Daughters Boyfriend staying over

[daisychains40]

My daughter has returned from university and asked if her boyfriend could stay over. I was reluctant as we live in a very small 2 bed house, walls are thin and I work from home. I tried to embrace it but it went horribly wrong. Ended up buying so much food - he 'bulks up' for the gym and the amount of food he ate was unbelievable. I felt so awkward in the house I ended up going out most days at the weekend just trying to kill time. They cozied up on the sofa watching movies in the evening so the only place I could go to was my bedroom. A friend came over and whilst we were chatting we heard them running a bath and taking a bath together - she was horrified and I was so embarrassed. It happened again the following day at 1pm in the afternoon whilst I was working from home. I lost it and shouted on the landing that it was not acceptable and for them to leave the house. I feel so upset and feel they have used my house to be intimate and totally disregarded that I am also in the house.

You're allowed your boundaries. But she's allowed to go where she feels comfortable and welcome. If you want her to spend more time with you you need to apologize for the way you said all that and explain you're adjusting to something new too and agree what could work for the both of you. But don't be surprised if they just start spending all their time as his parents home.

And risk her never spending Xmas with her daughter again?

If her daughter makes that choice, then so be it.
I do not believe the price of a relationship with your adult children should be that they behave with such absolute disregard for you and your home.
The OP was very welcoming and was treated very selfishly by her daughter, in her own home.
Her daughter needs to grow up.

I think this is tricky because I wouldn't want my dd spending all her free time at his house either.

Personally I'd lay down the boundaries, no noisy sex if I'm in the house, no hogging the Tv and no joint baths!

I'd also ask for a contribution towards the food bill and expect help with cooking and clearing up.

The above rules worked out fine when my dds bf stayed over.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum
And risk her never spending Xmas with her daughter again?

But it would be a horrible Christmas if they carried on this way - and I would be spending most of my time in my bedroom whilst they cosy up watching tv

I just don't understand how anyone could be so relaxed in front of their mother. I would've died of embarrassment at that age, or any age actually, to take a bath with my bf when my mum was downstairs. Maybe that's just me though.

@ginasevern no it is not just you. Clearly she has no respect for me even though I have brought her up with good morals and manners. I could see the irritation in her face when I was in their presence - she just wanted the house to themselves.

you need to lay down rules and stick to them. As they took their first bath i would have said something there and then. If they don't like it they can leave.

I would expect them to contribute to food and cleaning - its your house they are living in not a hotel.

I wouldn't have retired to my bedroom when they were watching TV. it's your house.

It's not really your daughters house as she lives at Uni. When she comes back shes a visitor of sorts and acts accordingly.

Has she completed her degree or is she going back?

They have behaved really badly. Everyone knows you wait until the mum goes out before you get up to anything! As for your sitting room not being your own, that's really awful.

I would just say, "OK that's for the best" about her staying at his and make the most of having your home back.

That's just horrible. Even when I lived with mates i wouldn't take a bath with my bf when they are there and I absolutely wouldn't do it when my mum's there. That's just weird as hell. I would think the best plan would be to sit them both down and have a word. I would calm down and text and ask her to come over for a chat. You don't want her to stop coming home but she has to understand there are boundaries and she was taking the piss

Running a bath together while there are guests (and you) in the house that can hear is a bit beyond 🤢 you say her bf’s family don’t mind, but I wouldn’t want my DD to be behaving like that at her partners house!

I don’t think she should only be able to spend the night with him if they go on weekends away/holidays but they do need to have some manners when they’re in your home. Let them stay at bf’s family for the next while until it all blows over.

I am probably only a year or so off your daughters age and this horrified me. WTF taking a bath together!! This is absolutely not normal, if I told a friend I done this in my mothers house they would probably boke.

I think it would be best to send her a text and explain that he is welcome to be here however you expect a level of respect for yourself and your home. Regarding food, you have no issues providing one dinner as that would probably be normal for a guest visiting however you will need them to pick up any pricey bits like meat and snacks. I always pick up extra bread, milk and a treat for my mum and dad.

You obviously are not stupid and know that they will probably be intimate however you don’t need a full display of this. Me and my BF do have a cuddle on the couch but more of a cosy arm around the shoulder. I check with both my parents to ensure it’s okay to watch something but we are fortunate to have a living room and a snug sort of area so it could be different.

If she takes offence at this I would say she’s not mature enough to have a relationship beyond going out for dates. Is this her first boyfriend?

What's wrong with an adult woman having an enjoyable sex life with a loving partner?

Stop slut shaming her.

Pushing you into your bedroom whilst they cosy up in the sitting room is really mean, and so selfish. They must lack total self awareness. I could never imagine doing that to my mother.

Just because OP (and her friends) don’t want to be privy to the Sex Show, it’s not slut shaming. She says above that she doesn’t want DD to feel dirty. She wants to enjoy her lounge, not have all of her food eaten, and not have to listen to relatives shagging. Hardly unreasonable…

She has another 2 years at university but it is a long summer and wont be going back until mid September. To be honest she needs to get a summer job and get some money behind her. He does not go to college or uni and no job. This will always be her home and I was looking forward to having her back home and spending time with her it is a shame this happened. I think her plan was one week at his and one week at mine over the summer

Oh god OP I definitely wouldn’t allow this plan. She shouldn’t be taking advantage of his parents either by staying every other week for the full week!!! A couple of date nights and a night in or two is plenty week to week.

They both need jobs, at least a few days a week.

I'd be telling her no more sleepovers, period. She had a chance to prove herself to be a considerate adult and she blew it.

My parents were pretty relaxed about my boyfriend staying over when I lived at home. They never felt the need to tell me I couldn't shag him in the bath in the middle of the day whilst they had guests over though. I agree boundaries need to be agreed beforehand but honestly, who would think that was appropriate?

This is her first boyfriend - I have been through it all ...contraception advice , morning after pills, he was notified by an ex girlfriend that she had Chlamydia so my daughter had to be treated for that and tested for other STD's - she has shared all of this with me, I have tried not to judge and be there for her but it has been difficult and this situation has just blown me away.

…. So Day 1 they have a bath at the same time, you don’t like this. You don’t share this with DD, nor do you share that you could hear them and it made you uncomfortable. She probably assumed on Day 2, that because you said nothing on Day 1, it was ok to do it again.

Then, instead of discussing it calmly, and explaining it was an issue … you lose your shit, and they leave.

They don’t seem to have done much wrong… seems to more about your plans for a summer, just the two of you being scuppered.

The cheek of her.
As I said she needs to grow the hell up.
Living in cloud cookoo land, not paying a bill.
I'd let her off. Let's see how long his parents are happy to have them bathing together with younger children in the house.
This is one of those times when you absolutely hold the line.
My 23 year old thought it perfectly reasonable to have his girlfriend come and stay for the weekend in his bedroom.
He was told the spare bedroom which has an ensuite was set up for guests.
He tried to push it, I wouldn't entertain him and when he approached his father he was shut down with a pay for a hotel if you wish to have share a room. I have teens, I am not setting any precedence.
Move out and pay going rate in a house if the T&C's don't appeal here.