Confused by partner behaviour

[Confusedbutthatsnormalformetbh]

I’ve been with my partner two years. He is nice and kind. I’m very emotional he’s very funny outgoing but quite low on emotion. Twice he has upset me and twice I’ve pretty much over reacted emotionally by being upset and a little angry (nothing too much but I’m a bit overboard at times) these two times he has given me silent treatment for around three weeks. I feel slightly worried now to really p**s him off. He’s so nice tho and we laugh loads. I just feel sort of anxiety over getting too angry ever. So this weekend he sprung on me that he was invited to his cousins wedding. We very rarely go out together I was so excited then he said that I’d not been invited as she didn’t really know he had a partner. I was really upset I have childhood trauma from my parents leaving me out of things. I just feel quite upset. Off he went to the wedding and I feel quite numb toward him now. Not sure what to do.

Defo I agree I’m childlike I’ve noticed that more and more. Would you not ever get angry ? What do you do when super angry ? I don’t really shout I hear other people shout and it seems a lot of effort 😂

Sorry genuine question what do you do when angry ? I don’t know how to be angry 😂 other people seem to shout and it seems a lot of bother I can’t shout so I say fuck off and once I slammed the car door 😂. How do you express anger ? Genuine question

How do you express anger or are you always completely calm ?

The best way to express anger is to say ‘I feel angry’. But sometimes it’s actually other emotions like shame, guilt, fear or whatever but it’s just that it comes out as anger because that’s an easier emotion to express. So it’s good to be able to identify which emotion you are actually feeling in the first place.

He sounds like someone who compartmentalises things in his life, including keeping you separate from friends and family. He has attempted to avoid confrontation by shutting this wedding issue off until he has made a much bigger issue than it might have been. The extreme sulking ties in with this avoidance style too. It’s difficult to deal with and especially if your communication style is different. Counselling would only help if he admits to an issue and wants to change and if you do too.

You are incompatible to the extreme.

I wouldn't be with someone who cries at the drop of a hat, tells me to fuck off and slams doors - no matter how infrequently. You admit to being 'childlike', you are an adult and a parent, act like one.

I wouldn't be with someone who ignores me for three weeks and expects me to watch his kids while he was out. Four years old is not a baby btw.

Sounds like both of you will be better off out of it. And the kids would be better off too.

This.

You wouldn't leave someone for crying. You would leave someone for being completely unable to deal with anything emotionally, worrying about how they'll react to the smallest thing and basically treading on eggshells constantly.

It looks a very funny and hilarious relationship on the surface.

What on earth does this mean?!

The silent treatment for 3 weeks is more toxic than having a rant and slamming a few doors in my opinion.

Either way this relationship isn't working. I'd rather be alone than in a relationship like this one.

He's clearly using you as an unpaid nanny / housekeeper for his child and nephew ... how did you get into this situatio? You are focussing on the wrong things ... are you dependent on him financially? Seek support to get out of this ridiculous situation.

You say-
“I’m really angry about this. I hate it when you just stop answering messages. I worry you are hurt or something.”

I can’t actually remember being angry with DH- hurt, upset, disappointed… angry? Not often.

I have sworn at him once in 33 years and it was deliberate- he didn’t seem to realise that what I was saying was important and was just grinning foolishly at me when I was cross about something. (No appropriate clothes packed when we arrived on holiday, couldn’t eat in restaurants etc).

So you've been together 2 years, you look after his child and his nephew, yet his family don't know he has a partner?! Huh?!

Wtf is this?
Why are you his free childcare?
He sounds abusive, controlling and highly manipulative.
You need to leave him.
stop being used for childcare by him.

Honestly OP this whole relationship ssoubds a nightmare.

You need to go to counselling to get past your childhood trauma. Getting upset because he didn’t take you to a funeral - unless it was the funeral of someone you were close to and would have gone anyway - is not ok. His cousin inviting him on his own to the wedding is fairly normal.

His communication skills are atrocious. Sulking for three weeks?! I bet his silent treatment didn’t extend to looking after his own kid during that time?

You don’t go out together, you don’t do things you enjoy.

Honestly, dump him, stop being unpaid childcare for him, get yourself some counselling and then when you’ve got your self esteem up, find a better bloke.

I would leave someone who cried and threw a door-slamming tantrum because they weren't invited to the wedding of a relative they'd never even met.

I would also leave someone who gave me 'the silent treatment'.

Both of you are an absolute nightmare and the relationship is unhealthy and dysfunctional.

When I'm angry I find it helps to do something physical, even if it's just going out for a walk. If I'm in the company of someone who's made me angry, I'll communicate that I'm feeling angry and need some space to process my feelings. I prefer to deal with such emotions by myself so that I'm not likely to lash out at someone.

Your relationship seems quite toxic and unhealthy all around. It sounds like you're both walking on eggshells around each other.

Some of your behaviour is not okay, and what really isn't okay is how much you're minimising it. I don't think the laughing emojis are really appropriate to the discussion here.

I think you absolutely would benefit from some counselling. You mention having some childhood trauma, and that it's affecting how you feel about certain things now. So surely you can see how it might be a benefit to work through that with someone?

I wouldn't believe a word he says and I don't believe the wedding story either. Is he in a relationship with someone else or married?

@Confusedbutthatsnormalformetbh pretty sure his family know about you after two years!!!!!!

Why the heck are you enabling him to go out with others by babysitting his DC and nephew. He's using you for childcare. Do you have available childcare for your DC when you need it? Are you in a position to go out with him if he wanted to take you somewhere?
I suspect rather than being sensitive to abandonment, you've actually got used to it and tolerate it far more than most would. If he never takes you out on a date, what's the point? What do you get out of it? It's obvious what he gets -sex and a free babysitter so he can have fun.

The best way to express anger is to say ‘I feel angry’. But sometimes it’s actually other emotions like shame, guilt, very whatever but it’s just that it comes out as anger because that’s an easier emotion to express. So it’s good to be able to identify which emotion you are actually feeling in the first place

This is very good and so true.

When people feel unable to express (or even name) the emotion they are feeling, it often comes out as anger.

Like a previous poster, I've never felt anger towards my partner of 3 years. I've 0ccasipnally felt frustrated or hurt or let down but because I knpw what I'm feeling, I've been able to express it to him. We dot raise our voices towards each other, sbout or swear no slam things or give each other the silent treatment.

Sometimes, I take a some.time before raising something so that I know exactly how/what I'm feeling and what outcome I'm looking for.

I would end a relationship that made me just feel 'angry' though because it would mean I wasn't able to resolve issues with that person respectfully due to their communication style.

You might need to work on your reactions to hurtful behaviour but have you always been like that and do you react the same way with everyone or is it just him that gets you so upset?

If it is only with him then you would be better off without him.

I agree with @MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel after two years together his family should know about you. Even if his cousin isn’t close enough to know his relationship status she would’ve asked a closer family member before sending his invite.

I don’t think he is very nice to you.