Feel so let down by friend...

[WolfStar]

A few months ago, my husband collapsed while on his way home from work. He was unconscious for a long time and it was a terrible shock to get the news he'd been taken to hospital.

Since then, he's been undergoing extensive medical tests and it's been a time of real worry and strain. Added to which, he's lost his driving license (hopefully not forever), and all sorts of things have had to change.

People have generally been kind and supportive, asking how things are, offering to help with my young kids, and letting me know they've got my back. But one friend – who I consider to be one of my closest – has really disappointed me with her reaction. When I first told her the news (she lives in another country, so it was a WhatsApp message), she sent me a strangely cold 'oh dear, that must be awful, hope he's better soon' message... and then 2 paras updating me on her latest activities with photos of her holiday. Since then, she's contacted me much less than usual, and other than a perfunctory 'how is X doing?" each time, has barely acknowledged what an upheaval it's been or made me feel supported.

I thought of her as a great friend and it's just made me feel terribly sad! Other people, who I did not consider to be close friends, have shown more concern. And I don't quite know how to be with her now, as I just feel she hasn't been a 'friend in need' - if you know what I mean.

I’m so sorry to hear about your husband OP. Sadly how your friend has behaved is not uncommon. A few years ago I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer & it was often the people I least expected that came through for me. One of my closest friends found it really hard to handle it. I think sometimes people don’t know what to say but I’d much rather they said something than nothing! Anyway I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ve read similar threads & people will often say you find out who your real friends are.

So sorry to read about your husband and I hope he eventually makes a full recovery.

She sadly sounds like a fair weather friend ie fine when things are good but when the going gets tough for you they are absent. It’s not your fault she is like this and some people shy away completely when given bad news.

You need radiators in your life, not drains. Continue to get support from the caring people and be kind to yourself.

I understand your disappointment, and it must be hard that in these already very emotional times, you're also feeling like you're losing a friend.

I'd like to get some more information to get a clear picture.
Is this the first time you've gone through anything hard since meeting this friend?
If not, how has she responded in the past? Has she been supportive or caring before, or has she disappointed you before?
Is she going through anything, or could she be going through something you're unaware of that makes her keep her distance?

It’s really hard to judge from afar what people need and there’s not a lot she can do. You say she’s asked after dh so it then depends on your response. If it’s full she may think there’s nothing further to say and if you’re brief in your response then she may think you don’t want you talk about it. If she’s a good friend, let her know what you need from her. Everyone is different so it’ll be hard for her get a read on your needs.

If you’d said she never asks after dh then I’d reply differently. You’ve interpreted that as perfunctorily but do you really think that’s how it’s intended?

Tbh I don’t think her response was cold. Why did you find that cold??

And maybe she’s trying to distract you and not dwell on your worries?

I’d be careful you aren’t misreading her tone here.

To be honest, if your DH collapsed (?fainted) and has since seemed fit & well (albeit advised not to drive as a precaution) and is awaiting results for things like epilepsy etc… I think your friend’s reaction is probably proportionate (or at least understandable - particularly as she lives in another country so is a step removed, and probably hasn’t realised that it’s thrown you as much as it has).

I’m a close and supportive friend to my lifelong friends, but we tend to be fairly factual & briefish when asking after eachothers ailing dads (cancer for my friend, pneumonia for mine) or unwell partners (my friends husband had cancer and we pulled out all the stops). It does seem like your friend is probably not unduly concerned about your situation as there’s plenty of reasons people pass out, which are harmless or unexplainable, and if it’s a while since the even and he’s feeling fine then really you can’t expect all your friends to maintain your own level of worry and distress over it - they’re on with their own busy lives and not ruminating/worrying as much as you.

Once your DH has the all clear (which I’m sure he will) or if it’s something treatable & controllable like epilepsy, then really you won’t be worrying either; and it will all seem more proportionate to you. But for the meantime, you can’t really expect everyone to share your same level of angst.

I'm not sure I'd find that response as disappointing.

Don't know whether that helps or not. But I think this friend is limited how she can help, may believe that talking about it doesn't make the situation any better and regular check ins are acknowledging the difficulty.

Most importantly, you have no idea what she's going through that you don't know about. You might say there's nothing, but you really don't know.

I'm not entirely sure what you expected from her tbh. Her initial responses sounds perfectly normal and not cold to me (OK maybe she then said too much about her holiday, but not that bad). She has continued to ask how he is. She is in a different country so cannot offer to help with kids etc. I don't think she has done anything awful.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband and I do hope he'll be ok.

I don't think her behaviour is terrible to be honest. She's far away so can't be of much practical help like looking after your children. It's hard to read tone of voice in messages. What sounds cold to you might have been written with feeling. Also she does always ask how he is. I'm not sure what else she can do really. She's keeping in touch and telling you her news - maybe she thinks you don't want to only talk about your DH and might like distractions.

I had cancer and some of my very closest friends were odd about it. They really didn't know what to say. Some actively avoided talking about it even though I felt I needed to. One friend, literally backed away from me in the street when I mentioned it and made her excuses and left!!

I think my friends tried to cheer me up and distract me by talking about other frivolous things. Maybe this is what your friend's doing.

Yes, it’s true she has asked after us. I suppose I just felt her responses lacked warmth. And I’d say she’s been in contact much less since it happened, which is odd. She is busy I know.
I have given her quite detailed answers when she asked, and her lack of engagement with those answers made me feel like I was being boring. To be honest, it’s just been an overwhelming time full of worry and I haven’t been my usual fun self!
@StringTheory1 It was a major seizure, not a faint. Very worrying, especially initially, when all sorts of potential causes went through our heads. I’ve calmed down now but I suppose her initial reaction was just very disappointing to me. It’s not that I wanted her to DO anything. Just give me a sense of ‘I’m really thinking about you at this shit time!’
@Girlmom35 We’ve been close friends for around 10 years … and this is the first major upset I’ve had in that time. I know she is incredibly busy with her job but all the same. I have continued to ask after her and take an interest in her life.
@Peanutbutterfan Sorry to hear about your illness and I hope you’re doing ok? Must have been really tough to feel let down by friends at such a time.

I think the responses here are a bit confusing to me. I wonder if they've skipped over (or perhaps never experienced the type of friend who does this) the part where she immediately turned the focus of the conversation onto her.

Those friends are exhausting and I totally understand why you would be hurt by it, OP. In fact, my 13yo daughter has just experienced this for the first time with her best friend. She said, and I quote, 'I never noticed how self-centred she was until I really needed her, and now it's all I can see.'

Which is a very normal reaction to someone who responds to terrible news with ME ME ME. Even if all she had said was 'Oh dear, I hope he's better soon', she could've made this infinitely better by not dumping her holiday pics in the chat. It's about reading the room, and she clearly doesn't know how to do that.

I'm really sorry to hear about your DH it must of been a awful ordeal and time of worry for you and your family.

It dose sound from you post that your friend was cold and didn't really acknowledge your situation fully or the affect it had on you or your family, even though she cannot offer any physical support just some one to listen to you rant and to listen to you as you possibly fear the worse would of been a massive help and given you emotional support that was probably much needed from such a close friend.

It sounds like you have a pop up friend if I'm honest, it a friend that only contacts you to boast about their life, or talk about their issues....they only ask about your life to be polite but they don't actually care, these kinds of people are all take take take.

I do hope that you embrace all those other unexpected helper and distance yourself from people that are all about ME,ME,ME constantly.

If this friend asks why you are being distant just be honest.

I have a slightly different response to this, borne of having had a husband with a very serious illness over many years. Don't cut anyone off unless they are downright rude. You don't know what the future will bring. If it does turn out to be something longer and stressful over time, then different people might come to the fore at different times- there are people who will leap in immediately and be wonderful, but there are also people who don't quite know what to say, but keep on being there for you, and perhaps a year in when you need them to come and take you out, will turn up and do so. Also, if you live abroad, or even a friend not living in your local area, there's not that much people can do or say, and you also know less about their active capacity to help at any given time- perhaps they have a relative with bad news or are very worried about one of their children's mental health.

I think people on mumsnet are too quick to write off friends, not everyone has great capacity at all times to keep on top of all their friends' troubles (especially if they have a lot of friends) and these things ebb and flow. If she ignored you or didn't reply, fair enough, but she's kept asking and obviously been in touch a few times, she lives abroad, I kind of think that's ok for now. Not everyone steps forward at the same time, or in the same way, or can be that great support, but my experience is over the long-term, most carry on being good friends if you let them.

Don't be too hard on her. She's in another country, so can't offer practical support. Of course she cares, it's just not her style to go on and on about it in a WhatsApp.

Is it possible that she's come across as a bit unemotional in a message unintentionally? I sometimes find messages don't always get across how someone is feeling. She has continued to ask how he's doing so it doesn't seem like she doesn't care. As you say, she lives in another country and has a busy life so is maybe just a bit more detached from it all than geographically closer friends?

I dont think someone collapsing and being unconscious and so far itunexplained could be described as fit and well.

Sorry to hear you've been through this OP. I'd suggest giving your friend the benefit of the doubt. It can be hard to engage properly and convey emotion via text and she hopefully didn't intend to be cold or dismissive. Perhaps if you saw her in person she'd be different - more like the close friend you thought she was.
Hope you're getting the support you need from other friends.

Thanks for your replies all. Yes, I have no intention of dropping her as a friend as I’m sure she’d give me a warm hug in person … and I do love her dearly.

I guess we can feel so disappointed when people react differently to how we’d imagine. I’ve really appreciated people sending regular texts with warm thoughts and messages of concern. Just makes the whole business less lonely. And being geographically far from someone makes that even more important somehow!

As I say, she has been in touch but less than usual. In her last message, she asked how things were and I gave her an update of where we are with medical tests etc. it was probably quite boring but important to me obviously. But she didn’t engage at all or even reply… and that was 2 weeks ago. Just feels a bit cold.

Totally agree.

Possibly she doesn’t know how to respond.

Can see why that feels a bit cold but do agree with people who say it's not that bad from their POV... also some of my friends are not super bothered about partners - some of my friends like mine ok but they won't go out of their way to ask about him and even if I was worried they wouldn't feel that at all themselves if you see what I mean? People express things differently and aren't very good in some situations, or have been taught that's what they should be like, whereas people might have been more expressive in your family etc.

Maybe she hasn't quite grasped how hard its been too cos other stuff is going on with her. Or she's just been a bit distracted by other stuff in life - I've been a bit distant with some close friends when there is a lot going on - just cos I can't keep up with everyone. I definitely do that more with friends who I think have lots of other friends. Whereas with a friend who didn't have lots of other friends I might be more expressive and attentive. Maybe that's wrong though! But yeh might also be that she thinks you have lots of friends and support. But yeh sorry OP sounds hard with your husband, hope he improves soon.

I think I'd be inclined to not chase her for effort. She may well be doing the minimum ask out of expected politeness, so I wouldn't bother with details. If she contacts you less, contact her less, match her lack of effort and busy yourself with other people who are more supportive.

I totally understand why you were upset. Yes she's in a different country but there's nothing stopping her from saying are you alright, perhaps facetiming you to check how your dh is and how you're coping.

I hope your dh is improving, it's such a worrying time isn't it, don't forget to look after yourself too.

It can be very hard to know what to say to this stuff if you haven't been through it yourself.

Even if you have... for a few years after my mum died I was totally on top of how to support people with bereavement but it has kind of worn off!

I see why it's upsetting, but I see the other side too. I consider myself pretty good at keeping in touch with people and put effort in to my friendships, but I know there's been times I've read a text back and realized it may not have come across how I meant it, or forgotten to reply at the worst possible time.