DH low sex drive, gay, or both?

[Drgrundy]

I have been with DH for 20 years. Since the children were born, 15 years ago, our sex life has been pretty much non-existent (maybe a couple of times a year, on weekends away, instigated by me). There is virtually no other physical intimacy. Before then, sex was ok (although I was always more bothered) and there was a lot of cuddling, holding hands etc. MIL has told me, in amongst the other issues with her marriage to DH’s father, that ‘there was no sex after the children were born’ so this could be a learned or inherited pattern.

I’ve always just assumed he has a low sex drive, and that as some women go off it after having kids, so do some men. However. We’ve recently become friends with a gay couple and have spent 3 evenings with them over the last 18 months. The first meeting, I felt a bit excluded from the conversation by my husband, as in, he was more interested in them than me. Not really an issue. He’s fairly unsociable and works from home so I am pleased when he clicks with others. The second time was similar. The last time, a week ago, I felt sure he was flirting with one of them. Not in an outrageous way - I just got the spidey sense something was there.

We have an otherwise good marriage and I’m keen to stay in it. I am massively struggling with the lack of intimacy though. Does anyone have any insight into what might be going on with him, or the likelihood he might be attracted to men? Other relevant fact: we met when he was 27 and although he had had sex with a couple of other women I was essentially his first girlfriend.

Have you tried talking to him about the lack of sex or does it not bother you?

I don't think you learn pattens relating to sex from your parents (least not in a healthy and safe home that is). Could be possible he have a low sex drive - which might be a genetic thing. When you were first together he felt interested but now it's
plateaued.

As for being gay, also possible of course and on top of a low sex drive it just maybe that he's not met a man who he fancies enough to ignite a spark in him.

Ultimately, you won't get answers unless you talk to him. And even then you might not get a answer - especially if he's not bothered so hasn't questioned the situation because he thinks you both were happy with the status quo.

Obviously none of us can know but imo people don't have a low sex drive <barring illness or, say post partum> they just aren't sexually attracted to their partners, sorry if that sounds harsh. The fact that he clicks socially with gay men could of course be a red herring but it also might be an indication of where his attraction lies.

You just have to talk to him. Say the lack of intimacy is a huge problem, you feel rejected and it's knocking your confidence. So he either tries to address it and explain how to reconnect physically, maybe he whas a hidden kink he wants to share and explore, or you have an open relationship or split.

Life is too short.

It sounds like you're dealing with some tough stuff in your marriage, especially with the lack of intimacy and now these new feelings about your husband possibly being attracted to men. Have a heart-to-heart with him about how you're feeling and what you've noticed. It might be that he's figuring out his own sexual orientation or just has some hang-ups about sex after kids, maybe learned from his parents. Counseling could really help both of you sort through this. Try to reconnect with small acts of affection like hugging or holding hands, and make sure you both have fulfilling activities outside the relationship. Think about what you need to be happy and lean on friends or support groups to help you through. Communication and understanding are key here.

So he doesn’t want sex with you. But he is interested in others - and they happen to be men. Whether or not that ends up being consummated, do you need to rethink your relationship? You seemed to not be so bothered about the lack of intimacy, as otherwise you’re happy, so the question then is whether you’re okay with him having those feelings for someone else. And whether your own sex drive could be satisfied by someone else.

I’ve recently realised it bothers me a lot, although I’ve done reasonably well repressing that while the DCs have been young. And we have talked about it over the years. He’s said he’s depressed etc (this is a recurring issue), and asked me if I wanted to leave. No real answers. I probably do need to talk to him again but don’t really know how to start the conversation. If he did have feelings for men I’d kind of be ok with that, as in, would be prepared to stay married if that’s what he wanted to, and maybe be open. There are risks with that though, and I’m not sure it’s what he would want.

How did you meet this gay couple?

I think you will need to open up a conversation or things are unlikely to change.
Maybe start by telling him you miss being intimate and ask him if there's a reason he isn't interested any more. You did have an OK sex life before so somethings happened to change it.
Re the gay couple, again it's hard guess without a conversation, but you know your DH so if it's out of character then it's a possibility.

We met them through my work. The connection was with my friend’s husband.

Just be to the point 'look we don't have sex, I feel rejected it is making me unhappy can you explain if you find me physically unattractive and if so what turns you on, is it men?'

I'd avoid a lengthy build up, men have low attention spans and he'll soon tune out and avoid any explanations.

You should feel loved, valued and listened to. Good luck.

I'd guess gay.

Can you search his phone/pc for gay porn/ hook up sites etc?

Yes have a snoop. Invading privacy of course frowned upon by some but so is neglecting your partner and making them question everything.

I'm not being funny, but do you really believe no people have low sex drives?!? Sex drive varies massively, yes it is to do with attraction, but still the baseline is completely different for everyone! Mine is very high. someone else's might be very low. In fact I have friends who have always had a low drive.

Agree that you need to talk to him.

'I'm not being funny, but do you really believe no people have low sex drives?!? Sex drive varies massively, '

Varied, yes, but these long term sexless relationships where one person rejects the other and says 'they have a low sex drive', no. They just don't find them sexually attractive <sorry op>.

Seems a bit of a leap from acknowledging he was enjoying the company of these fellas, to suspecting he may find them sexually attractive!

As for "flirting" with them, maybe he felt like one of the fellas fancied him (probably misguided) but perhaps it awoke something in him, he bounced off their energy and it came across to you as sexual attraction.
I highly doubt he's suddenly fancying male relations. Perhaps show him some attention, make him feel good, take him by surprise and show him a good time in the bedroom.

@ducktapez i have tried surprising him - it ended in rejection. He needs to know it’s happening in advance or according to rules which are ‘children are away, nothing urgent needs doing round the house, eg sink unblocking… etc.’ and then it’s always exactly the same, almost like we both want to get it over with. I simply don’t trust that he wants to sleep with me. I think when it happens he’s doing it because he thinks it’s what I want, which is nice in one way but makes it worse in another. It’s this that I need to talk to him about.

I agree about the potential connection with gay friend not necessarily being sexual attraction. I guess it’s why I asked the question of others - to see whether other people had had a similar experience (either themselves or their partners) and how far off the mark I might be.

I think men can get drawn to each other for various reasons, my very masculine hetro ex used to get 'man crushes' on guys, usually over a shared interest or skill they had that he admired, but he was in no way gay. And we've all heard about 'bromances.' So it may just have been something like that? The 'flirting' is a bit suspicious though.

I find this quite insulting. When I was on the pill my libido took a huge hit and I had zero sex drive, I still found DH very attractive but the desire for sex was non existent. There are many reasons for a low sex drive, depression/trauma/hormones, and reducing these to just not being sexually attracted to your partner is really damaging.

OP if your husband is depressed is he getting any help?. Nobody owes anyone sex but equally nobody has to stay in a sexless relationship and if your DH is making no effort to get help for his lack of sex drive then he is being extremely unfair. I think a discussion is needed and if he doesn’t give you the answers you want or doesn’t try and get help then it’s up to you to decide if you can continue this way. I really feel for you, it is horrible.

It's unusual you have tried and he's rejected you. Us men are taught never to reject sexual advances from our spouse as its just wrong. Its ok for females to reject their males (ive got a headache etc) but never vice versa.

Totally disagree that little sex means you don't find the other not attractive or vice versa. Everyone is different, meds can also mess things up. You can have a very loving,warm,fun, marriage without sex every week

This is one understanding lady. You'd be prepared to let your fella engage in sexual relations with other men to keep your marriage going? Did I read that right?

Sounds remarkably like me and my exH who did turn out to be gay .

Asexual or gay, the consequences for you are the same, the way I look at it.

Sex only twice a year, only instigated by you, is VERY unusual. I guess you either accept that or you don’t. Simples really.

@Treestumpp that made me laugh! In practice it might not work, but our marriage is otherwise good. We share values, enjoy the same things and each other’s company. I’ve assumed for years that he has not been into me sexually, so in a way it would be a relief to know that there is a reason for that.

@blackcherryconserve would be interested to know more about your experience. DH isn’t homophobic and didn’t come from a homophobic home (to my knowledge) so not sure why he’d repress it, but when we got together it was just after his dad had died and we knew from the start that we wanted to have kids together, so perhaps that could be a driver.

@Drgrundy its breaks many a mans heart to read that you've been rejected for years sexually by your husband when usually its married men who are crying out for some but their wife isnt bothered. You'd surely know if he was a bit that way inclined though. Try asking him straight up, it's been that long you can't not bring the question up. Tell him you arent happy waiting for the bloody sink to be unblocked!!!