Feel so let down by friend...

[WolfStar]

A few months ago, my husband collapsed while on his way home from work. He was unconscious for a long time and it was a terrible shock to get the news he'd been taken to hospital.

Since then, he's been undergoing extensive medical tests and it's been a time of real worry and strain. Added to which, he's lost his driving license (hopefully not forever), and all sorts of things have had to change.

People have generally been kind and supportive, asking how things are, offering to help with my young kids, and letting me know they've got my back. But one friend – who I consider to be one of my closest – has really disappointed me with her reaction. When I first told her the news (she lives in another country, so it was a WhatsApp message), she sent me a strangely cold 'oh dear, that must be awful, hope he's better soon' message... and then 2 paras updating me on her latest activities with photos of her holiday. Since then, she's contacted me much less than usual, and other than a perfunctory 'how is X doing?" each time, has barely acknowledged what an upheaval it's been or made me feel supported.

I thought of her as a great friend and it's just made me feel terribly sad! Other people, who I did not consider to be close friends, have shown more concern. And I don't quite know how to be with her now, as I just feel she hasn't been a 'friend in need' - if you know what I mean.

Maybe she's been in contact less because she knows you have your hands full?

It does sound fairly shit, but to play devils advocate for a minute, maybe she's just not very good at this, but is trying her best?

My best friends Mum died while I was on a year abroad in our 20s. Trying to work out what was appropriate over email was a nightmare. Should I be asking questions, talk to her about it, or should I be trying to take her mind off it with my insignificant waffle. How frequently should I contact her, she's presumably busy arranging the funeral, wanting to spend time with her family, but what if I leave her alone too much and she thinks I don't care. In a spectacular moment of stupidity I emailed a mutual friend to ask how my best friend was doing, and how I could help from so far away, and somehow managed to email it to my BF instead.

Luckily my friend knows I'm an idiot, and forgave me for being such. After about two weeks I managed to get access to a cheap phone, and we spent a good 2 hours on a call with each other.

Distance can make things hard, or maybe your friend just isn't very good at talking about difficult stuff. Not everyone is. I have a few friends that I'd never talk to about anything deep, because they'd be utter crap at it. But they have other qualities, one might be fantastic at cheering me up, one owns every possible spanner I could possibly want to borrow! Very few people a good at every aspect of being a friend, that doesn't mean they're crap friends.

Taking all these comments on board, and yes, it can be hard to know what to say to people in these situations.

But all the same, I’ve showed her that I wanted to discuss stuff by giving her lots of information and she’s just been quite detached… I feel like she prefers the fun me, not this downbeat version!

That, unfortunately, might be the case. Or she may not know what to say. I have a couple of friends like this, but they turned out to be good in that they stuck with me over the years, and they are very good in person, not good at all over text. It is a shame, but not everyone has the same capacity around these things, but think what she would do in person-perhaps hug you and take you on a night out? I would cut off someone who actively chose to withdraw from me during a time of stress (as in made an active decision not to support me, which one family did), but I wouldn't and don't feel so bad about friends who ebb and flow in how they've supported me, and I them, over decades.

I agree. OP is right in the thick of it. The ppl she mentions showing more concern are probably physically witnessing the changes, like work colleagues or school parents who she sees and speaks to on a daily basis.

It must have been a massive shock, something big to adapt to and worries for the future - all very serious for OP and immediate family - but from an objective point of view DH collapsed but did not require emergency surgery. He presumably is still in his job. Changes have had to be made but there is the ability to make these changes and it sounds as if there are people already showing emotional if not physical support. What is it you want from your friend?

This is naturally dominating your life, and it’s easy to believe others will find it just as distressing on your behalf, but not everyone has the emotional bandwidth or empathy to, to say nothing of having their own life and concerns they are pre-occupied with themselves.

If you don’t speak to her often she may not have the tolerance to listen to the complications or negativity you are sadly facing right now. She lives in a foreign country and has her own life and own set of problems that she maybe isn’t sharing with you. If, God forbid, your husband had died, lost the use of his limbs or been diagnosed with a serious/terminal illness then her response could well have been different. But she may have assumed the situation wasn’t as bad as the one you are experiencing. And the fact you don’t know what’s wrong isn’t the same as being told a horrific diagnosis. It’s hell for him and you, and those closest to you I’d imagine - the waiting, and all the possibilities of what it could be. But you don’t know yet.

She’s either of the opinion - wait for the confirmation the news is bad before getting overly upset (she’s not directly affected don’t forget, so easy to do) or, like this PP has said is trying to distract you from your present worries. If staying in contact with you is more difficult bc of the physical distance she may be loathe to contact you to receive a lengthy summation of how hard your life is and the worry you feel for your husband who has yet to be formerly diagnosed with something serious. If he is, she may well step up.

Some ppl have enough negativity in their own lives without absorbing others’. It’s never going to affect others the way it affects you. There’s nothing wrong with wanting empathy or sympathy, but it’s easy to set your expectations of others too high, then feel even worse bc you are disappointed in them.

Focus on the friends and acquaintances who are showing they care and appreciate the fact you have them in your life.

I wish you and your husband well and hope you find out what is wrong with him soon, and that it can be dealt with swiftly 💐

I’m also not sure op, as text messages can be misread in terms of tone. Clearly you wish much much more, but she is asking, she has expressed concern. I understand it wasn’t warm enough for you, but I’m actually not sure she’s done wrong.

I would agree with this. It all sounds fine to me. What were you expecting from her - given she’s abroad so not local?

Thank you for this, I’m sure you’re right. I feel raw but I appreciate other people won’t be seeing it like that. Of course, it’s a matter of perspective.
Waiting for a potential diagnosis is scary. And very draining. I guess I just assumed my friend would be intuitive about that worry and communicate a bit more warmth. She hasn’t asked me about the latest round of tests.
But anyway, I do understand what you’re saying and thanks for your insight.

i’d be hurt too OP, it doesn’t sound like you’ve been over demanding in the slightest and more sympathetic and consistent texts would have been really welcome. Hope all goes well with your DH’s test results and life gets a bit smoother for you all soon.

This