Daughters Boyfriend staying over

[daisychains40]

My daughter has returned from university and asked if her boyfriend could stay over. I was reluctant as we live in a very small 2 bed house, walls are thin and I work from home. I tried to embrace it but it went horribly wrong. Ended up buying so much food - he 'bulks up' for the gym and the amount of food he ate was unbelievable. I felt so awkward in the house I ended up going out most days at the weekend just trying to kill time. They cozied up on the sofa watching movies in the evening so the only place I could go to was my bedroom. A friend came over and whilst we were chatting we heard them running a bath and taking a bath together - she was horrified and I was so embarrassed. It happened again the following day at 1pm in the afternoon whilst I was working from home. I lost it and shouted on the landing that it was not acceptable and for them to leave the house. I feel so upset and feel they have used my house to be intimate and totally disregarded that I am also in the house.

Hindsight is a great thing but things might have been better if you'd sat down with her and discussed expectations and practicalities before agreeing to the bf staying with her in your home. As it is they seem to have taken you very much for granted and not respected you and your right to be comfortable in your own home.
Perhaps if you could sit down and have a discussion about things you might be able to come to an arrangement to suit you all but that would need to involve him ( and her) contributing to at least food costs and also them being discreet about their sex life

You know what you didn't handle it the best but she took absolute advantage of you and was disrespectful. When are they/he leaving?

Yanbu.
Your daughter absolutely abused her position in your home.
Your friend was rightly shocked because I cannot think of a parent I know who would tolerate this.
I certainly wouldn't.
Your daughter needs to grow up and have a bit of respect for herself and for you.
Stick to your guns here.
They took over your house, whilst you sat in your room?
Totally ridiculous.
Don't tolerate it again.

Thank you for your replies. I did set boundaries and asked my daughter to be discreet and shared my anxieties about the house being small, walls being thin and the logistics and difficulties of where I will spend my time. I felt under pressure as this is my daughters home and she is always welcomed when staying at the boyfriends. My friend reacted the same as me about the bath issue and I was going to address it calmly the next day but they just went ahead and did it again so unfortunately I blew my top. They left shortly after - damp towels on her bed, room a mess - I have just closed the door and will leave it for her to tidy up. Daughter is now staying at boyfriends parents house as they are more relaxed about it all. So she has choices to stay at his house, and when she returns to university. Without sounding a prude I just do not want it under my roof. I want to have a mother/daughter relationship and not just be a convenient place for them to be intimate in.

Let them stay there you did nothing wrong I do think there Is pressure on parents to be "chill" and be their kids friends but I don't think adult children would be having intimate baths and eating all the food in their mates houses!

I wonder if his parents have a bigger house and an extra bathroom or 2 ?

It’s fine to have DC partners stay over, but they have to respect your rules and boundaries. I had to have words with my DS that anything that goes on, goes on whilst we are all out, we gave them plenty of notice. The gf’s mother really wasn’t happy that they were left alone in the house, but we tried to come to an agreement that everyone was happy with.

I think I read this exact thread last year 🤔

It’s your home, not a fuckpad.

I remember the transition home during the university years was tough—you go from staying out all night, partying with your friends, back to being accountable and held to rules again.

In the future, I would advise you to set down the ground rules as a reminder each time she comes back home. Tell her that you’re happy she’s home, but remind her it’s not the same as student housing here. In your case, I would advise against the BF staying over again—that one blew up. Maybe he can come over to hang out in the lounge, etc (family rooms—not coming over for sex and sensual bath times). Anyway, decide what your own personal boundaries are and ensure that they’re communicated early and clearly. Good luck. x

Its a common theme tbf you can take the op at face value or not it's up to you

Let them stay at his.
Let HIS parents pay his food bill.
Do NOT apologise to your daughter.
Her behaviour is disgraceful.
I have several children at this stage.
Not a chance I would tolerate this.
Few parents would.
Reclaim your home fully and do NOT offer your house again as a fxxk pad.
She owes you a huge apology.
She needs to grow the hell up.
I would be redrawing my boundaries very firmly with any child that thought this behaviour was acceptable.

I'm getting flashbacks to my flatmate taking a bath at 3pm years ago with her boyfriend when we had friends around for pre drinks before we all went out that night

@CowTown the transition from uni is difficult I remember it well!!. I did not want to make my daughter feel sex is dirty or something to be ashamed of but never expected to feel these emotions. At her age I worked hard in the holidays and went away for weekends/holiday with my boyfriend I never wanted or even thought to stay with his parents or vice versa as could not think of anything worse! We wanted our own privacy

Did the BF pay - or at least offer to - towards his food?

As long as you emphasise that sex is not DIRTY, but is PRIVATE, she will understand. Nobody likes to hear relatives shagging. Nor does your friend want to hear it when she comes over for a coffee.

@AlanBrendaCelia no offer- they washed up and ate out a couple of times when the food I bought started to run out (they were here 4 days)

His parents are probably as pissed off with it as you are, they're just used to/feel responsibility towards his high running costs.

Amen.

Ask your daughter how much she would like to hear you having sex? That would pretty much end the argument.

@Runsyd I have drafted my thoughts in a letter to her I have always been mindful of any partner I have had (not many mostly single throughout her childhood) but yes if I was having intimate baths with someone and she was in the house I would imagine she would be very upset and uncomfortable.

DS's gf is welcome anytime. I did tell him beforehand to remember his bedroom was above the lounge and that his bed makes a noise. He was mortified that I would mention it but it seemed to work.

Dd had her ex boyfriend stay here, often a week at a time. I didn't have to put any boundaries in place, luckily, as both very respectful. There are younger teens in the house too, so it's respect towards them too. No baths were ever taken.. so you are totally right to feel the way you do.

Him and other dd's boyfriends never contributed to food eaten etc and wouldn't have expected them too. Although it would have been nice occasionally to bring something, some just don't think.

This has absolutely NOTHING to do with giving her the message that sex is dirty.🙄

For any young woman that is so uninhibited and so lacking in self awareness...... as to have shared baths in her mothers tiny house, whilst she has company.......I would suggest that boat has long sailed..... where your views on sex inform hers....she is bloody cheeky and very rude.

I wanted to be hospitable and for the boyfriend to feel welcomed as I would treat any guest in the house but in hindsight that could have planted an expectation this will happen every time. He has younger siblings so I doubt they behave like that in his parents house. I guess because I agreed he could stay over they were having sex in her bedroom so thought they would continue the intimacy to the bathroom. I don't think I was giving any mixed messages as I would have thought my daughter knows me well enough that I would have been uncomfortable with this. Had it been when I was out but to be so blatant when my friend was here and again the next day just beggars believe

Your mistake was being too kind, too welcoming, too chill.
Do not beat yourself OP.
She needs a firm chat on manners, respect for the space of others and basic cop on.
Any attitude from her should be met with a "get a grip" attitude right back.

The irony of this is that I even bought him a new towel (ours are old and a bit tatty) a scrunchie and his own shower gel - just feel it was a complete kick in the teeth