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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Friend who boasts

51 replies

Neco · 13/06/2024 09:11

I have a friend, used to be very close, not so close now but still catch up now and again mostly in friend groups. I’ve noticed after spending time with her lately I feel irritable and something doesn’t sit right. She lies/exaggerates and boasts about herself. An example is she got a 3rd class degree (her attendance was poor and she did little work herself) but she tells everyone she got a 2:2. Lately she’s been working as a TA but tells everyone she is a teacher. She tells stories about how she is transforming children’s lives. I’m a teacher and it annoys me. I have never called her out on it, I don’t want to embarrass her. It feels strange and I’m left feeling irritated. I feel horrible because I have these negative feelings towards her. How would you approach this, I probably should try to have empathy as she must have low self esteem but when she starts talking about work (which she does often) I find it difficult to be around her.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpie1 · 13/06/2024 09:31

Why are you enabling her lies OP , if she lies make a joke and call her out.
If you don’t want to maybe it’s time to reevaluate this friendship as it doesn’t sound like you really like her

Neco · 13/06/2024 09:40

You’re right I think I need to distance myself. The issue is probably that I have enabled bad behaviour over the years (not just what’s been mentioned here) and feel resentment. I don’t call her out as I think that’s mean, especially as she has confidence issues - plus she knows in herself she is lying and not being real.

OP posts:
spicysamosahotcupoftea · 13/06/2024 09:42

Why is calling her out on it mean? Is her lying not mean? There's nothing wrong with her degree or her job. Maybe she just needs to hear that.

Neco · 13/06/2024 10:14

That’s very true and I hadn’t thought of it this way before.

OP posts:
Howbizarre22 · 13/06/2024 10:17

Be nice about it. If she starts just announce that she’s a wonderful teaching assistant. You’re calling her out but in a nice way. Ultimately you’re right though, it’s low self esteem and I guess she’s not harming anyone is she.

MonsteraMama · 13/06/2024 10:20

So she's insecure and is lying to big herself up.

If you really care about her address it in private, ask her why she feels the need to lie when she has a fine degree and job, there's nothing at all wrong with being a TA or having a third class degree. But she's obviously not very happy with herself or she wouldn't feel the need to lie.

If you're not that arsed about the friendship, just call her out next time she does it.

Neco · 13/06/2024 10:59

Howbizarre22 · 13/06/2024 10:17

Be nice about it. If she starts just announce that she’s a wonderful teaching assistant. You’re calling her out but in a nice way. Ultimately you’re right though, it’s low self esteem and I guess she’s not harming anyone is she.

That’s a really great suggestion I will say that next time.

Thanks for your replies, it’s helpful.

OP posts:
blablausername · 13/06/2024 13:02

Sometimes it takes an incredibly long time for people to realise that your results of academic achievements and your subsequent job title are far less important than the actual choice to try and educate yourself and the contribution you give to society whatever that may be.

Try to big her up by saying how you agree that all members of staff do a great job, from dinner ladies to head teachers. Show her that you believe that every job has worth.

Welshmonster · 16/06/2024 19:10

Do you have to hang out with her? Just stay away. Sounds like she has her own demons to deal with and calling her out will make you look like the bad guy.

or ask her for tips on how to teach something that she has seen as this will give her a boost and stop the bragging if it can be seen she has value. Also many TA are just being used as cover teachers now as schools can’t afford supply

Meetingofminds · 16/06/2024 19:11

The irritation is coming from biting back the truth. It can be said kindly. Friend I thought you were a TA and you do know we can’t manage without them in schools etc. I think it’s better said in private if you wish to preserve the friendship.

Poddledoddle · 16/06/2024 19:12

Not sure why she's exaggerating. However not sure why your are bothered that she's telling people she got a 2:2 or that she's a teacher. From your description I really thought she was going to be bragging she owned a jag and is Charles and camillas love child. The things she is saying aren't a huge leap, let it go.

Flowersandbubblegum · 16/06/2024 20:32

Are you irritated because you did get those things and in some way you feel undermined that she's not got what you worked hard(er) for?

If you're not close and only catch up in groups, then I'd say just leave it. People usually exaggerate to impress others, they don't feel they measure up. Let her say what she likes if it makes her feel better, it's not really harming anyone.

If she annoys you that much don't go to the next group thing/or sit with other friends if you do.

Calling her out infront of others will just make you look bad, not her. I'm sure your joint friends can see she embellishes her truth.

LlamaLoopy · 16/06/2024 21:28

Exactly - something like ‘oh yes we really appreciate/need the support of/could survive without the teaching assistants in my class’ 😉

SeriaMau · 16/06/2024 21:45

Find a way to humiliate her in public?

anxioussister · 16/06/2024 21:45

Are you very young? I can’t imagine any social situation (apart from perhaps a chat with my 2024 graduating godson) in which degree classification would be a topic of conversation!

agree with PPs that if you’re not seeing her regularly I’d just acknowledge to yourself that it’s irritating - but ultimately it’s not worth spending your energy on getting worked up about.

Hazyjaneishere · 16/06/2024 22:13

What would change for you if you had compassion for her low self esteem? She’s not happy being who she is, that’s clear. So why not learn to see her behaviour in a more compassionate light?

also, maybe you’re being a bit superior? You are a teacher, she’s a TA, you don’t like her saying she’s changing children’s lives? Maybe she is? That’s not something that’s exclusive to teachers.

why wouid you want to call her out? Do you think you’re the only person who can see this about her? Maybe others are more willing to let it go.

EndlessTreadmill · 17/06/2024 00:06

If she is a friend, I wouldn't call her out. I would find it annoying if she made herself out to be better than you.
In this case a 2.2 is still not great, and if she calls herself a teacher, big deal, it doesn't make her sound better than you.
She clearly has issues, and probably a complex where she feels rubbish compared to you - and you humiliating her won't help. She will still have the same issues, and still be very boring if she drones on about work (that's the bigger problem with having her as a friend in my book).
Also - bear in mind she probably isn't fooling most other people either, they probably know she is a TA (and couldn't care less about her degree mark).

EndlessTreadmill · 17/06/2024 00:06

Hazyjaneishere · 16/06/2024 22:13

What would change for you if you had compassion for her low self esteem? She’s not happy being who she is, that’s clear. So why not learn to see her behaviour in a more compassionate light?

also, maybe you’re being a bit superior? You are a teacher, she’s a TA, you don’t like her saying she’s changing children’s lives? Maybe she is? That’s not something that’s exclusive to teachers.

why wouid you want to call her out? Do you think you’re the only person who can see this about her? Maybe others are more willing to let it go.

Exactly this, she said it better than me!:)

Twotimesrhymes · 17/06/2024 00:09

I couldn’t stick it to be honest - I would Larry away from her. A liar is a liar

Wonderfrau · 17/06/2024 00:14

Hopefully she IS transforming children’s lives - isn’t that what most people who work in education hope for? I see nothing wrong with her being proud of what she does, but do understand your frustration at her giving herself an incorrect job title. Those who don’t work in education often have an outdated perception of a TAs role. Some TAs in my school are qualified teachers and many are graduates, with other professional qualifications. They play a significant role in changing children’s lives.

I once had a non-teacher colleague who referred to themselves as a ‘teacher’ to the children they taught. Not entirely sure why, but I think they believed it would command greater respect. I found it equally bizarre, but I know they had a desire to convert their degree and coaching qualifications to QTS? and be paid more for the job they were doing. I never challenged them in front of the children, as it was unnecessary, and they acknowledged they weren’t a qualified teacher in private discussions about their future career path.

It is sometimes confusing, because many TAs now also ‘teach.’ As a teacher, you will know this, so perhaps your desire to gate keep who can claim to be impactful could come across a little superior, although I’m sure that is not your intention.

Maybe she is embarrassed of her degree classification and it just makes her feel a little better? Who asks though?! I’d let that one slide, unless she is falsely stating her qualifications on applications etc.

I get why you are annoyed that she has awarded herself the same job title as you, when her job is very different and the workload is just not comparable. I’d give her a wide birth as she is clearly not your kind of person. I’m guessing her issue is self confidence and you calling her out is not likely to improve this.

LandedSentry · 17/06/2024 00:23

On a one to one basis is she honest and positive eg about you and your life. Or is she attention seeking and draining? If the latter best to keep on distancing yourself IMO. Keep it to group meet ups. I had a friend a bit like this and she was rather me, me, me, and I wished I’d distanced myself earlier really. (She could be fun but she was very self involved.)

If you only really see her in a group situation I’m not sure I’d call her out. Presumably she had some positive qualities at one time that you can cope being in a group with her? I’d leave her with her strange exaggerations and lies performed for others; they’ll probably figure it out eventually. It’s not really your problem.

NorthernLass82 · 17/06/2024 02:36

My brother is like this, it’s really frustrating being in the same room as him. He’s also very much a narcissist. Every conversation i have is draining, as very rarely tells the truth. He even lied to my son about me at Xmas.
Your friend knows you wont speak up, is relying on it when she lies. Either jokingly call her out or carry on the conversation with the correct job title but personally i wouldn’t bother meeting up.

Wishingitwaswinter · 17/06/2024 04:40

Well she is changing lives. I worked in reception and never understood why the teacher got so much praise from the parents .....it was me doing most of the work. No teacher sits with kids and listens to them read. But a T.A does.

Bluecrumble · 17/06/2024 05:23

I have a sister like this. She embellishes or presents things in a way that would lead you to jump to your own conclusions, so using the teacher / TA example she would say something along the lines of “I have a y3 class this year” or “ I just love teaching”. so she’d never actually say she was a teacher but it would be implied and if she was found out later she would make out it was a misunderstanding. It’s really odd and yes I guess it’s a confidence thing but it makes me uncomfortable because knowing the truth I feel complicit in the lies. Usually she lies about little things which makes it seem petty to correct and she would say it was a misunderstanding or that she was joking so now I tend to distance myself from her when she starts going down that route in a conversation but also it makes me not trust / believe her when she is telling me some thing.

it can be hard to get the balance between calling her out and being seen as petty but perhaps a combination of doing so when it’s appropriate, or also excusing yourself and physically walking away when she’s in story mode will help you deal with it.

Beautiful3 · 17/06/2024 07:18

Urgh my sister is like this. Started off small like lying about her job, someone is in love with her, someone told.me they don't like you,.my car only cost £8,000 instead of £16000 etc. I asked her ehybshe lies, she tild me she wanted people to think she's better than what she is. Now in her 50s she tells out right disturbing lies. She's had the police/social workers involved in one of her stories. I'm now no contact and would never speak to her again. When our father dies I'm only going to communicate via emails. So everything she says is recorded and in black and white. If I were you, I'd ask her how come she lied about being a teacher? If she's not embarrassed, shrugs it off and carries on lying, I'd actually stop seeing her. You can't be friends with someone untrustworthy.

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