To find every other man attractive...

[greatlyh]

Well that's a bit dramatic as I don't fancy every other man I see.

I've been with my partner for ten years. He's genuinely the most fantastic bloke. Calm, kind, bla bla bla. I'm a very stressy person & he is my calm. I can tell him anything.

I've just returned to work as MAT leave finished (we have 2 DC, age 5 & 1) & I fancy quite a few blokes in the office. I find myself wanting to dress nicely for them, as well as myself. I think about having sex with lots of other men. The awful truth? I don't think I find my partner physically attractive. I totally get that we are parents, stressed with the fun that can bring, but honestly I don't think I ever have found him very physically attractive, I just loved the way he made & makes me feel safe & makes me laugh.

I don't think I would every cheat (I say 'think' as I genuinely don't think I could handle the guilt & what we have in our relationship is amazing, I wouldn't want to risk that plus morally of course it's just shit) but honestly the thought of sleeping with other men I know that I fancy is almost constant in my mind. Is this just because we have been together for so long? We don't get a lot of date nights due to lack of childcare but I don't think that is the issue. It's like I want other men to fancy me. Just to know that they do, or that I've 'still got it'. Has anyone else felt like this? Will it pass? Is the relationship doomed?

I just think if your in love with your husband he is the only one you would be interested in sleeping with ..I think you love your husband but are you in love with him ?

Personally you sound like a sex crazed Jezebel… Apologies if that sounds quite harsh

@Onlylonelyontheinside Lol, amazing.

Just wait for the menopause you will have zero sex drive you'll be fine then

@whyhavetheygotsomany 🤣 That did make me smile!

Not necessarily....

Speak for yourself

Must be crap not to fancy your own husband.

Anyway he sounds great in otherways for you, I agree, you're probably at that age where by it's last orders at the ok corral for having more offspring, makes you pine for male virillity, but think hard before you find yourself a promiscuous bastard, they are horrible, they wreck lives and your h, even if he did forgive you, he will never be the same man again.

He won't be the happy, loving, partner you've been used to, he will be a shell of a man.

I think some of this could be linked to having had two babies and only just returning from mat leave, which is a time you typically feel you exist only for your children and brings a loss of identity. Are you done having children? If so, it might be that you know you’re done with childbearing and so you know your body is your own again, you’re hyper aware of it, and you want to feel a validation of youth and attractiveness before it’s ’too late’.

I think it’s just linked to your identity, but absolutely examine your relationship with your husband. See if you can be honest with him about the insecurity (maybe not the thoughts of banging the guys from work 😬) and see if there’s something you can both do for your marriage and sex life.

@Ifyoucouldreadmymindlove I think you're right.

Unfortunately with both my kids, they were admitted to ICU within hours of their births. Both were very very poorly. When my son was born last year we were told to prepare ourselves. I've had therapy but both of my MAT leaves have been full of trying to process trauma. Now I'm back at work it's almost surreal, like none of that awful shit happened & it's like stepping back in time to pre kids.

My other half was the most amazing support to me in hospital despite going through the same thing as me clearly. I was then taken ill & required immediate surgery so he had a heck of a lot on his plate.

I think maybe this has affected things but I couldn't be 100%.

That's how I was during my unhappy sexless marriage.I eventually ended it.

Perfectly fine to fantasise.

Can't believe there's women on here advising and encouraging Op to have a affair. I'm quite shocked. Have some morals fgs. If a man posted the same as Op women would be calling him everything under the sun not advising him on how to have an affair without being caught..
Double standards

If you're lucky it's the opposite!

Ignore the posters like this one and others who want to shame you for something that is only natural. Some women are still clearly tools of the patriarchy.

Just remember to have fun and cover your tracks with everything you do. Men are usually too stupid to work things out but that doesn’t mean you should get complacent. If he does ever get suspicious then accusing him of being a cheater himself usually does the trick of getting him to back off, probably because he actually is up to no good himself mind you!

Oh this happened to me too. I lost my libido after having my first but then about 18 months later it was like I was on heat! Fancying so many fellas in different areas of my life. I used to think about them while I was with my partner and it certainly livened things up for a while until I rediscovered him too. Over 10 years later everything is fine, no cheating occurred and no need to fantasise any more.

I assume you would give this same advice to a man?

Op ignore posters like @SeverinaVichenza. She's not only advising you to cheat but then telling you to gaslight your husband. Terrible, cruel "advice". Either leave him or commit to him but don't take advice from someone who is probably a cheater and proud of it.

No, why would I? Men live life on easy mode, the very least they can do is stick to their wedding vows.

We are NOT the same, I don’t know how many times we have to go through this

🤣🤣

Hmm, with my exH I had something similar. We came out of a stressful period and I started a new job where I felt like you - cared about how other men perceived me, wanted them to like me and fancied them. I too had the realisation, or rather had it emphasised, that I had never found Ex attractive. He was objectively handsome and a lovely man so I loved him but just didn't fancy him the same way. I never cheated but after 2 years of feeling this way, I couldn't ignore it either. So I divorced him as the guilt ate me up and I felt he deserved someone who did fancy him.

With DH now, it's completely different. I've always fancied him. Even when he's being annoying. And i just have zero interest in other men, even ones I can see are attractive. I think us women minimise physical attraction when choosing a partner but if you're going to stay monogamous to one man, you need to fancy him. And it doesn't have to be a choice as sometimes someone's personality makes them the sexiest man in the world.

If you've never found him physically attractive, not sure that will change. Maybe therapy could help you translate his other good qualities into the physical. But if you feel like this now, it's a loooooong life ahead till death do you apart.

you're young and its normal to fancy other men. Isn't that we love school and work so that we can be in the work being out there living our life. If you didn't find other men attractive that would be the greater problem . You are a sexual being and there's no shame in finding other men sexy, its what you do with that . If you don't act on it then you're fine.
Not acting on your desire is being a responsible adult and parent . Thats my point of view but I may be worng

Op… you need attraction, trust and affection to make any relationship work in the long term. If any of those are gone you become friends, sexbuddies or flatmates but are no longer an actual couple even if you share a house, a bed and children.

My advice would be not to guilt trip yourself for finding other people attractive but to take this feeling as a an opportunity to explore what is going on in your marriage that you may still be able to correct before you become it gets so bad you end up staying in a relationship “for the sake of the children”.

If you go into online dating when you are in your late 30s, you will find out that many of the men out there of the same age are back single a year or two after their having a second toddler soon after the first. Stephen Biddulph have written several books touching on the topic, talking about how a couple might become distant when the woman needs to focus her attention and energy on the baby and the man needs to accept that she does not have the same amount of time and energy to devote to him as before.

It is very often the case that, during this time, a lot of the things that bind you together as a couple change or disappear when children come in, hence why it is important for both of you and your husband to make the kids-free space and time to nurture your own relationship. Some people may think that is selfish but happy parents raise happy children so it is actually for their sake too.

Stephen Biddulph’s book The Secret of Happy Parents comes with a lot of simple ideas on how to make that time and space within your daily routine. Admittedly, it didn’t work for us but then my exh was traveling with work all the time or immersed in his hobbies when at home so, I guess that unless both of you give it a try, there is not much point.

Gosh. Could have written this. What I would say though is that in relationships you’re usually compromising on something.

I have thought long and hard about whether essentially never having sexual fulfilment for the rest of my life is a compromise too far.

But then I think of some of the problems other women have in their relationships, that I read about on here - men who never speak to them; men who don’t have any shared interests with them; men who never do anything kind or thoughtful for them, including remembering their birthdays; men who are casually sexist, or drink too much, or follow loads of love island type influencers on instagram, or never want to do anything but game or watch TV, or who go on seedy stag nights to Amsterdam.

All things I think a lot of people consider normal in relationships. But I would personally rather compromise on sex than any of those things, as companionship and shared values are the most important to me. That may change in the future but it’s how I feel now.

Only you know what you can live with. But as others have said, don’t assume it will always be like this, unless you are 100% certain you never fancied him in the beginning (sadly in my case I am certain). Returning from mat leave is a weird time.