I need to be strong

[Longtimeuser]

Hi all. Would love a bit of perspective on something and hopefully some strength to do what I know I need to do.

I've been with my DP for a year. We got together very soon after my marriage broke down (no overlap) and I've known him a few years.

We don't live together (my exh is still living here.. a whole other story). Things started great but things aren't so great now.

Trying now to dripfeed but he has a habit of leaving me, physically walking away from me because he is mad or something is bothering him. So he walked away from me one night in a local city and left me on the street on my own. I had a 20 minute walk in the dark to get my car (his car was parked near mine but he stormed ahead), last weekend we were in a pub with my friends... I was talking to someone and I noticed he was gone, I looked for him for 30 minutes and then phoned him, he said he was a grown ass man and had gone for a walk, last night we went for a walk together and he left me on my own again and walked home because I pulled him up on a few things. He really insulted me last night with the cruelest insult he could give me. I haven't spoken to him since.

I know I am am done with this. I'm worth more than that. I just need somewhere I can post about it, where people remind me that I am doing the right thing.

I deserve so much better but I do love him. That's what makes it hard. For every shitty thing he does, he does 5 amazing things but they aren't enough. My self esteem is in the gutter right now

He sounds really awful. Had he driven off by the time you found your car? I wonder whether he was parked up somewhere watching you.

Bloody hell. Get rid of him and don't look back. He isn't even concerned for your safety by playing childish games like that so move on. Leave him behind and take some time to find someone who actually cares about you, properly.

His car was parked at my house, a 10 min drive away. He was walking back to.my house to get his car. I passed him on the road and I stopped to give him a lift (I know.i am a mug for doing that, I am kicking myself for doing that).

Just for clarification, when I arrived back at my house where his car was, he insulted me in the worst way possible. I walked into my house, locked the door and haven't spoken to him since. He messaged me goodnight, I ignored it.

Thank you for replying. He is truly awful at times and then can be so lovely other times. We were having a lovely evening before the walk.

A horrible mind can pretend to to be lovely.

A lovely man would not pretend to be horrible and would not behave in a horrible way.

I wish you hadn't picked him up I wish you had gone home before him and stuck a nail in his car tyre!

Thank you. I brought up the safety issue with him but he didn't seem bothered. I deserve more than that. He accused me of being codependant last night because I don't want to go to a pub with my partner, only for him to disappear without saying anything. I wasn't alone, I was with 6 friends but he just disappeared.

I'm kicking myself too. I wish I hadn't done it.. funny thing is that he told me in the car on the way back that I have abandonment issues... WTF

I have tickets to a talk we were due to go to tonight and a trip away this weekend (I had paid for it as a thank you to him for doing a lot of work in my house for me a few months ago). I think I will go to both, by myself.

The more you say the more of a waste of space he is. Please maintain no contact with him. Life is short and to waste another second with him would be crazy. You don't need the games and drama he brings, save yourself while you have the space to do it.

Stay strong, you’re doing the right thing! Just take it a day at a time and, when you find a man who treats you properly, you will thank your former self for not putting up with this behaviour anymore!

Prepare yourself to have to resist the urge to meet, talk or text but just distract yourself with your friends and family - you’ve got this!!

Thank you so much for the support. I really appreciate it. I will have to meet him at some stage to get back the things I have in his house. And I need his copy of my house key back. I was planning on changing the locks when my exh moved out but I might do it now anyway.

He just messaged me a generic how are you today Message... I ignored it.

He made fun of my fitness level last night. I have extra weight which he knows I'm so sensitive about and I'm battling with all the time. He made fun of me, said I sounded like I was going to pass out one day we we're hiking and that my fitness level was appalling. I walked into my house and locked the door. He deliberately hurt me

Thank you so much... your reply made me.cry actually. Thank you ❤️

He's very into bdsm, I am too and I've enjoyed that with previous partners, just not all the time...

Lately he won't be intimate with me, unless it's kinky. No loving intimacy... all kinky sex.

I'm writing all this here, to come back to in moments I feel weak

For every shitty thing he does, he does 5 amazing things

He's 100% arsehole because you're walking on eggshells and dancing around his shitty attitude and temper.

Run from this man, don't walk.

Oh and for goodness sake change your locks! Don't wait to get the key back.

Then you definitely need to run because he's only thinking of his pleasure and is most likely a sadist.

He withholds intimacy, only wants to have sex if it's on his terms and treats you like garbage.

No op, you deserve better.

If the stuff you have at his place can be replaced then leave it. Oh, and again, change your locks!

Run far and fast, don't look back. Good luck.

Yes you love him, like smokers love cigarettes. They don’t quit because they don’t love smoking, they quit because it’s bad for them and may make them ill or kill them. The short term and long terms costs are too high for these moments of pleasure.

This man is bad for you and is already affecting your self image and self esteem, he’s toxic. Stay strong and stay away from him.

I think you are going out with my exH, are you from Scotland.
Walk away from him and never come back.
You are not in love with him, he is basically a horrible person who throws you a few tidbits when he is not irrationally angry to keep you thinking he loves you.
You are in love with the idea of a close and loving relationship - unfortunately it will not be with him.
Disgusting treatment from a man followed by loads of loving treatment is controlling, gaslighting and love bombing and its very cruel because you don't ever know where you are.

I've spoken to my exh and he Will organise for a locksmith to come asap.

I'm done... definitely done.

Locks will be changed

I am running.

He's so bad for my mental health. He actually treats me like I'm stupid and a kid... he has a god-like personality... its like he wants to be king... its draining. I can't keep doing it anymore. He's controlling me... has wanted me to be dependent on him... he holds my hand when we are crossing the street ffs... I'm not a kid

Thank you.. you have hit the nail on the head there.

No he's not in Scotland... although he was born there... we are in Ireland. I'm sorry you had to go through something similar

The more you post about him, the worse he gets. I am glad you are moving away from him. I'd bookmark this thread and reread if you ever feel yourself weakening

Thank you.

See then he can be amazingly sweet and caring at other times. Looks after me, but it's always on his terms... he did a lot of work in my house a few months ago, saving me thousands... he has never held that over me.... but yesterday he accused me of "pulling stunts" and behaving like a brat.

I actually think he needs a lot of psychological help. But that doesn't negate the way he has treated me... I'm worth more than that... he told me that he was a victim of an awful crime, and he has been working through it in counselling. I don't doubt that, but plenty of people have Been victims and don't treat people like that.

Thank you for all the support here... I know what I need to do. I Will read here and post when I feel.weak.