Realise I’ve been used in his midlife crisis

[Italiansocks]

I’m just newly divorced from an abusive marriage, and a while ago met up with my first boyfriend, who was in the midst of separating. It was intense, he was very loving and talked about how amazing it was to reconnect, about how right it felt.

We started seeing each other and it made me feel very happy, the familiarity and affection. However, as his break solidified and he got used to his new lifestyle, he grew harder in his emotions, less open, and in the end said he didn’t have headspace for a relationship of any kind, and then my friend saw him on a dating app.

Obviously we’ve ended things a while ago — I let them peter out without giving him the upper hand in any way. I didn’t understand at first, but now I can see I was just kind of used at the start of his midlife crisis. Now he lives alone and wants to shag people from the internet. I am sad at the thought this will probably include some of my friends who are on the apps, even.

I just don’t know how something I thought was magical turned out to be so grubby. And from an old friend who knew my circumstances too. I feel abused again.

I suppose I am just looking for support.

Handhold, it's absolutely rubbish to feel used 💐

Just remember it's only a reflection on him and doesn't say anything about you at all. He's gone through his "reclaiming the dizzying highs of falling for someone again" phase and now just wants that dopamine hit over and over. It speaks of enormous emotional immaturity.

Kindly, maybe take a break from dating for a while? You're on your way away from abuse, you need time to heal, and improve your relationship with yourself before you start anything with anyone else. This has hurt you a lot and perhaps that's a sign you weren't quite ready to handle being hurt by love again? Unfortunately this is one of the pitfalls of dating and isn't unusual. Better to protect yourself for a while maybe?

Thank you, that is a really kind post.

Someone had posted about a midlife crisis on here and I followed a few threads and realised that is my guy.

I think what you’ve said is very right. I’m not mentally stable enough to cope with this kind of thing, though I was just shocked by his hardening of emotion.

bump

I just don’t know how something I thought was magical turned out to be so grubby. And from an old friend who knew my circumstances too. I feel abused again.

So your friend hooked up with him?

No, she didn’t. She said she’d seen him on it and then showed me. But I expect someone I know (even a bit) will— we live in a mid sized city

Oh I see: no I meant he was the old friend

I just feel very humiliated. I am an educated and decent person who is trying to put their life back together.

Don’t beat yourself up—dating is all very new to you. Learn from it and move on.

Thank you.

I realise you feel shit, but he can just be a stepping stone in your life too. You enjoyed each other's company, it made you happy and it was probably great for your confidence and mental health to have a positive relationship. Those are all really valuable things, and now you can move on and find someone better. And for what it's worth, the world is not short at all short of middle aged men wanting a shag. It's very, very unlikely he's doing much of that, however much he wants to.

Reality check - 'magical', 'intense'... All warning signs. You'll know for next time. Dating can be brutal, you have my sympathies but don't fall for this crap. Onwards and upwards.

How do you mean— how should it feel?

Thank you @Planesmistakenforstars that made me smile

I imagine he'll find the number of women just gagging to hop into bed with him is vanishingly small. Leave him to his sad little existence and enjoy your lucky escape. There are much nicer men out there who will deserve you.

Thank you, this perspective is really helping me! You know what it’s like when you’re crazy about someone, you imagine everyone on earth will fancy them! He is quite fit. Mid 40s. Tall. That sort of thing.

But also very poor, kind of defensive, and quite frankly 70-80% of the excellence of the sex was me.

@Planesmistakenforstars excellent advice

What I mean op is don't confuse anxiety and lust for something meaningful and comfortable and ultimately fulfilling.

Sounds like you've already started looking at it a different way to your post this morning. Great. Helps to talk these things through!

That is useful. Thanks. I didn’t think I had on this occasion as I’ve known him so long (and always held a torch).

You were both there for each other at the right time, both separating. Don't beat yourself up over it, unless he promised you the world or something.

Hiw you’re feeling is understandable but I think you’re reading too much into some of it. You said the familiarity was comforting, you were both going through drastic life changes. You held a torch for him so he probably had one for you too so it makes sense that you would come together when you were both able to during a tough time.

The only real difference between the two of you is that you hoped this relationship would continue whereas he’s decided it’s not for him. It doesn’t mean you’ve been abused, or have any reason to be humiliated. He should have been honest with you about it and for that he’s a dick, but it’s no reflection on you.

I guess you’re right. It stung far more than my marriage breakup! That is what they say, isn’t it. That the first next one carries all of the pain.

No you’re right, it’s not really being used if I went into it willingly. I don’t know why I thought it’d last forever.