Partner cheating 35 weeks pregnant

[Preggo1234]

Not sure where to start :( looking for some advice and words of wisdom.

I have just found out that my partner (31 M) of 4 years has been emotionally cheating on me whilst I’m 35 weeks pregnant with our first child. Albeit he says that nothing physical has happened, he has been messaging a girl 10 years younger than him from work. I have seen some of the messages as her partner has contacted me with them, it’s general flirty banter and sending each other pictures in the gym. The pictures are topless of my partner, and of the girls bum/boobs. The messages make sexual references to my partner wanting to pin this girl down and them knowing each other like the back of each others hands.

To make matters worse, we all work together. However, since being pregnant I have been working from home so not been in the office as much. Allowing perfect opportunity for them to spend time together. So this girl knew full well I am pregnant with his baby, we’re engaged, have a house, has congratulated me when we found out the gender etc. And to top it off she’s absolutely gorgeous.

I know she hasn’t been in the best relationship as we have talked about it in work and I have told her to leave him. So I can see from her point of view why she would be messaging someone else for a bit of excitement, as from what she described she is in a controlling relationship.

My partner however, I feel has no excuse. He admitted to me that it’s been going on for about a month, and that it was stupid and the only reason he was doing it was for a bit of excitement and as a release. He said that nothing physical has happened and it’s only been messages. Which I do believe.

However, I can’t get over the fact that he has done this to me whilst I’m pregnant with his child. I have known something has been up for this last 2 weeks as his behaviour has changed and he has been on his phone a lot, but I was never close enough to see who he was messaging. I feel like he left alone me in my most vulnerable time and has made me feel unwanted.

He said he feels crushed in the relationship at the moment as he can’t do whatever he wants, as I have asked him to consider me when it comes to spending time together/making plans. As he often just goes to the gym for 2 hours on our day off together, leaving me to wait around for him to be able to do something with him. And if he feels crushed now - what is he going to be like when the reality of a baby comes around?

He swears that he is still attracted to me, loves me and wants to be with me and doesn’t know why he has done this. However, he had cheated on me when we were one year into the relationship as a drunken one off and I took him back.

I feel like if I were to take him back again, he would just see that he could continue this behaviour as there is no consequence for him. However, I do want the family lifestyle.

Just looking for where to go from here really.

How awful, I am so sorry.

I think on a practical level, the only solution is to say to him - look, this is extremely serious. Your behaviour is beyond inexcusable.
We have a child coming to us in a month's time and you have a choice.

If he wants to be a family, he must quit this job immediately and find something else. He also needs to activate location sharing with you and forget 2 hour sessions in the gym at this stage of your pregnancy.

Tell him what you have written there - that he needs to get over himself, grow up and realise that the freedom he wants only flies when you're 17. He's 31. Conceiving comes with life changing responsibility.

Give him 48h to decide as time is not on your side. If he even tries to negotiate, say bye.

Again, I'm so sorry.

Stop blaming her. Focus on him.

He's a cheat. And there's no way it's only emotional with those messages.

Get and STD
He's just not put you at risk but your baby too.

If he's will to do this to you at the most vulnerable time in your whole life he will NEVER be trustworthy.

Leave.

So you've caught him 2 times now.... he'll do it again.... if he hasnt already... can you live like this? Can u forgive and trust him... ? Soon you'll have a baby too and he'll make more and more excuses not to be around.. cause its crushing him... 🙄

Give him 48 hours to decide??

WTF? This is OPs decision, he already decided to ruin the relationship when he cheated

So sad, I feel for you OP

Trust is very hard to rebuild after finding out a deciet like this.

Another MN's stated tell him to leave his job - I bet you he wont

I thought that and thought WTF
Glad you think like me
OP, only you can decided and if he left the job it would be easier IMO

Seek guidance/support from from parents/siblings if possible

Ouch. I’m really sorry this is happening to you op, how awful. He’s a selfish dickhead but until I got to the part where he’s already cheated on you previously, I think I was leaning more towards the read him the riot act/make him change jobs/work through it route.. but he’s got history. He’s cheated on you before, knew how much that hurt you and has chosen to do it to you again, only this time it’s worse. He’s a scumbag and he won’t change. His reasoning is absolutely pathetic as well, if he thinks he’s tight for ‘me time’ exchanging half dressed selfies time now he’s in for a fucking shock when the baby arrives. I’d be preparing for single motherhood.

My recommendation to you is to get out now. It will never change. Been there, done that. If you get out now, no it won't be easy but it is 100% the right thing to do, otherwise you are fighting a battle you will never win. Focus on yourself and your young child for a few years then you might be lucky enough to meet a decent man who doesn't seek the attention of someone else. He does not respect you and cannot possibly love you. Your relationship is a farce. It really is the lowest of the low to do this to someone who is pregnant with your child.

He has absolutely zero respect for his unborn childs mother. And with a woman you work with? Honestly OP I would throw this one back. Being a single mother is hard, but it's harder with someone who you can't trust for the basic things like loyalty

He is not trustworthy. Get an STD test. STD's in pregnancy could harm your baby. I wouldn't trust him, and his word, with your unborn child's health. I know it's hard to walk away so heavily pregnant but you aren't going to get the family life you wanted. Well not with this guy. He's cheated twice. You'll be forever looking over you shoulder.

This is really shit advice, don’t do this.

emotion or physical makes no odds when you’re 35m pregnant, you need to leave this loser, he doesn’t care about you.

I missed the bit about cheating before. Therefore, ignore my previous posts and I'm with the poster I quoted

Good luck

Your actions made him send pictures of his nipples to a woman ten years younger. If only you had no needs or wants, then he wouldn't be forced in to this. Poor chap.

I said that based on the reading that the OP wanted to give him a chance. Of course if she wants to chuck him, she can / should.

When did the engagement happen? Before or after the pregnancy? It’s really a good idea to have a good idea of a man’s commitment before you start having children. He’s showing you he’s not committed in any way shape or form. You would be best to take your child and move on quite swiftly. Do you live together? Who owns the house?

I would put money on the fact this has become physical.
get an STD test. He can’t be trusted. He sounds like a self absorbed prick. He is crushed because you’re making a whole human? Yeah ok. Jog on.

Absolutely get rid of him. He’s never going to change. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

If he is doing this before his baby is born then things are only going to get worse after the birth. He is obviously not committed to you or the baby. And he has history for cheating on you.
I don't think you will ever be able to trust him and you should seriously consider planning your future as a single parent because he is not relationship material. He has betrayed you badly.

Have I misread the OP?

Why the fuck should he get to decide anything to do with the relationship? He is a cheating piece of immature shit.

The only thing he should be deciding is what duvet cover to put on his childhood bed at his parents’ house.

Utter scum. The levels to which men will sink in their treatment of women never fails to surprise and depress me.

https://www.tiktok.com/@themellanieparry/video/7230930594044103963

circle of acceptance is getting bigger because you keep accepting him being a complete shit.

Oh boohoo. He’s a grown up with responsibilities and is finding it hard.

Imagine his hard ged find it if he was growing a whole new human and he found out his partner was a cheat.

the only reason he hasn’t physically cheated is because they were found out. Believe me, it would have escalated and quickly.

you don’t need to rush to a decision now but you can’t rely on him and you’ll always have doubts so bare minimum, make sure you register the baby with your last name or at least both (not double barrelled, just two last names) because chances are you won’t be together forever now. Don’t let him convince you to only give the baby his name, should you make it to marriage then you can register the baby then and change the last name if you want to.

I interpreted the OP as wanting to give him a chance. Obviously she can decide to leave.

But if she wants to give him a chance, IMO it needs to be one-off, highly conditional and time-boxed.

Sorry that wasn't clear.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Sadly though, he won’t change and if he feels you being pregnant curtails him, wait until baby is here, this is the easy bit!

I would do short term pain now, for long term gain.

have an STD check and inform your midwife for support
Tell him it’s over and he needs to move out (who’s names are on the mortgage/tennancy?)
do not put his name on the birth certificate
claim CMS as soon as baby is born

you cannot trust him now and when the baby is here will be far more involved in baby with less capacity to move/throw him out/think straight when exhausted. Sort it out now and have time to get ready before baby arrives

I'm going to draw this open a lot further than cheating.
I'm going to say chances are that he's going to be a very disappointing father and husband to you in the future. Why do I say that? Because his actions are showing you very clearly that he puts his own needs, wants, desires, ... above anyone elses.

Men need to actively make a choice to change their lifestyle to make room for the baby's needs, and the mother's needs. He's not doing that, and the baby isn't even born. He says he feels suffocated - as if that justifies cheating. How is he going to feel with a newborn, being up all night, struggling with breastfeeding - walking around for hours with a colicky baby, changing a dozen diapers a day while barely having time to eat or shower?
That's right, he's not. He's probably going to leave all that up to you and head to the gym. Statistically women lose about 3 hours of sleep every night after having a baby. Men lose 15 minutes.

A lot of men don't know how they can contribute in the early newborn stages. I always say, what works most of the time is: the mum takes care of the baby and the dad takes care of the mum, making sure she eats, bringing her a drink while she feeds the baby, taking the baby so she can nap or shower, be mindful whether she has time to brush her teeth, go pee, change her underwear, ...
He already sounds like he's going to be useless. Because not only are you going to go through that alone, you're also going to go through that having just had to deal with his infidelity.

I can't tell you to stay with him or not. That's up to you. But he needs a serious wake-up call. Because if he keeps going down this path, he is eventually going to lose you and his family.

I agree with all of this!

What a poor little manchild he is! It must be so hard for him you being pregnant. 🙄🙄 He’ll be the dad complaining about having to sleep in an uncomfortable chair whilst you give birth. He’ll spend hours at the gym whilst you’re at home with a newborn because he is just so overwhelmed by it all. Nah!

OP, you are worth and deserve so much more than him.