Friend who boasts

[Neco]

I have a friend, used to be very close, not so close now but still catch up now and again mostly in friend groups. I’ve noticed after spending time with her lately I feel irritable and something doesn’t sit right. She lies/exaggerates and boasts about herself. An example is she got a 3rd class degree (her attendance was poor and she did little work herself) but she tells everyone she got a 2:2. Lately she’s been working as a TA but tells everyone she is a teacher. She tells stories about how she is transforming children’s lives. I’m a teacher and it annoys me. I have never called her out on it, I don’t want to embarrass her. It feels strange and I’m left feeling irritated. I feel horrible because I have these negative feelings towards her. How would you approach this, I probably should try to have empathy as she must have low self esteem but when she starts talking about work (which she does often) I find it difficult to be around her.

how did you keep a straight face when she said she was „transforming children’s lives“ . I’d have died inside for her. I think because most people don’t boast and are self deprecating I find it horribly jarring when people boast. But, as others have said, it comes from insecurity ie no one has ever praised them so they do it themselves.

I would let the friendship fizzle out.

My aunt is like this and it is exhausting because you can’t have a proper conversation.

However, the only person she is harming is herself. People won’t trust her if they find out the truth.

I like the idea of bugging-up her position and asking her if she likes the job woidl
she like to train as a teacher.

That’s an incredibly patronising thing to say. I wouldn’t suggest saying that at all!

I can understand how it would be difficult to maintain a friendship with this kind of person. Reminds me of an aunt who would always boast about her son to my mum. There was nothing to boast about him. She was just living a lie. My mum tried but just couldn’t enjoy her company. These kind of people never change just distance yourself. They aren’t in touch anymore.

I get it - I have a friend who is bookkeeper but calls herself an accountant! It’s annoying, but I would never call her out on it in public or private. However maybe I would feel differently if I were an accountant myself. Couldn’t you just say something positive about teaching assistants when she starts going off on one, just so she knows that you value and appreciate her job and that TAs are important in education just as teachers are? I have noticed that the older more experienced TAs at my sons school all refer to themselves clearly as TAs however several of the younger mum-turned-TA-just-to-keep-an-eye-on-their-own-children-at-school ones refer to themselves as teachers, especially on FB posts.

I get it. I have a friend, who I like very much and get on very well with, but have noticed that in certain circles she loudly announces things that make her look good e.g. expensive trips. I can't put my finger on what bothers me about it but it does annoy the life out of me. Ultimately like the others have said, causes no harm to anyone so while I might privately mention it to my partner about how annoying it is, I draw rhe line there and just accept that for whatever reason that makes her feel good. There's no malice in it.

Appreciate your honest replies, especially as I sound very petty. I’m going to create some distance I think but will keep in mind to give a boost in a positive way if I can.
I have residual anger and resentment towards this friend as she was very boastful about her DCs during a time I had miscarriages and it was painful for many years. One of my other friends noticed this but it’s something she has never acknowledged.
I thought I was okay with things now, but I’m not now that she is talking about her career all the time and exaggerating. I think I’m taking it badly because work was one thing I could really focus on and control during a time I felt out of control. And she’s making out she is doing the same job, one I worked very hard for and felt proud of during a difficult time. It’s my issue, I know. There’s jealousy and resentment there and that’s no good for anyone so will be distancing myself. I don’t like this side of myself and feel horrible for these types of feelings I have.

Don't feel horrible. Your feelings are valid.

She’s a shit friend. Who boasts about their kids when they’re friend is enduring miscarriages?

Distance yourself from her. She’s a liar. But maybe, take secret pleasure from the fact that her lies are borne from a sense of inadequacy.

I can’t for the life of me understand people that say “ this person makes me feel bad feelings and I feel terrible for feeling bad feelings …”

What strikes me is how pathetic her 'boasts' are. I mean, there's a certain (repellent) logic to boasting about earning a bazillion pounds a year, narrowly missing a nomination for the Nobel Prize, or having secured a prestigious job in CERN etc etc -- regardless of whether these are true or not.

But pretending to have got a 2.2 is no pinnacle of intellectual achievement, and pretending to be a teacher (an enormously valuable job, but hardly a glamorous, well-paid or easy one) seems a bit mad, to be honest.

I had this friend for years. Funny in one way but it did grate. It was weird and quite sad to be honest.

She was competitive about such pointless stuff. Sometimes she really embarrassed herself when she'd put her foot in it with the wrong person who would turn out to be on the board of a company she was pretending to be part of the senior management team (this is only one example).

Her lies would go all the way back to school days, sporting achievements, legendary pranks etc.

She's not an ex friend because I think she is bad. I find these days I have so little free time I'm reluctant to spend it with someone who is mainly talking utter crap. Yes it's rooted in insecurity. But she can afford therapy.

I can’t see how this is any of your business.
Have you been noting down her saying in a special notebook over the years?

The only irritating thing is that you want to not only fill your head with something that doesn’t concern you, but to post about the doings of a troubled woman who hasn’t harmed you, speaks to a maladaptive personality style.
What exact real world difference does it make to you?

It’s women like you who give women the bad stereotypes we have to endure by being the epitome of petty, catty, jealous, air-headed.

Do try to avoid becoming a negative stereotype - so tedious and unimaginative.
Find better ways to use up your mental energy, possibly in ways that positively impact your own life.

I miss the old days of Mumsnet when we had posts with some substance.

Would your time be better spent on things that are actually good for your own life?

Well you’re a delight.

I don’t think it’s boasting so much as fudging details because she’s embarrassed by the truth.

She’s embarrassed about having a 3rd class degree.

She’s insecure about the status of her job.

Yes, it’s irksome for someone to take credit for something they didn’t actually achieve, but claiming you got a 2:2 is hardly boasting (this is also not a particularly illustrious degree class, although perfectly respectable).

The teaching claims I can appreciate are annoying as you are a teacher, did the education and training and am sure are acutely aware of the difference!

It’s pretty lame of her, but is obviously driven by insecurity over her level of achievement.

I wondered this – my degree class has literally never once come up in conversation, and that includes job interviews.

I had a friend like this, literally everything she said was a lie. She would be caught out because she would tell one friend, one story, then another friend another story, but in the presence of who she had already told and it was always ‘that’s not what you told me…’ it was so embarrassing. She used to lie about serious things like being spiked on a night out.. but tell a different story to someone else. Very strange. We aren’t friends any more, she’s had 2 kids and married so I’m hoping she’s grown up a bit.

Untrue, I’m a reception teacher and regularly hear the children read.

IMO your feelings are understandable. Firstly she is lying to you and secondly she wants you to believe that she is something that she is not.

I’ve a friend who exaggerates/lies about her social life ie talks endlessly about all her ‘friends’ but the truth is she is not half as busy socially as she wants people to think she is. About a year ago I changed jobs and was able to reduce the amount of contact I have with her and its worked for me.

I worked in reception and never understood why the teacher got so much praise from the parents .....it was me doing most of the work. No teacher sits with kids and listens to them read. But a T.A does.

I’m sure the class teacher would have been thrilled to hear that you were working so much harder than her.

If you call her out i hope you don't do it in public.

Outright lying to you when she knows you know the truth is just bizarre behaviour. I would say some sort of severe issues going on . If it was a close friend then I would be speaking with their family about this to see how we could help her. If not a close friend then I wohld distance myself so as not to get mixed up and dragged down into whatever is going on here.

id call her out. She’ll never learn otherwise. She is also a TA and would tell everyone she’s a teacher. She doesn’t have any qualifications other that level 3 in childcare, but tells everyone she has a child development degree. She told everyone she was leaving to train to be a midwife, but it was actually her sister. She would pass confidential information over to parents to make herself look important. She told a group of us her mothers house was being sold for 600K yet my friends mum lived next door, house bigger, extra rooms etc and her mums was only worth 400k, then we saw it up for sale at 375k… honestly, call her out on it! Hate liars!

would you consider working on your emotional intelligence, that’s quite helpful in understanding the views and feelings of others.