planned on moving in together in about 2 years when my youngest is in her own house.

We wondering if we just wait and see if they change their minds - I'm just a bit hurt and worried (which I know is a me problem)

What is the current set up? Do the children spend time with their dad in his house? Are you planning to move into his house? To be honest by 14 and 17 his children aren't likely to be in any house much. They'll probably be out with their friends doing teenager stuff.

I'd stick to your plan of moving in together and wouldn't worry about them not wanting to meet you just yet.

FYI I have a fabulous stepmother. I don't even remember how we first met. It was all just slow and steady... I could see how happy my dad was and that made me happy.

I also agree that you should give your partners children the same courtesy as your own children... by not moving in with your partner until they have left home if they usually spend a lot of time at their dad's house.

I’m in a similar boat OP so you’re not on your own. Have been seeing my boyfriend for four years and he has two teenage girls - 13 and 16. The young one is happy to meet me, although hasn’t, but the old one doesn’t want to, and apparently changes the subject when I’m brought up. Their dad was single for three years before we met so they’ve never had to deal with dad having a girlfriend. Mum ended the marriage and moved her new squeeze in fairly quickly after. They do a 50/50 split custody-wise although in reality it’s probably 60/40 dad having them more. Mum never takes them on holiday or wants them much over Cmas either. I don’t have kids.

My other half has decided to keep things separate until they are older. I don’t agree with it but I’m not their parent, or even a parent at all - so I get the “you don’t have kids so you don’t understand” excuse. We have no plans to move in together - we are happy with our own space but it would be nice to be able to go on holiday with him for more than a couple of days because that’s the only time he has child-free. Plus there is a little voice inside my head that says “what if he doesn’t want you to meet them because you’re not good enough?” that pipes up every now and again which doesn’t help.

If we moved in now we would need a minimum of 5 bedrooms

Plus I live in a village and my DD goes to school in the next town doing A Levels. DP lives in the same city as I work and his DC are in school 15 mins from his house. They both have their own rooms at his house which I wouldn't expect them to change

My DS is already saying he's moving out in the next 2 years as he thinks it's right for him as he thinks he's too old to be living with his mum! I'll be living alone in my house. DPs house is closer to my work - if I sell we could live mortgage free and have a good standard of living.

We couldn't live together now as he lives in the city and I live in a village with my daughter going to school in the next town over again - we wouldn't uproot any of the DC schooling - my DD is going to university in September and then plans to live with her friends - she has always hated living where we do as it's not easily accessible by public transport and there's nothing for kids to do. Even the bearer pub is a drive or a long walk

I think you may need to look into this a bit more tbh. Can either of your children afford to move out in 2 years🤷‍♀️

You sound nice, OP - you know it’s your issue to deal with not anyone else’s so that’s much more than 50% of the battle!

I’d chat with your DP about engineering a VERY quick ‘accidental’ meeting somewhere, ideally when you’re with your DS too, doing something very mundane e.g. you all happen to end up in the same coffee shop in town (you’re there first with DS, he pops in with his DC) and in that scenario it would be uncomfortable for him to not chat with you both briefly. Or you bump into each other getting an ice cream, or in the supermarket or whatever. If your DS can’t be with you then phone a friend? The presence of someone else with you means you’re not expecting the focus to all be on interaction between you & their father, or you and them. And keep it really brief.

It just needs the ice breaking in a very informal no pressure sort of way.

No real advice but just wanted to say, OP, you absolutely do have a right to move in with the man you love.

I hate the rhetoric here that people with kids should never have another cohabiting relationship. You are as entitled as anyone else to have a normal adult relationship.

@Blushingm

In your post to me and to @JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn you're still only talking about your children moving out, your children going to uni, with just a throwaway about his kids going to school local to him. You didn't want to disrupt your children so you are waiting til your DC have left home.

The fact of the matter is that whilst your DC have not been disrupted by a change in their living situation, his will be. It's not an issue of changing schools. It's an issue of having a new partner moving in to their home. You nicely avoided that for your own children, but seem not to want to give the same consideration to his.

@Blushingm , you say your children are moving out in 2 years, but can you be absolutely certain of this? The child going to Uni may need a home to come back to, so presumably you’re making room for them should you move in the next two years?

I think it’s right to allow your partner’s children time to be. You also haven’t mentioned what his thoughts are on the matter. Presumably he’s not inclined to force your relationship on the children, so you’re probably on a hiding to nothing here.

unless you want to play happy families, is there any need to meet them at all yet?

you don't live with your DP and are waiting until your own DD moves out before this happens, so why can't his children be afforded the same?

Teenagers are the worse kind when it comes to blending families.. and then have the added bonus of whatever rubbish their mum is filling their heads with.

Is your DP their main carer or are they only at his EOW and the odd weekday maybe? I don't see the big deal after 2 years you don't need to pussyfoot around and ask permission. Just live your life, make your plans and if they happen to be at his when you are, we'll yes you will bump into each other. His younger DC, you could plan some family time if they don't mind, but at 14, DC's tend to prefer to hang out with their mates than their parents. I think there is a limit as to how much you let a DC dictate, and after 2 years, you shouldn't need to ask, it's just going to happen.
You are not blending families if your DC's have already flown the coup by then, so that's no going to happen.

He can’t move in with you if his children are not enthusiastic about living with you. It will destroy his relationship with his children. You should not want to be with a man who would do that.

After 2 years, it is time for you all to meet. Maybe start with the child who doesn’t have strong feelings. Make it short and low stakes.

from first meeting to being able to move in together, you really need at least 2-3 years though. At that point oldest will be 16-17 and you have to wonder why not wait it out rather than go through the trouble of creating a blended household.

He has his DC 5 nights out of 14 at the moment

No I can't be but that's what they say they want (I'd not mentioned any of this to them) - obviously I'm not going to tell them they have to go - they're my DC and are my 1st priority but DD has always said she wants to move out permanently by 2nd year at university and DS is already saving to move out

Your currently teenage children may enjoy the idea of moving out but that may be far from reality in terms of the cost of living .
My own experience is of young adults flitting back and forward from home for many years until they are able to financially independent .

Off topic but You could “let” the house to your son and move in with DP
that way you are still on the property market and gives you a chance to see if living together is what you want

@DaisyChainsandSunnyDays that could actually be a possibility - he couldn't afford it on his own but if him & a friend lived together that could work - thank you!

DD has always said she wants to move out permanently by 2nd year at university

What would you expect to happen at Christmas? I know someone who this happened to...essentially sofa surfed over Xmas at aged 19. "Home" wasn't a home anymore, it was so sad. The idea of living away sounds great but the reality is very different. So many children struggle at Uni, for lots of reasons and having a base is important. Uni flatmates often have challenges and fall outs, then rents become extortionate.

Are you expecting never to house your children again? I think you will resent the set up in 5-10 years when his children have a home whereas yours will be visitors...plus you will pay 50% for the pleasure of having space for his dc who dont want you there.

Please read the step parenting boards, regrettably blended families really do struggle so you would do wise to learn from others. Don't give up your security for a man who isn't giving up much. He has tk have equal risk

You can absolutely have a "normal adult relationship", this doesn't have to mean living together.

Nobody is saying you can never have another cohabiting relationship, people are saying that it's not fair to force this onto his teenage children, who currently don't even want to meet OP. If the relationship is strong enough why not wait a few more years until his children are adults before moving in?

It's pretty shitty to bring an unrelated adult into your childs home, which should be their safe space, if they're not fully on board with it. It's hard enough being a teenager, having their parents split and being moved between houses without being uncomfortable in their own home because their parent has decided to move in someone they dislike/don't have a relationship with.

The kids don't have any control and it's up to their parents to look after their best interests. If the children are actively against the idea and the parent decides to force it on them, honestly I think that's pretty appalling parenting and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone like that.

@Livinghappy .. this is true, my daughter went off to uni for 3 years, the plan was to never come home, but, when uni finished there was nothing suitable for them to rent, and then covid happened and they ended up staying with us for another 3 years!

My older DD really didn’t want to meet my Dp as she just didn’t want me to be with anyone. She was 14 at the time where as my younger Dd was so unbothered and has really embraced Dp and his kids and family life when we are lucky enough to all be together. He’s great with dd2 as she’s let him be and he’s so proud of her which really warms my heart: So my advice is just let it be. Also as a pp said, children of divorce have very little control over their circumstances / living situation. They will come round and even if they don’t fully there will be some kind of work around. Focus on what you do have and your future.

@Secondstart1001 thank you - I do hope he comes around but we still love each other so will carry on til it sorts itself out I guess. We've got years after all