Why can't I meet someone normal?

[thecatsarecrazy]

Every man I meet turns out to have issues. Narcissist, drug use etc. Matched with a guy on tinder a couple of weeks ago. No red flags to start with, I didn't get my hopes up just spoke for a few days then met up, had a few drinks chat ect. Then the next day he says there's something wrong with me. I listen to sad music every night on purpose and cry.
Despite this I still spoke to him, agreed to meet again, but he's accused me of being on dates with other men If I'm not active on WhatsApp. I went to bed at half 9 because I wanted to go to the gym at 4am, woke up to messages from him saying I guess your on a date, hope u find happiness take care and blocked. He unblocked me and I said I was in bed, he apologised said he's an idiot. We met Tuesday night and he did my head in totally. Kept taking the piss out of me, laughing at me wanted to go driving after drinking rum. Then said all women are the same haha 😄 obviously I'm totally over it and gave way more chances than I should but this is the standard of men I meet. Last was a coke head who would ask for money, one before was a love bombing narcissist

It sounds like maybe you just ignore red flags to begin with. This is quite common I think if you have totally shit relationship templates to draw from from childhood (I do!) whereas other people would spot the early red flags and instantly rule out that person as an option.

What did you speak about before meeting up?

I don't think I would have thought much about the comment about him listening to sad music (this was about him, not a judgement of him about something you said, right?) except maybe been a bit like OK - weird overshare on a first date.

But the weird behaviour when you didn't reply to his whatsapp and him instantly jumping to you being with someone else - this would have been an instant nope to me. That's very extreme controlling behaviour. And you'd had one date! I would not have met up with him again after that and I wouldn't even have explained that I was in bed. Instant block.

The fact the last few men have all had issues - do you think you present as vulnerable and so they sort of seek you out? Or is there any common factor you found attractive about them?

Bring honest, if you're just attracting knobheads then you need to work on yourself as well.

What attracts you to these deadbeats? Do you have any trauma related childhood issues?

You're attracted to dickheads. That's the first thing to work out why.

I've become quite good at picking up red flags after being involved with a narcissist, and I've blocked quite a few after they presented themselves early on, but with him we were chatting on WhatsApp and he seemed absolutely fine, was happy talking didn't come out with anything strange. The music thing was him literally saying I'm addicted to making myself cry, I can't wait to get home and put sad music on and cry then he sent me links to the songs. It was some weird heavy music with shouting like slipknot crap. Yes the blocking me the other night should have been it. He messaged earlier in the evening and didn't reply after my messages so I just went to bed, then he sent one at 11.55 on a Thursday night and 5 Mins later said I must be on a date. He knows I work until 8pm every evening.
I've since found out he's on prescription drugs, drinks and still lives at home at 45.

I must admit I used to go for wronguns, people said I should go for a different type and I thought I was with him.
Didn't realise until I met him how messed up he is.

someone once said to me... 'if you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got'

it changed my life to be honest... if you dont want to meet knob-heads or weirdo's then stop looking for them, meeting them and giving them 2nd, 3rd and 4th chances..

You are not good at picking up on red flags because after his first comment about you, you still gave him chance after chance. So that's where your problem is. You can't recognise what is ok and not. Even after he became worse you still went out with him.

Assuming you're in that 40ish age range, you;re fked Im afraid. Its other people cast offs or cranks, or if you're unlucky, both.

You're giving way too many chances. If this literally keeps happening, I think you should consider what part you might be playing in finding and tolerating these men -- therapy, to look at your own childhood scripts around self-esteem, expectations in relationships etc?

I'm confused why he said that about the sad music? Do you go home and listen to sad music? It just seems strange for someone who doesn't know you, to come out with that

I think there is some truth in this. The decent men get taken in their 20s. Because they are decent, they don't get divorced. The ones who do get divorced were either abusive or they cheated. Usually.

Works both ways though, i.e. male or female. People end up on OLD at that age for many reasons but as you rightly say, most "good" people get married or coupled off in their 20s,hence removing the single element from my simple equation below.

I'm afraid you can only pick 2 of the following criteria:

Sane
Attractive
Single

I'm reading that it's the man who listens to sad music, not OP? It is not very clear though.

What kind of thing did you talk about for a few days before meeting up? You say nothing strange, but the other things that you did notice as strange are so extremely weird I wonder if your bar for normal is quite low? This is not a criticism, just trying to help spot if there are any useful patterns.

Because you keep ignoring red flags with your poor boundaries and people pleasing tendencies. This guy who texted you about being on dates, then blocked and unblocked you, why on earth would you go out with him? You just keep overlooking problematic behaviour from men.

Put the effort into understanding yourself, why you keep ignoring red flags and why you keep giving random men the benefit of doubt over your own best interest and self protection.

And while I will always agree that the good ones are taken off the market early and quickly and remain taken, what should happen to a woman with good boundaries who is single and looking, is that she will be single until those rare good guys crop up, rather than collecting exes and getting more jaded everyday by dating losers for the sake of dating, ignoring multiple red flags. You can be on dating apps, but you do not need to ignore red flags. You do not need to keep going back if the first date was terrible. And there is a difference, between he is shy and awkward or not much chemistry but respectful 'terrible' and actual red flags terrible.

Make a big list of all the red flags you ignored with those guys and try to see a pattern of your behaviour. For example, do you like going for 'deep and complex, misunderstood and brooding' types? Do you like the 'bad boy' or cocky type? Lastly, be the type that the guys you want to attract go for. What kind of women do those 'normal nice guys' seem to marry? The nice 'normal' guys I know are with women who arguably 'wear the trousers', the women are very independent and confident, even if she is a housewife, she is very forthright with high self esteem.

Then the next day he says there's something wrong with me. I listen to sad music every night on purpose and cry.

Yeah I get what you mean, it's either an incorrectly placed full stop or he's saying there's something wrong with her and she's listening to sad music because of that.

Can you clarify OP?

Why are you addicted to crying?

To answer your question, you cannot meet someone normal as you keep entertaining these men with obvious red flags that you choose to ignore. Stop it.

Totally. Why anyone would entertain those types is beyond me. What does she think they're going to be like in person?! It merely backs up my that pick any 2 from that list i posted above.

Yup, some of us men can be pretty toxic - and women too 😂. OLD can be a minefield of psychos..... but I think the issue is that you really want these to work, so you emotionally invest too soon, ignore the red flags. Just try to hold back unless / until you know they're worth the investment. And if they're not, don't get upset, just have a laugh about them with your mates (seriously - I had a hairdresser who would keep the unsolicited d**k pics she'd been sent just for giggles on a girls' night out). You'll meet someone who's better, just don't stress about the rest

It’s him that’s addicted to crying. The OP clarifies further in her second post.

Correct, she does. Another reason to avoid him then!

Brutal! Sounds like you're telling OP there's no hope. There is. Ignore sweeping generalisations!

Absolutely! Sending her the songs he cries to? Why, so they can both cry together?

There isn't. See my earlier post. In the world of OLD at that age I'm afraid you can only pick 2 of the following criteria:

Sane
Attractive
Single

I hope you're wrong - or I'm f*ed (or rather, I won't be ever again).
Sure, there's some screwed up manipulative people out there, but for every decent woman trying to navigate her way through, there's a decent guy trying to do the same. Are you saying that necessarily OP only meets 2 of your criteria??
Or that these days the single women are fine, it's just us men who must be ugly / attached / mad?
I'm sorry you seem bitter, but I've got to believe there is still hope and decency out there......

@Bittenonce It's the same for men and women, no sexism here. Obviously it's tongue in cheek but there's some truth in it. All the attractive and sane people aren't single. There are attractive and single women out there but they'll have the crazy about them. Your best bet is single and sane, but they'll not be attractive.

And to lighten the mood, have a watch of this