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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

POLL - Toxic Parents, don't like them? Have broken contact? Do you grieve for them?

30 replies

ally90 · 07/04/2008 20:37

So...

If you have toxic parents AND you never actually liked them.

Do you miss them?

And most importantly, have you grieved over them ie birthdays/xmas etc not being around for your babies etc...

I would also be interested if they still wanted contact with you.

TIA

OP posts:
GentleOtter · 08/04/2008 12:28

It just dawned on me a few years ago that my parents were not particularly good to us( frequent severe beatings,'good cop bad cop stuff' being punished by God if you hurt yourself) and then a while after that to 'allow' myself this realisation without the guilt.
Truthfully, special occasions could become massively stressful as I started to look for signs on what was expected eg the whole bloody birthday cake routine, the tired old cliches, the waiting on them hand and foot crap, the insults that were meant to be funny but just eroded your confidence completely.
No, I don't grieve although very infrequently I might think about how things should have been.

ally90 · 08/04/2008 14:41

You know I didn't even bother to check this thread as I thought it had died a death as many of my threads do.... anyway...thank you all for your posts...[amazed and pleased emotion]

Outpourings are fine do a few myself...you can all go onto the stately homes thread y'know... are some of you the lurkers per chance

Maidamess - my definition is an abusive/neglectful parent. And does not acknowledge the fact/do anything to change it.

Forgiveness has been mentioned a couple of times...I do not feel, personally, that some things are forgivable and should not be forgotten ie brushed under carpet. The way my family treated me, I feel is not forgivable. What I can do is understand that they had a bad childhood too, and even though in many ways they tried their best, that was not good enough for me. Taking me to stately homes does not make up for my sister and my mother bullying me and my father consistantly turning a blind eye to it all. If they try to understand why their behaviour was hurtful (would not take a rocket scientist...bullying hurts!) and acknowledge how I must have felt/feel there may be a way forward. But even then I just don't trust them anymore. I don't think I ever will trust them again.

See I'm outpouring now...

As for being crazy and irrational ever felt like the sane person in a mad house? or the other way round at times...

Please carry on posting if you want too...its a free for all now I have my answers and I too am trying to hide my MN addiction from dh [peers over shoulder]

hi maisemor glad your doing so well, other thread moves so fast I miss commenting on posts

OP posts:
Fullmoonfiend · 12/04/2008 12:41

aggh, currently grieving a little as we speak -
my situation is here

bruces · 12/04/2008 13:01

both my parents were rubbish,my mum use to drink all the time,and my dad would gamble away anything that wasn't nailed down.
i went for counciling when i was in my 20's and it really helped,when my mum was dying of cancer 6years ago went back to try and help me prepare for the fact that i would never have the "mother daughter"relationship i wanted,and it really helped me face the loss to come,when my dad died two years ago i was strong enough to say to my siblings that i wasn't going to his funeral,they were very supportive and didnt try to change my mind. it's very hard but what my counsellor said was iI was the child and it was there job to love,support and nuture me,all which i'm afraid to say they failed miserably.I have a fantastic husband and 3 gorgeous children and i make it a rule to tell my children every day I love them and at least 1 positive thing about themselves,keep talking to people it really helps and unfourtunately your not alone with your suffering,but sometimes you can be lucky enough to have a fairly happy ending.

wooga · 12/04/2008 13:21

My Dad is toxic,fortunately he lives far away now.

He came down to see me after hearing that I was breaking up with exh and tried to interfere.

I let him stay at my house-despite my instincts screaming at me not to- because I'd found out he was very ill-cancer.

I was dreading being alone with him-kept kids up later to avoid being with him.

He'd started drinking at a meal out earlier and I knew he'd start getting bitter and nasty.

He told me that I'd go out one night,meet a man,take him to my bed,and then get pregnant and be stuck with him-all in that sneering,superior voice he uses.

That's what my father thinks of me.

I stood up to him for once-told him about stuff he'd done in the past and he said I'd imagined it all.

Glad I confronted him though.

I went in my dc's room and slept on their floor to feel 'safe'-crying my heart out-never felt so low and alone as I did that night.

I never answer my phone,make sure it's not him first by 1471.

I found out recently that my sister is going in counselling(sp?)for five years because of stuff from the past-a lot to do with my father.

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