Do men have similar emotions to women and hide them or just not have them?

[Fortheloveof83]

I’m just wondering why are we are so far apart emotionally? Do they have emotions and hide them or are they just not there?

As a women I get fed up for being told that I use emotions as a way of manipulating or wanting something. Why do men and a lot of women now say these things?

You think men don't show happiness? Anger? Frustration?

I see all of these regularly even just with my colleagues at work.

"Emotional" doesn't just mean crying.

So essentially she's the scapegoat child. As she grows they will make it very obvious to her that the other grandchild is 'good' and loved and the favorite and she...Well, clearly there's something wrong or wicked or useless about her.

It's all very sad and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

But at least they don't seem to be actively pursuing cruelty with her atm. Just, don't take her over there, keep her out of their reach as much as possible. It's one thing sensing that your grandparents don't like you...it's a worse thing entirely knowing it for a fact.

Such a good question!

We have to start from the observation that some people appear less emotional than others.

But I guess the question is: are they feeling the same and handling it differently, or do people not have the same feelings?

I read a book recently on cortisol (stress hormone), and how a person’s early experiences shape how they handle and express emotions.

For example, if raised in a non-nurturing environment where someone is expected to comfort themselves, they will hide stress-responses because they don’t expect comfort.

This could give the illusion of not being stressed/sad. And creates a person who is unwilling to provide comfort because that’s not what they expect.

On the flip side, a person encouraged to feel, show and talk about their emotions (response to cortisol stress-hormone) will learn to process them in those ways. And will be available to help others do the same.

Goes without saying that the second way was described as much more healthy!

The first way results in a lack of empathy and ability to handle one’s own emotions. And anecdotally is more often a response seen in men.

The book said that these things feed into attachment theory too: whether you’re emotionally avoidant, anxious or secure.

@Pinkbonbon I’ve no idea what weird shit is going on anymore so removing myself and not making plans to see them is all I can think of. Daughter is loved and spoilt by my family and us so that shit won’t be part of us if I have anything to do with it.

I'm going to be 50 years soon and I have never been told that I use my emotions to manipulate anyone. Not even by my ex who blame me for everything even when he cheated.
I honestly think some people hide them, other show them in an assertive way and other left their emotions to be in control of their lifes. This is applicable for all sexs and genders, however 'as men don't cry' they may hide them in a larger proportion than women.

I seem to remember my late husband adroitly mansplaining the difference between the male and the female brain on an overhead projector thingy while working at the department of Neurospsychiatry at UCL. He found me to be a tad overemotional ...

@Epidote you just haven’t met my FIL!

Men are all different (like women). I have to say that both my dad and my son are two of the most emotional people I know!
In general though I think men both hide emotions and may feel less emotional about things (this is in general!!).
I remember years ago reading something written by a trans man - so born female but transitioned to male. He said as a woman he was a real cryer. Anything could set him off. However as he transitioned and started taking the testosterone he noticed he just never cried anymore. Things that used to make him sob no longer had the same effect. I found it very interesting - to think that testosterone may suppress emotions.

Mainly, its because we're not allowed to have them, or at least display them.

We're not allowed to be upset, or anxious, or happy, or scared, or any number of other emotions. Compared to a lot of men, I'm quite in tune with my emotions, but that's in spite of my upbringing and the world around me, not because of it. I was berated by my Dad for crying, for being worried, for not being confident. I was dumped by my girlfriend for admitting it was slightly scary walking down a dark alley in an unknown city at night. I was clipped round the ear and called a big girl by my Gran for daring to say a view was "pretty"

We're allowed anger, we're allowed irritation. These are expected of us, so thats what we turn negative emotions into. I was so cross after my Mum died. At the world, at everyone, over nothing. And by god I tried to hide it, because DP, DD, family, friends, none of them deserved my ire. But absolutely everyone and everything just pissed me off so much! I wasn't really cross, I was sad, I was grieving. But these are bad emotions, emotions we're taught not to show, so they get bottled up and come out in other, more unhealthy ways instead.

I think things are changing, boys are encouraged to express their emotions more these days. I hope it works, and that we're raising a generation of men who are more open with their emotions, who are able to release them without them coming out as anger.

I also read an interesting thread on the "detrans" subreddit the other day, with posts by a number of women, who'd been on testosterone during their transition, and who had subsequently come off it. A large number of them said that their emotions felt "muted" while on male hormones, that they felt emotions less. They'd still feel happy, sad, scared, upset, excited etc, but just not to the same level. It did make me wonder if maybe testosterone acts as a suppressant to emotion, than maybe men just aren't capable of feeling as strongly as women.

It'd certainly explain why some men seem to be able to cheat so easily, or move on to another relationship so quickly, or abandon their kids without feeling guilt.

I that’s interesting Bobbot . Unless you’d experienced female emotions and then felt the change (muted emotions) testosterone brings about, I guess as a man the ‘muted’ level is totally normal and women's more heightened and rich emotional experiences might look “extreme” hence seeing our complex deeply feeling emotional worlds as a bit much and unnecessary.

It’s mostly just down to people being different. Not all women are “emotional” in the sense I assume you mean. It also comes down to how people are taught, consciously or unconsciously, to be. A lot of men are taught to keep things inside, be strong (or even “manly” 🙄) and that “boys don’t cry”. DH shows his emotions with whoever he’s comfortable with, I know him and his best mate have had heart to heart type chats at various points. DH cried/got choked up during our wedding ceremony and his speech, I didn’t during the ceremony at all. Again, it’s different people being different.

Not all men are the same. Not all women are the same. I am female, but I try never to show emotion in public. I rarely cry, even in private, and I never have arguments or get upset with people around me. I pride myself on (trying to be) cool and logical. That doesn't mean I don't feel emotions, I just don't want to show them.
My husband is very similar. Other couples - male & female - are very different. We don't all conform to stereotypes.

It depends what you call emotional. Yes, men feel anger and frustration but having met a very broad range of men during my 67 years on this planet I can confidently say that they do not feel empathy in the same way as women. Empathy and nurturing are correlated to the part of the brain that deals with communication and pro-social behaviour. Women are (generally) far better than men at the latter and so it follows that their compassionate and empathetic qualities are stronger. As women's brain are hard wired for empathy, we are better atuned to read and act upon other people's emotions and feelings.

To be honest this has been studied to death for women across every age group and culture and the conclusions are pretty unanimous. It really isn't something to be contended.

The men I've been involved with have all been very emotional types, deep, introspective etc. Not afraid to cry. But are also manly. They definitely exist!
I know the general type you refer to though

Women and men all have the same emotions, but we all spend too much time trying to figure out each other I guess lol..

I wouldn't agree with this, we're all different. OH is much more empathic than I am but was raised trying not to show it as it wasn't manly. He's much more open about it now after years with me and raising two girls.

Or, she is using her emotional displays to manipulate people.

I think it is interesting to see men who have just had kids, when their testosterone is lowered. I think they become more emotionally available and feel more deeply, become thoughtful and more aware of others.

Could just be my opinion but my experience is they don't spend a lot of time considering others in daily situations. They prefer to think of themselves as "living in the moment" rather than being thoughtless of course but the "I don't like to plan things" attitude quite a few have is because they want to be able to be selfish and not consider others. I know some men have lower testosterone and maybe emotions and real feelings do get through to them and they can have deeper and more fulfilling relationships?

OP, I was thinking about this a few days ago. I feel like you, that all the men I've met throughout life seem not to care about anything very much except themselves. I do think they are wired differently, and testosterone makes them act differently. Look how many men don't bother to see their kids post breakup. Look at the crime stats. How so many men care more about their work than their families.

I think women find it very difficult to accept how different men are. We don't want to believe it.

Exactly this - life could be a lot easier for women if we defined this more with research and taught kids what they can expect from each other. Women feel cheated because we have been consistently sold a lie of what most men are capable of giving to a family or partner.

It would make sense from an evolutionary perspective - men have to fight and hunt, so would be hampered by too much empathy, etc. Women on the other hand have to raise and nurture infants, so being very attuned to other people's needs and higher in empathy would confer a survival advantage.

See also the reports from trans identified men taking oestrogen who claim it makes them much more emotional and tearful.

My dad is the most emotional person I know. As a child I saw him as an angry man. He wasn't really angry at me (he's always adored me) but angry at the world, angry at everyone else. I never understood the anger as a child but as I grew up it was so obvious that the anger was actually many other emotions in disguise - anxiety, fear, immense sadness, lack of self confidence.
I find it quite sad that many men seem to express anger when actually it's deep pain, sadness or anxiety they feel.

Anger, whilst also not being really acceptable for men to show, is at least a strong and "masculine" emotion.

Many men have stories of where they have been "punished" for being emotionally vulnerable either as children and/or in romantic relationships. This generally means they will hide and repress emotional responses that do not appear strong. Most men do not feel psychologically safe in their relationships to express emotional vulnerability.

Even so, men process emotional responses differently they are much more interested in seeking support to tackle the issue that has led to their emotional response as a way to manage it and then, hopefully, see that it was a valid response to a situation. Women are more interested in seeking the understanding and support of others in feeling that their emotional response is valid prior to seeking to solve the issue underlying it. This is a huge source of conflict between men and women in a relationship.