To find every other man attractive...

[greatlyh]

Well that's a bit dramatic as I don't fancy every other man I see.

I've been with my partner for ten years. He's genuinely the most fantastic bloke. Calm, kind, bla bla bla. I'm a very stressy person & he is my calm. I can tell him anything.

I've just returned to work as MAT leave finished (we have 2 DC, age 5 & 1) & I fancy quite a few blokes in the office. I find myself wanting to dress nicely for them, as well as myself. I think about having sex with lots of other men. The awful truth? I don't think I find my partner physically attractive. I totally get that we are parents, stressed with the fun that can bring, but honestly I don't think I ever have found him very physically attractive, I just loved the way he made & makes me feel safe & makes me laugh.

I don't think I would every cheat (I say 'think' as I genuinely don't think I could handle the guilt & what we have in our relationship is amazing, I wouldn't want to risk that plus morally of course it's just shit) but honestly the thought of sleeping with other men I know that I fancy is almost constant in my mind. Is this just because we have been together for so long? We don't get a lot of date nights due to lack of childcare but I don't think that is the issue. It's like I want other men to fancy me. Just to know that they do, or that I've 'still got it'. Has anyone else felt like this? Will it pass? Is the relationship doomed?

If you don’t find your partner attractive, I think it is doomed to be honest and that’s why you are having all these thoughts. Sounds like he was your safe bet.

Sounds like you're setting the stage to cheat on your partner. Do the right thing, call it a day on your relationship and then you can have it with whoever you like.

@Noonecares245 I honestly wouldn't cheat. I do love him a whole lot & I know theres no one 'better' out there for me. I just find so many other men attractive but lately since I've been 'let out in to the wild' from MAT leave & seen so many men that I used to know/knew I keep wondering if there's something wrong with me for feeling this way. Is this not 'normal' to find other men attractive whilst in a long term relationship?

Normal to find other men attractive, maybe even a quick thought about what it's like to be with them.

Not normal to find your own partner unattractive. Quite sad for him that you feel this way. Even if a man isn't objectively handsome, you should still find him appealing because he makes you laugh and you love his personality.

It's normal to find other people attractive yes.

But in a 10 year relationship, the person you decided to build a family and life with, because you couldn't get any 'better', to dress up for others and think about having sex with, well it sounds like almost anyone else, is not usual no.

You say you can tell him anything, but you are also holding so much back from him, all this for instance.

You say he is a good man, and yet you are happy for him to exist in a relationship being a good man and yet not be with someone who does find him attractive. You are, and have been, and it seems will continue to be very unfair and selfish to him. Poor guy.

It's very normal to find other men attractive and fancy them. Why not? Your thoughts are your own and you aren't walking around in blinkers. I've probably fancied loads of blokes in the decade I've been married

However .... I fancy my husband and love him and I'm quite comfortable in telling him if I found someone good looking (err not constantly and only in passing!) He's the most secure man I know and we just laugh about it. I'd never chat and have no desire to

So only you know which camp you fall into. It's perhaps not a great sign that you don't fancy him and never really have so that's something to ponder

*never cheat not chat!

Going back to work after a long break is a big transition. Try not to worry about fancying colleagues - they'll do something to put you off like chat shit about women or stink out the bathroom. I think it's a good sign it's not just one person you're daydreaming about.

Your issues with your partner might be short term too. Focus on the kids and the things you enjoy about your life rather than analysing how fit you find your partner.

@WithAliceAforethought Oh we've also always told each other in a jovial way if we have found other people attractive & usually had a good laugh about it. It's this latest feeling of almost needing other men's validation that I'm not sure where it has come from. Maybe just going back to work & having adult company again.

@ClickClickety Yes you're right, it has been a big transition & only recent. I have a tendency to overthink most things in life so things like this worry me. Of course if I felt I didn't love him anymore I would say, it's not fair on him else. But I do love him, he's fantastic. It's just the stress of the kids, life, work maybe.

If your life is indeed great and the problem is just attraction to your husband then I don’t feel like it is worth throwing away everything for, especially when there are other options. If you were to say, be discreet within your workplace, how likely is it that your husband would find out?

You've just gone back to work after having two children, and you're trying to re establish who you are now. Don't panic, there's nothing wrong with finding men attractive, you're not a lump of clay, you're human and that's what we're put on this earth to do!

The fact that you don't find your husband attractive is a seperate issue, I don't think it's related, neither do I think you're about to have an affair. Dress in whatever makes you feel good, for you. I think you're looking for validation that you're still "you" after a few years of being wife and mum. Nothing wrong with that.

@SeverinaVichenza There's no question of me cheating. I love him & it would break his heart. We have a great life together. It's more the feeling of wanting other men to find me attractive & the fact I find them attractive which alarms me as I don't get why I care so much all of a sudden.

If you're going to have affairs DO NOT have them with colleagues. And use a second phone, a PAYG, that you never take home.
#notjudging

@SamanthaJonesWasRight Thank you. Really great advice.

I think it's quite normal to fancy others, I'm sure your husband has fancied other women before. I think especially in a long term relationship other men can seem more attractive as you don't see any of their bad bits, you are seeing them all scrubbed up and being their 'best self', you're not seeing all their bad habits and arguing with them over petty shit at home. It's helpful to think that these men you fancy also have lots of flaws you just aren't seeing them, you're building up a fantasy version in your head. Maybe think about what traits it is in these men that you don't see in your husband? Ambition, assertiveness, the way they dress, etc? What is missing?

Life is about compromise I'm afraid.

You have a 'fantastic' partner. Don't fuck it up by cheating with a bloke who is more attractive and likely to fuck you over in the long term.

Stop thinking with your fanny, basically.

I do think we shouldn't be too quick to jump on the OP here, doesn't this forum exist to let us express our private thoughts? There should be room for contemplation and discussion surely, not just "well clearly you're going to cheat" otherwise where's the room for actual conversation and exchanging of thoughts and ideas?

OP I totally understand that for the first time in a long time, you're feeling confident as a woman, back in the workplace and it's natural to want to attract some admiring glances! I've had lots of boring office days where time has passed quicker by enjoying a little innocent attention from someone nice! It's fun and it builds your confidence as an independent person, and woman. However I think you should be careful if you're thinking of taking it further than this. A loving, safe partner is not nothing. Especially when you have infant children who need a present dad if at all possible. x

No I understand that you love him, but if you aren’t attracted to him you are condemning yourself to a lifetime of sexual frustration and misery, which you don’t deserve.

Now I know you say that you will feel guilty if you were to act on your desires, but if he is likely to never find out then I don’t see what the harm is. In the long run it will probably save your relationship. Just don’t get too hung on feeling bad because you are only human and I know what it is like to long for something more than you’ve ended up with.

Also, I agree with a previous poster, perhaps messing around with colleagues is a bit too risky.

You don't see what the harm is in her having an affair and possibly wrecking her marriage with a child involved? Sorry but that's bonkers.

It isn’t hard to be discreet, and it can’t be any worse than having to be with an ogre of a husband who doesn’t know how to satisfy her needs. Life is just too short, better to enjoy what you can and keep the family together, especially as he seems to be a decent person.

I'm experiencing something similar at the moment. It's a bit different as I do still find my dh attractive and I don't even find the other guys that attractive, I just find that I need the attention for validation.

I've just gone back to the workplace after years of being a SAHM, I'm 39 and feeling insecure about turning 40.
I had my kids in my 20s. Before having them I used to get a lot of attention from men, but it was nothing but a source of annoyance to me. Then I had the kids and was at home for years and was basically invisible. Now I'm back out in the world and finding that I'm getting the same sort of attention that I got before, from men a lot younger than me. I wasn't expecting it but now I find myself craving it for validation.

I feel guilty about it, just had a long conversation with dh about it last night. I wish I felt more secure in myself.

How old are you op? I bet mid 30's

Chances are you might stop fancying all these blokes when you're a bit older

I don't think this is uncommon; it's part of getting back to being an adult after being mummy if you know what I mean.

Having thoughts about colleagues or wanting to be attractive doesn't have to translate into an affair and can just be part of your body waking up again to sex in general.

If I were you I wouldn't be too troubled by private thoughts as long as they don't translate into actions, but perhaps also see if you can't get some one to one time with your husband as well so that you can see him as the person he is and not just your safe partner.

It might be worth asking how you'd feel if he confessed to feeling this way. You're not the prisoner of your hormones or transient feelings, love in a marriage is a conscious choice you make every day and that's sometimes in the face of attraction to others. Being married doesn't mean you stop finding others attractive, it just means you've promised not to pursue that!

I'm disappointed in the advice suggesting that OP cheats the woman has said several times that she doesn't wish to. There is a difference between '#notjudging' and then actively encouraging her with grotty tips on how to deceive her poor husband.

I'm further down the line in life stage from where you are now OP and it's very common and normal to go through stages of feeling blah about your relationship. Butterflies and sparks take you so far, it's the real stuff that matters at the end. Fleeting attention from the office flirts is worthless validation.

It's probably an identity crisis following having 2 children which is ironic because the epitome of femininity is that you have been fruitful and had two children, have been 'chosen' in marriage and have a man who is committed to you beside you still. Before I get jumped on for my traditional views, I do not think that validation by having affairs or boosting your self esteem by compliments from the office sleaze and pervs is the peak of feminist empowerment.

You are now older, your body has changed, you were probably drowning in nappies and mummy chores monotony. People everywhere saw the pram and your children before they saw you, sometimes we do not even get called by our first name anymore, it's just 'mum!' and with being off work for so long, you are finally being seen and treated as 'you' the individual and woman rather than 'just mummy'.
This is your hormones and self confidence so focus on rebuilding there and it starts by appreciating what you have.
You could look like a top model and have queues of men lusting after you, if you don't believe or feel your worth and appreciation for what you have it will be like trying to fill a bottomless pit. Shift your mindset and work on your relationship. The 'sexy' part of your identity belongs to you and your husband, discover it with him not through flirting with colleagues who I promise you will be flirting with other women there, too. Women who are far less attractive than you might consider yourself... because for them flirting is an ego boost and a sport. Do not place any value on their opinion of your physical appearance because they will likely shag anything with a pulse. Focus on the man who is with you, supporting you and your 2 children.

I wouldn't even think back to whether you had ever found him attractive, something clearly was attractive enough about him to have 2 children with him so don't get too lost in your head, our brain plays tricks and we can have selective recall. Be grateful for what you have. Spend time on your relationship, make more effort to spend time away from the children just you two ideally weekends away. Initially it won't feel amazing because you will just talk about the children or not much at all, but after a few attempts you should slowly be building that intimacy back up.