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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Year into relationship, very complicated

30 replies

Oli22 · 12/06/2024 17:13

Me and my partner. Have been together for a year. I told him I would like to wait a year before the kids being involved as you can’t truly no someone for a while, I understand that’s a long time. It’s just what I felt best for my children. So on the days I don’t have them I see him every minute of my free time. I suffer with anxiety and depressive disorder and some of my own time is so essential to me. So on a Tuesday after my children have gone to bed (as the other days I see him or I’m here there and everywhere taking my children to clubs and not getting back til late) is my only couple of hours that I get to myself. We see each other 2/3 days a week. He said there’s been no progression in that. A month ago I introduced him to my children and I was planning on meeting his too last week when they got back off holiday. His argument now is that going forward everything will be too slow for him, as I think days out a few times when we all meet and gradually adding a day where he comes through the chaos of my week with the kids is the right thing to do. Baring in mind my eldest son is autistic. So change can’t be sudden. I’m just wondering peoples thoughts. He has been so patient the past year. I told him in hindsight I should have done the Tuesday and let him come around after the boys have been to bed. But I believe that would be giving up on some time that I need myself. Sorry. Big rant. First time here 🫣😂

OP posts:
Blendeddogs · 12/06/2024 17:16

I have a new partner - he lives in his house and I live in mine. I have met his son (adult) and he has met mine.

I see him when I want 1-2 times a week - he normally comes to mine or I go to his - I do not spend all my free time with him 🤷‍♀️he sounds like hard work 😓

Peacelily001 · 12/06/2024 17:24

I think you’re being very wise OP.
You are putting your kids first and being a good mum.
He should understand and respect that, not pressurise you into doing things at his pace.

bergamotorange · 12/06/2024 17:28

He is pressuring you. I'd tell him to either accept your boundaries or call it a day.

Oli22 · 12/06/2024 17:42

Thank you. His argument is. We see each other just as much now as we did when we first got together. I have felt like I’ve been really wrong in the whole thing. Thank you ☺️

OP posts:
tattychicken · 12/06/2024 17:43

Why is he being so pushy? Had he got his own place or is he keen to move into yours? Be very careful. You are being entirely sensible, a year isn't long at all when children are involved, especially when one is autistic.

Oli22 · 12/06/2024 17:52

He’s living at his mums since him and his ex broke up x

OP posts:
beergiggles · 12/06/2024 17:58

Oli22 · 12/06/2024 17:52

He’s living at his mums since him and his ex broke up x

This explains everything!
He wants to get his feet under your table ASAP.

Whatonearth07957 · 12/06/2024 17:58

His mum's getting fed up with him...

beergiggles · 12/06/2024 17:59

Whatonearth07957 · 12/06/2024 17:58

His mum's getting fed up with him...

Yes, he wants YOU to be his new mummy @Oli22

Mabelface · 12/06/2024 17:59

Go at the pace you and your children are comfortable with. If he can't deal with that, than he knows where the door is. I'm with you and don't want to be joined at the hip with somebody. Keep that day of yours to decompress. It's important.

LightSpeeds · 12/06/2024 18:00

Oli22 · 12/06/2024 17:52

He’s living at his mums since him and his ex broke up x

Yeah. He's got an agenda.

beergiggles · 12/06/2024 18:09

He's a wannabe cocklodger OP.
In other words he wants free bed and board in return from providing you with sexual pleasure. Once he's moved in he'll stop bothering with sex, it'll be just a quickie ("ooops, sorry I promise I'll last longer next time") or straight to jerking off with porn.
He'll also be pushing to move his children in, whereupon he will make sure they have priority over your children.

ManchesterGirl2 · 12/06/2024 18:34

You sound very sensible. He sees "progression" as the solution to his living situation. He ought to sort his own life out, not rely on you doing it for him, at the cost of your own space and your children's.

Ingens · 12/06/2024 18:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TwilightSkies · 12/06/2024 18:37

He’s living at his mums since him and his ex broke up x

Nobody falls in love faster than a man that needs somewhere to live!

arethereanyleftatall · 12/06/2024 18:38

Oli22 · 12/06/2024 17:52

He’s living at his mums since him and his ex broke up x

Oh op...your boundaries are absolutely fine and sensible. so IF he pushes this, it will tell you what you need to know. Does he actually like 'you', or does he need somewhere to live.

Fathomless · 12/06/2024 19:01

don't let him move in, and you need more time to yourself. he sounds suffocating

Opentooffers · 12/06/2024 19:02

If 2/3 x weekly is the same as at the start, your problem is you were too frequent and full on at the start given that you are both parents. I'd expect once a week to begin with, moving to twice as things progress, any more is a bit much as a parent. More than that is too demanding and not recognising you have a busy life.
Don't bow to the pressure, up to him to take or leave it.

Oli22 · 12/06/2024 19:29

Yeah I admitted to him that I would have rather have done once a week from the start. But I went at his pace then. I shouldn’t have. Thank you ☺️

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 12/06/2024 19:33

I am also the type who sees a BF once or twice a week in the first 2 years, I need time to myself too, if he doesn't understand that he can get another GF.
Oh and don't let him move in for a good few years, you can have a happy, fulfilling relationship living separately you know.

Shiningout · 12/06/2024 19:54

I've been with my bloke for 18 months, we live 6 hours apart aswell so only see. Eachother once every couple of weeks although that's normally for a few days. I have a child and therefore won't be moving in with him for the time being. It's putting my child first and that's just how it is

Oli22 · 12/06/2024 19:59

This is how I would have wanted it to go. I wanted everything to flow naturally and when the time was right for us both we make next steps. Things just seemed like he needed a timeline and to know when and what was going to happen all time before we had even reached that milestone

OP posts:
Nouvellenovel · 12/06/2024 20:00

Oli22 · 12/06/2024 19:59

This is how I would have wanted it to go. I wanted everything to flow naturally and when the time was right for us both we make next steps. Things just seemed like he needed a timeline and to know when and what was going to happen all time before we had even reached that milestone

He needed a timeline for his mum and his ex.
It was never about you. Sorry.

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 12/06/2024 20:04

What do you mean he's been patient for a year? He's no need to be patient, because you aren't holding anything back or delaying anything. If he wants to be with you he needs to be satisfied with 2/3 days a week for the time being. He either wants you under the circumstances you're available or he doesn't get you at all. I hate pushy men, especially where children are involved.

Fathomless · 12/06/2024 21:29

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 12/06/2024 20:04

What do you mean he's been patient for a year? He's no need to be patient, because you aren't holding anything back or delaying anything. If he wants to be with you he needs to be satisfied with 2/3 days a week for the time being. He either wants you under the circumstances you're available or he doesn't get you at all. I hate pushy men, especially where children are involved.

In his mind he has an end goal of moving in with the op so he has been patient according to him. Beware @Oli22 . you have an ND child/ren, I wouldn't be disrupting their lives for anyone. This man is a not a good one