If you were having marriage issues…

[Tiredofthis888]

Would you spend more time out of the house instead of showing a willingness to try?
I feel like a single parent at the best of times, but since we’re going through a rough patch DH spends more and more time out of the house.
he’s golfed every weekend since the kids were little so 10+ years. For context, he’s out for 8+ hours every Saturday. Regardless of what I have going on, he won’t sacrifice. For example, I get my hair dyed once a year. I have to organise to take the kids to my dads etc.
now since things have been rough, he’s golfing on either a Wednesday or Thursday night. Tonight and the 2 previous Wednesdays he’s got home between 9-10pm.
is it unreasonable to be annoyed at this? I go to exercising twice a week for an hour each time but that’s it. On the odd occasion I have something planned.

He's taking the piss and it sounds like he's checked out of the marriage completely.

Yep, I avoided time with STBEH and would go out shopping or with the dog or be in the garden or upstairs. I needed time to think and he had his head in the sand. This didn't go on for long though and then I talked to him.

Ditto

Out 8 hrs on Saturday - that alone is a massive warning sign and then not helping with DC

You need to be strong - seek support from family and do the right thing

Why have you let it go on 10 years ? This should have been addressed years ago. You arnt a single mum there are 2 of you and spose to be sharing raising the children. Assuming you don't go out all day on Sunday this is completely unfair You should be doing family things at the weekend together. I do think though you've let it go on way too long

Ooft, that sounds like he’s checked out of your marriage to me op, sorry. And are you sure he’s golfing on all those occasions?

He’s saying I’m the one who’s checked out and he wants peace, I want war but I feel like he just pushes me away and that’s why we’ve ended up like this. When the kids were little, he did boxing as well as golf. I only started exercising about 1.5 years ago. All I would get from him is well you get your own hobby.
we both work full time but I’m the default parent. If I want to do anything, I have to organise every detail, he just does what he wants, when he wants.

Oh I don't know. My DH and I are having problems and I am trying to encourage him to go out more and also to go out more myself (often with the kids). It is heavy going being in the house together,either silently or sniping. We all need a bit of joy in our lives.

Only my own perspective though; I'm not sure I'd be sold on a golf husband.

He is lying to you to discombobulate you so you shut up.

Ideally, what do you want - have you sat down alone and had a long chat and if you have, what was agreed?

Is it worth carrying on you need to ask yourself!!

this doesn’t sound good. Sounds like he is living life as a single man and is only interested in pleasing himself and not bothered about anyone else

clearly sees you as a nanny, cook, cleaner and whatever else you do for him

are you financially independent?

why do you only dye your hair once a year? Financial reasons? Or simply because he won’t stay home

Who knows, he has a lot more spare time than I do, that’s for sure.

I think I know that we need to go our separate ways but it’s so so hard with the kids isn’t it. Currently, my DD who’s 7 is in my bed and he’s in hers.

once you separate then he will surely have overnights with the kids and give you a break

I’m sorry to say it but you have been a complete walkover

It’s always been like that. I was a SAHM but then worked full time from my DD being about 3/4 and he expected the same from me. This caused a lot of issues. He got slightly better but the absolute bare minimum. I earn a good salary working in a school. Most of the money in the house is my inheritance but I wouldn’t be able to buy him out and it knocks me sick that I have to give him half.

I only need it dying once a year fortunately but it would also be too much hassle to do it anymore frequently!

Lying about what?

That you have checked out and you want war.

ProjectIon...

From what I can see, he wants out just as bad. He’s just coming through the door this minute. I’m already in bed so won’t even speak to him tonight.

I understand
He needs to share his duties but I doubt he will

As in any split, kids lose

how long have you tow had problems like this??

Would he actually take half of the house? Eurghhh how could you be so foolish 😭😭 is it worth a lot of money?

You should check with a lawyer about the inheritance side as you never know! Tell him you will leave his pension alone or forgo child maintenance

Does he contribute well financially?

I believe you could have ring fenced that inheritance by using a trust

You're already a lone parent, OP, become a single lone parent so that you don't have to carry the dead weight of another adult human.

Personally I would leave, but i get that’s easier said than done. If he’s out all day on a Saturday could you not stay out all day on a Sunday? Then take an evening to yourself during the week to make up for his Wednesday golf session?

I can manage all the bills on my own I have had to do this previously as DH is self employed. Normally, he earns a decent salary. There is £100k of my inheritance in the house. I have a good pension, he doesn’t. From what I’ve read, even if he says he doesn’t want the inheritance, courts can push back. He is definitely deflecting and making me out to be petty as we’ve argued about a lot of different things lately but I think ultimately, the kids are getting older and I am tired of being a doormat. I would not go out for a full day on Sunday as I actually enjoy spending time with the kids and I’ve always had that opinion. He missed out on a lot of their childhood, I didn’t and I will always be glad of that.

Make an appointment to see a family solicitor. No need for him to know. As the kids are young, and presumably he won’t actually want the kids 50% of the time as it’ll affect his socialising , you’ll find you get more than 50%.