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Original poster

POLL - Toxic Parents, don't like them? Have broken contact? Do you grieve for them?

30 replies

ally90 · 07/04/2008 20:37

So...

If you have toxic parents AND you never actually liked them.

Do you miss them?

And most importantly, have you grieved over them ie birthdays/xmas etc not being around for your babies etc...

I would also be interested if they still wanted contact with you.

TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
ally90 · 08/04/2008 09:50

Just me then.........

OP posts:
maidamess · 08/04/2008 09:54

Whilst I wouldn't describe my parents as 'toxic' they had a lot of their own issues and weren't really 'connected' to us as children.

This has hung over me like a cloud throughout most of my adult life until last Christmas when I emailed them and told them exactly what I thought. It went down like a lead balloon, and things went quiet and a bit formal for a while...but now we have a much better relationship and I feel closer and more importantly I have forgiven them.

They did the best they could do.

How do you define a toxic parent ?

Enid · 08/04/2008 09:56

I had a terrible relationship with my parents and had counselling for many years. they were truly 'toxic' and violent

however, one of the things in my life of which I am most proud is how we are slowly finding a new way to have a relationship and things have improved a lot.

My advice would always be to try and forgive.

Phono · 08/04/2008 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ALMummy · 08/04/2008 09:59

I am actually back in contact with mine now with stringent rules in place. I have been out of contact with them for various periods over the past 18 years - the longest being 3 years.

During the three year period I didnt care about being in contact with them - was a very healing time for me at the risk of sounding all new age and hippyish.

Other times I have cared alot and it has often been on my mind and yes I always thought about them on birthdays, christmas etc. As far as my DC were concerned though, when I saw my parents beginning to treat them the way they had treated me thats when I became stronger and more consistent and put a stop to it, although I did worry (ALOT) that I was depriving my children of their grandparents.

It has usually been my parents who got back in contact with me.

What about you?

maisemor · 08/04/2008 10:04

Don't miss them.
Have not grieved about them not being around on "special" days.
They have made absolutely no effort to get in contact with me or my children.

meemar · 08/04/2008 10:08

My dad was distant (although physically present) throughout my childhood. When he and my mum split in my 20's he cut all ties with us and I haven't spoken to him in about 9 years.

He has never met my boys (although my mum wrote to him when DS1 was born).

I don't miss him or grieve for him, though when I see what a good dad DH is, sometimes I miss what I never had iyswim.

If he wanted to get in touch again, I would always be open to it.

Phono · 08/04/2008 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

KaySamuels · 08/04/2008 10:08

I have cut all contact with my dad, and could never be in contact with him again for lots of very viable reasons, but I grieve having a dad there for me. Not esp my particular dad, but just wish I had had a dad I could trust and rely on.

I find christmas father's day etc help in a weird way as I see what a fantastic bond DP has with his dcs (including our ds), and know that my dad was way too toxic and that I am better off without this person in my life.

MorocconOil · 08/04/2008 10:10

ALMummy, you have just made me aware of why I am currently distancing myself from my parents. My DC are now at the age I was when I became aware of all the negativity from my parents. At christmas I heard my Mum talking to my DC the way she must have spoken to me, and I had a sudden urge of uncontrollable fury. She was telling them off(within 5 minutes of us getting there) and when I told her to stop she claimed she was backing me up.

Since then I have seen her once. I feel sad about it, but in a funny way a sense of relief and less wound up.

I know to move on more I need to seek a good counsellor.

duke748 · 08/04/2008 10:10

Miss what they could (or should) have been but don't miss them per se if that makes sense.

Still have lots of guilt about not being in contact, and a whole load of other stuff to do with them. And yes, I know that that doesn't make sense, but that's how I feel.

Also, sometimes have feelings of 'its not fair, why does everyone else have a supportive Dad, a Mum they can confide in' etc but that's life isn't it!?

Phono · 08/04/2008 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PinkTulips · 08/04/2008 10:14

my mother is a toxic b*$%@ of the highest order.... have posted about her on MN before and although i moved out of home at 17 to get away from her i still have alot of contact. i'm an only child and i do love my dad (although i am angry that it's only since i moved out of home and he's gotten the brunt of her craziness that he's really aknowledged that i wasn't the cause of it all).

i have no other family and i do think it's imporatant for the kids to have contact with them (in small doses!)

Twinkie1 · 08/04/2008 10:14

No I don't grieve for them - I breathe a huge sigh of relief that I don't have to pander to their ideals anymore and put up with the shit I got from siblings!

I do wonder sometimes if I will be sad when my father dies but to be honest I am not sure I will - he has never contributed anything positive to my life and so I have no good memories of him to make me feel sad!

gawkygirl · 08/04/2008 10:17

Like others, I don't grieve for them but occaisionally grieve for what should have been.

Beelliesebub · 08/04/2008 10:20

I made the decision when I was 19 not to have any further contact with my 'Toxic' mother and I'm now 41...
I've never grieved for her, I've questioned whether I did the right thing on perhaps three occasions in 22 years and I have occasionally felt guilty for denying my children a grandmother. I don't even dislike her, I would say I'm just indifferent to her.

ALMummy · 08/04/2008 10:25

mimizan, my mum was very violent to me growing up and just an utter tw*t to be honest in so many ways. I have always been treated as the black sheep and joke of the family, always there to be poked fun at or made to feel stupid and while my Mum was and I am sure would not be violent to my kids, the face pulling and criticism was starting.

She told other members of my family that I had no rules for my kids that they were running wild etc because I wouldnt slap or shout at them. They refused point blank to move anything in their home to accommodate the kids being there and when the kids touched stuff or made a mess it was a massive big deal and I was sitting there feeling scared and nervous constantly exactly as I had when I was a kid. In the end my Dad shouted at my son and then at me because DS had touched the fax machine (He as 1 YO FFS) and that was it. I told them everything I thought of them and stopped contact. It did not work straight away though. I went back for a visit a year later and they tried to be the same way so I kept away for another 18 months.

Sorry Ally90 I did not mean to hijack your thread. I usually keep away from Toxic parent threads because I do tend to go on and on and on.

VictorianSqualor · 08/04/2008 10:26

Oh Gosh no, I don't grieve for that bitch.

She does still want contact with me, she has contacted my ex's sister on a family tree site when my daughters name matched.

MorocconOil · 08/04/2008 10:35

ALmummy,That is shocking and it is totally understandable why you don't want to go anymore.

My DC pick up on the tension and behave worse around my family, then I feel judged negatively etc etc. It's a vicious cycle and I don't know how to break it except from breaking contact. Somehow that seems the wrong thing to do, as part of me is desperate to 'belong' still. Don't know if that makes any sense.

Sorry Ally for hijack but I have found this thread very enlightening and just needed to ask more questions from others experiencing similiar issues.

MissChief · 08/04/2008 11:03

yours confused and v over here. Finally told my mother on the phone last week what I thought of her uncaring attitude and superficial questions. This 2 decades on from my very troubling teens during which she was cold as well as verbally and occasionally physically abusive towards me. I therefore have v low tolerance for "so how are you, Misschief?" and without pausing for a breath (or to listen to my answer)launchinginto their plans for the day. This is after I'd admitted to her for the first time that I@m battling depression atm and for the first time have admitted it to myself/my gP and have sought help and finally been signed off so that I can try to deal with it. She has asked me not a thing about it.
I don't think she understands where I'm coming from in terms of the context of long ago, but her treatment of me has stayed with me all these yrs and chipped away at my self-esteem. I therefore find it hard to adopt the role she has assigned me of dutiful daughter, mother of her grandchildren ahd one to be visited and to visit on occasion but never to be treated as an equal or to discuss the past with. I have tried, calmly, to confront her about this (as has dh even) and she said she "would never talk about it and that they accepted the little i had to give and expected nothing more" . I now realise what an appalling attitude that is to have towards yr own daughter. In her world, no-one makes mistakes (or at least, nver admits them), no-one changes.
HOwever, I truly feel that for me, the only way to move on is eventually to forgive, as others have said on here. Otherwise my own life will remain toxic forever. I've read much of the "Toxic Parents" book, much of it rings true for me but I can't wholly identify with this outlook as it's so corrosive, even the very term is. I guess at the time, my parents tried their best, my mother's abuse probably stems from her treatment at the hands of her own parents and also coincides with a long episode of depression she had (for which I'm sure she never sought treatment).
Wow, this has been long, and also cathartic.

MissChief · 08/04/2008 11:45

whoops, well my outpourings killed the thread!
In short, to answer the OP,
a)indeed, I don't much like them (cna't help loving them tho, at least dad, it's mum's respect I want)
b) just broken contact with them, don't see it being longterm tho for me might be healthier that way, just not sure i can live like that
c) yes, I grieve

PurpleOne · 08/04/2008 11:57

Like all other posters here, my situ is exactly the same.

Mum with her uncaring attitude, only thinking of herself.
Dad slagging anyone and everyone off if they dare ever vex him. Using me for cover and saying shit things to the DC's.

It all blew up last year when I plain and simply asked my mum not to smoke in my house and she disrespected my wishes. Haven't spoke to her since, although Dad kept ringing up the DC's behind my back.
Sent them a lovely email at xmas, blew dad's cover and not heard anything since then.

I don't like them. I don't think I even love them anymore.
Not had any contact with them for 8 months now and I don't miss them.
I don't even grieve for them, although I feel sad for my DC's not having any contact...especially as other set of grandparents have just emigrated as well.

ALMummy · 08/04/2008 11:57

Well if yours did then so did mine MissChief . I know it is a poll but with answers are going to come reasons for them and I hope it is ok to put them here.

maisemor · 08/04/2008 12:02

ally90 will defininately not mind the reasons behind the answers.
ally90 is very nice and very helpful .

MorocconOil · 08/04/2008 12:15

I'm finding it incredibly helpful and supportive to hear other people's 'outpourings'.

It's such a relief to find these feelings I have towards my family are felt by others and I'm not 'crazy' or 'irrational'.

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