People who don’t reply to messages.

[Anotherbigwin]

My sister has a habit of not replying to messages. We don’t message all the time, maybe once a month and see each other every few months. But I’ve noticed often when I message to say hi or ask a question, she won’t always reply. So I’ll ask if she is free at the weekend for a visit. Or if she wants to pop round. Or I’ll ask her a specific question about something and she won’t reply either way. And then weeks will pass and I’ll hear nothing.
Maybe a month later she will then message and not mention or refer to the previous messages I sent. I understand that people are busy with life and can’t always reply, but this happens a lot. So that when she does message me, I don’t have the inclination to reply promptly, which then feels petty. An example being I messaged her about a month ago to see if she was free to meet up that weekend. She didn’t reply and obviously we didn’t meet up as the weekend passed. I hadn’t heard from her until yesterday, when she messaged to say hi. This happens a lot. There is no issue between us, but I just find it annoying. How do you manage this? Do you just simply match their energy and communication style? So don’t rush to reply to their messages? I generally reply to anyone’s messages according to their urgency and normally within a day or so.

Have you asked her about it?

I usually respond to messages fairly quickly. If it's something a bit banal though or I can't reply at that time, I wait until I can think of a suitable response or have time but then life sometimes gets kn the way and I occasionally forget.

If she always does it, there's going to be a reason.

I don't reply straight away if I need to check something, like my diary, or think about something like whether or no I can agree to the request first. And then I often forget to reply! Maybe she has a lot going on and is slightly scatty like me?

I have ADHD and find replying to messages stressful as I don't do it straight away as I want to reply properly and then I feel guilty until I do it. It's a task I need to make time for and put thought into so it can take me a while to get to. It doesn't reflect how much I care about my friends and my longstanding friends often take a similar amount of time to reply and I don't mind at all

Most people I know don’t reply straight away, or many times at all. We all get hundreds of messages a day, between school / nursery WhatsApp and everyone who insists on starting a new group chat for every kids’ party or hen party or wedding, and work colleagues on Slack and enail, and people who want to connect on LinkedIn, and friends and family who message on FB and IG and text, and reminders via all these channels from the dentist / vet / physio and spam. It’s overwhelming.

I can just about keep on top of the messages I need to reply to in order to make sure my DC get where they need to be. I can’t reply promptly to once-monthly messages to say hi.

If something’s important and I don’t reply I expect the messager to follow up. That’s what I do when I need a reply.

I just do my communication style if you want to call it that and let others go theirs.

And just accept it for what it is.

Personally I think she's being rather rude not replying to messages that contain invitations or suggestions to meet up.
Next time you see her, I'd talk to her about it. It doesn't take a minute to reply with a 'thanks for the invitation but we're busy this weekend' or similar.

If you know she's rubbish with messaging, why not just call her?

Some people just aren't great with texting - it's rarely anything personal. I often mentally reply to a text but then get distracted with work or something at home and totally forget to actually reply!

I’d just ring her. I have trouble replying to all my messages and if someone needs a long message reply I tend to just ring them instead. It’s a lot easier as the conversation is immediate back and forth not waiting days or weeks between replies.

Your preferred way of communicating might be messaging but that does not mean that your sister has to feel the same way...

Simply ask her if she prefers you to give her a quick call instead.

I've got a couple of people in my life who do this and have decided to "match their energy".

In reality, I think that means interactions will fall away.

I appreciate that might be too risky in this case? So probably best to talk to her about it.

It’s just different communication styles / different people behave differently

But for me my innner circle of friends need to be people who do reply (not immediately, I know everyone is busy) but I need friends I can have a dialogue with.

For me people who are crap at keeping in touch / replying will only ever be on my outer friendship circle

I'm petty so I'd just do the same to her. She'll get the message eventually.

I'm not defending her but... I have a thing (probably because I've been ultra stressed the past two years) where I cannot reply to messages with expectations. Don't ask me to do anything, commit to anything, give my opinion on anything big and complex. Shoot the breeze with me via text and I'm good. We'll have a good exchange. I may even pick up the phone. I may even think, "I ought to hatch a plan to see my friend in Cornwall this summer." I won't but I'll think about it, which is enough right now.
But the minute expectations are presented to me and questions are asked of me, I go silent (unless they're very pragmatic ones like, Where's the stopcock typically located? Or, Does Borax substitute work on killing ants?).
It's a me thing. I am the problem and I am certainly not saying, hey, this behaviour is ok! It's not really. I feel badly that I'm like this but I sincerely cannot help it. I'm hoping that I may be adding insight into your sister's lack of response. It's not you. I am almost certain of that.

I can't cope well with life. My friends, however, know this about me. And I don't know when I'll recover from whatever it is I'm facing.
As for your sister- how is she? How's her life? Is she strung out, under slept, under pressure of any kind? Maybe she's insular by nature (I certainly am) and now that you're adults, and especially in this world of social media and texting, you're seeing her character more clearly. She may find the world a little too big. I know that sounds weird. And yes, I'm putting a bunch of my own shit onto your sister here. 😆Sorry! But I'm hoping that you can feel a bit less hurt (because it does hurt, I know) by her distance.

If she's not a big texter anyway she probably won't even notice.

@SerenityNowInsanityLater I don't cope with life at all but I like to be in touch with people. One reason I got more ill was lack of consistent contact. I'm going to guess you don't live alone?

@Chessboardtable You call it different styles of communication...
But then you go on to say that those people don't make it into your inner circle - i totally get that.

So would you agree that people who behave this way, don't have you on
their priority list?

I appreciate that in some cases the person may well respond if you have a crisis or an emergency, but those people are quite rare I find. OP I hope your sister is one of those.

I noticed a lot of posters saying "just phone her" but who phones these days. You have to make an arrangement to phone usually. Which you can't do if somebody won't respond to the messages....

There is also the problem of "phone calls are so rare, people think a phone call is an emergency" rather than a chat. And you get told off if the kids are settling for bed etc etc...

I noticed a lot of posters saying "just phone her" but who phones these days. You have to make an arrangement to phone usually.

I speak to people on the phone most days and never make an arrangement - I just ring. If they're busy it's no big deal, they can ring back later 🤷‍♀️

I used to really like messaging but now I find it can be a bit intrusive so I only really use it to make plans but even then I don't expect an immediate answer.

Maybe she can't say no or too many things are going on in her mind? Call her next time.

Thanks for the replies. Regarding calling her. She isn’t someone who would answer her phone unless an emergency.
She has always been a bit like this. And is no busier than anyone else. I never expect immediate replies and I don’t message her all the time. I just feel that when she inevitably does message me weeks later and ignores my previous messages, I’m getting to the stage where I think I can’t be bothered to reply to you. Which doesn’t feel great. She prob does know she is slack at replying and she does apologise sometimes. But then I think what’s the point in messaging to ask something as it’s 5050 whether she’ll reply.
I suppose I was just thinking is it ok not to reply to her with any sense of urgency. Not to annoy her, but more just to match her style of communication. My life is as busy as anyone else’s with three children and work. But I always try to reply to messages when someone is needing a response and within a reasonable time, as it just seems rude not to.

Maybe she doesn't understand your need to message back just as you don't understand her happily not messaging back for long periods.

There's no rule that says anyone has to message anyone back within a certain time frame so if you don't want to reply right way then don't.

Yes I think I shouldn’t expect her to reply to my texts. As often she never replies. And the reason for the text has passed. A way of not feeling frustrated is probably to not respond to her too. If I’m honest, sometimes when I receive texts (from anyone), I can’t always be bothered to reply. But I have always felt I should, otherwise friendships would fall away.
i think will just mirror her style. She knows that I genuinely reply fairly quickly, but if I match her then expectations on both sides are more balanced and realistic.

I think as well as delaying your responses, I'd also talk to her about it. Ask why she doesn't reply? Tell it bothers you. I'm a great believer in saying what's on my mind and talking things through. Being direct. Point out that if you adopted the same approach as her, you'd rarely, if ever, see each other. Would that bother her?
I stand by my previous comment: it's rude to not even grace a message with an invitation in it with a reply!

@Anotherbigwin Yep, I knew she wouldn't take calls.

Be aware, if you start taking similar time to reply, she might say "you never reply to my messages". Mum has had this but the people involved had the sense to admit she was simply taking a leaf from their book.

i'm pretty sure people were not like this 20 years ago. her friends and mine are one or two generations apart but we see the same patterns of human behaviour I guess.

I think if i did stop replying she would say ‘you don’t reply’. And would think it petty if i said i was matching her communication style.
I think it’s just the way she is. She feels she doesn’t have to reply, and now I don’t have the motivation to suggest anything. It’s draining to always be the initiator. My time is important too.

I do love my sister and we get on well. But I do find her lack of response frustrating. And then think I’ll just leave it with her.

@Anotherbigwin "It’s draining to always be the initiator. My time is important too."

I agree. I think that's why it's important to have the conversation first. It will prevent any misunderstandings. Taking offence at an imagined slight seems to be a real thing these days.

I know with my mum's friends, she just said to them straight "well I'm always the one who initiates and I'm tired of it." They improved. Well, not all of them!