Bipolar boyfriend broke up with me

[bluerug100]

We were together for six months but friend for years before that. I didn't know much about bipolar before him.

The four months have been the best relationship I've had - other than when his moods kicked in. I learnt to leave him alone to get over them and during that time it was very hard for me.

We had a fallout yesterday, not over anything huge but I sent a meme to him to make it lighthearted and he took it completely the wrong way. He sent me a message saying it's over and blocked me on WhatsApp and Instagram and my number.

I'm so upset. I imagined a future with him and we spoke about marriage and kids. In reality though, I don't know if that would have been wise considering his bipolar but for now, he was great. We had a lot in common, we'd work together, gym together and I could be myself around him. I'm struggling with the no contact but I feel like it's best he ended it when he did rather than me having to do it further down the line as his mood swings would really get to me.

I feel like I'm in mourning. My heart hurts, I'm crying on and off. I went to the gym and cried walking back because it's where we would go together. I'm having to act normal for my child but I just feel so sad. I have no appetite and just miss him so much. Can't believe he would just end it and block me like I meant nothing to him.

Has anyone broken up with a bipolar partner before? Was it for the best?

I don't mean to be offensive to anybody with bipolar disorder, and can't speak for everyone who has it, but have a family member with it. Their partner has put up with so much stress over the years and it has also impacted their kids very negatively. Life is very, very difficult for my family member as a result. It is a miracle they have stayed together. I read a stat that said 95% (could be wrong but something like that) of married couples where one partner has bipolar divorce. The stats are high for a reason. So, if you want to look on the bright side, maybe look at it as an easier life ahead, perhaps a lucky escape.

I can't however speak for those bipolar people who have it under control. I'm sure there are some who manage it with meds ok etc. I don't have experience of this.

But this is from personal experience, and having witnessed it myself I would avoid any such relationship myself. For my own sanity. All the best :)

@naoro thank you, that does make me feel a bit better about this. A lifetime of dealing with his moods would break me. I'm to frame this as then best thing he could have done for me. I wouldn't have ended it.

@bluerug100 yes I think life would be incredibly up and down for you, and I would frame it as maybe the best thing for yourself going forwards. And in terms of considering a family I would not do this myself.

Again no offence intended, I am just speaking from personal experience within my family.

Bipolar diagnosis or not, anyone who holds you hostage to their emotions is not solid, healthy, long term relationship material.

I know this doesn’t help the hurt, but I hope in time it does. And this might be something else, (manipulation/ love bombing/ discard/ hoover cycle) so please don’t take him back if he unblocks you and reaches out again.

bipolar people do not also need to engage in emotionally abusive behavior, which is what abrupt abandonment is. He’s responsible for his actions and choices; I wouldn’t make apologetics for his behavior just because of a label.

Big hugs and wishing you healing. Breakups suck, and they hurt, and abrupt ones are even worse, because we have to sit with our childhood abandonment stuff that’s been triggered.

I am in a similar position to yourself OP. Was in a relationship for 7 months with someone that had bipolar and they constantly had mental episodes.

They would go from being so happy and loving to literally shouting and screaming. They had even left my flat (bearing in mind it was a town unfamiliar to them) and they walked down the street in their pyjamas at 2am in the morning! I had to go and drive to find them and bring them home.
Another incident where we was lying in bed and they became sexually frustrated because I wasn’t in the mood for making love (14 hours at work that day so was knackered) - they went to the kitchen and picked up kitchen knives and held it to their throat. From that day onwards, I had to lock the kitchen knives away and only I would use them.

We had a big argument and her mother got involved (there is another chapter to the story but it will make me so identifiable as their mum uses MN) and this is what ended the relationship.

They blocked me on everything. I moved my job and relocated for them and everything. Life is shit but I’ll pick up the pieces.

The fallout over nothing huge may not have been nothing huge to him. Being bipolar does occasionally mean we take something very much out of proportion whether there's any logic behind it or not.

You might not even have known that this has been the situation on previous occasions and your making light of it this time with a meme, instead of adult conversation, might just be the last straw for him.

He may be going through a period of struggling to control his mood and if so then it is for the best for him not to be in a relationship, especially with someone with no experience. Not your fault that you don't have the experience.

However only being together 6 months and talking marriage and kids is a red flag.

There's a song called Issues by Julia Michaels says "I could love you just like that, and I could leave you just as fast.", it's very apt to many personality disorders.

For your own sake, you are probably best not to be in a relationship with someone with any form of one and try to take the next one a lot slower.

I also found that they would always ask for re-assurance. They got paranoid that I was going out to work events and thought I’d go and meet someone else (which isn’t me) - I loved that person to pieces and still have feelings for them which is fucking hard right now!!

You have a child to consider, a relationship with someone with mental health issues that aren't well controlled is not someone to be having a relationship with IMO. You need to be stable and consistent for your child, and someone who is so up and down is going to impact on you and so on your child - you're now feeling really sad and affected by this. So if/when his mood changes and he wants things back on you need to be ready to say this isn't for you.

Living with someone bipolar is very, very hard and the bad times can (and usually do) outweigh the good.

I have a family member with bipolar. Going into a long-term relationship with a person with bipolar is no tea party. Knowing what I now know, I could not recommend anyone chooses to partner up with someone with a serious mental health condition like that.

Assume none of you have neuro divergent children to be so freely critical of serious mental health conditions.

Talking marriage and kids less than 6 months into a relationship or moving jobs and locations less than 7 months in, is not reasonable, measured, emotional maturity or exactly healthy in my opinion even with someone who is neuro typical but the blame is placed on the person who doesn't have control of their mental illness 🤷

I don't think it was too soon to be talking marriage and kids, I believe discussing these things early on ensures we are on the same page. However, I absolutely did move so fast, partly because we were friends for almost a decade before that, although not close, but someone I'd be on the phone to for hours just talking.

People with bipolar and other mental illnesses deserve love also and that's why I stuck around after the first, second and other times he had his mood swings. I told myself that he can't help it and he'd be apologetic and reassuring after he came around. However, it's so tough to handle, especially as I'm quite sensitive. I'm focusing on thinking he did me a favour.

I absolutely believe my son deserves the best version of me and being with him won't bring that out of me when his moods hit. I am still hoping he will contact me though which I know I shouldn't. I'm not contacting him - he's blocked me on most platforms.

We were also working on a business together which has made things harder to process. I've lost my boyfriend, friend and business partner.

I hate this feeling. I forgot what a breakup feels like. Thanks for the positive words from people, and those sharing their experiences as they do help reassure me that this is the best thing.

Like a pp, I have a family member with bipolar. He had two kids with his ex and it was very, very hard for her due to his unpredictable behaviour. They eventually split up, I don't blame her for having had enough tbh.

Something like 20% of bipolar people also have borderline personality disorder.

Constantly needing reassurance can be part of that. Not to say this was definitely the case of course.

Actually, I am autistic. I also live with ptsd.
my comment comes firmly from my experience of working on myself and how I build relationships with others. Healthy, respectful, compassionate relationships that are not abusive… with good communication practices.

dealing with mental illness may be a reason , but it’s NEVER an excuse.

also: autism is not a mental illness. Nor is adhd As an aside.

Someone doesn’t have to endure abuse and excuse it away like this. Absolutely inappropriate to suggest that anyone should ever - especially with a young child!- think of themselves as the “bad guy” if they don’t accept shitty treatment.

I don’t care where the shitty treatment stems from: there is NO excuse.

people who live with conditions can learn to be aware. We can learn to say “I am going to take some time to myself, because I’m going through something, but I love you and you are safe.”
we can learn to say “what you sent me has triggered me, and here’s why,” rather than judging an entire person on a fcking meme or text.

we can GROW UP and become emotionally responsible humans.

it’s actually quite ableist to assume someone neurodivergent or bipolar - or ANY diagnosis- is not capable, and therefore not responsible.

Absolutely agree with pp. There is a little thing called communication which allows grown adults to discuss their needs, feelings and emotions.

Disorders or nerodivergance is not an excuse for rage fits or to blame all your problems on other people or to consistently act like a brat without apology.

It might be part of the reason why they behave that way...but it's not an excuse for the behaviour.

Worth noting that plenty of bipolar people, are also, just assholes. Same as the percentage of other folk.

OP I think it’s not helping you to understand or respond to this behaviour to label it as being all about having had a bipolar partner.
I have bipolar and I’m not particularly thin skinned - it’s more about having months of being happy and high energy/out going and then months of feeling flat and a bit unmotivated, though I trundle on.
My relationships are stable and fairly undramatic - and my values never really change, it’s more of a biochemical buzz that I feel and have to try and calm down. My bipolar is well managed, not without effort, but the other bipolar folk I know also manage their condition well.
There’s a lot of vast broad-brushing and to be honest, discriminatory and unevidenced discussion on this thread.
I’m sorry for what you’ve been through but I think the question you are posting (‘has anyone broken up with a bipolar partner before and was it for the best’) is leading a very inappropriate conversation.

I suspect my ex had my bipolar. He dumped me three times over a 1.5 year relationship. Each time he would block me on everything. The last time though, like you I said something that was meant to be light hearted, but he took it badly and that was that. Never heard from him again.

This was nearly 5 years ago and I am still traumatised and devastated by the whole thing and the lack of closure.

I have a great boyfriend now of 4 years who has never dumped me and never is dramatic or emotional.

I've read that men can often be misdiagnosed with bipolar when they actually have borderline personality disorder. The reason I bring this up is because i was with someone who also had bipolar but later turned out to be bpd. One thing i noticed with him that also sounds similarly in your situation is his mood would change within a day, whereas people with bipolar often have depression for weeks/months.

Regardless, i was with my ex for a year and it was the most draining relationship, he asked me to move in quickly and then had constant doubts about me, low moods for days that centred around our relationship, and after a year he abruptly broke up with me and immediately whilst i was still living there started messaging another woman. It devastated me as i was so in love with him but honestly, i think he has done you a favour, you might not see it yet but trust me, living with someone like this is very difficult

Me! I have been diagnosed with both.

The way you're feeling is a perfectly normal way to feel in the immediate aftermath of being dumped harshly and abruptly. Bipolar or not.

Neurodivergence is not mental illness. I don't need a ND child to know that. Perhaps educate yourself before criticising others.

He's done you a favour, don't bring children into this. Seriously, he sounds like my dad. Our whole childhoods were either trying desperately to make him happy or hiding from him and his moods. It's not fair.

I agree with @DatingDinosaur
I had a relationship, for many years, with a man who was BiPolar & who was unwilling to take meds. He was sectioned 4 times in the last 5 years of his life. It was distressing all around. He struggled to take responsibility for anything but I do not know if that is an especially BiPolar trait as he was also dx with paranoid schizophrenia.
We did not have children.
I also had a long marriage to a man with ASD (not a MH condition). He was totally unwilling to take responsibility for anything. We did have children.
Both relationships were difficult in different ways. It is hard to maintain boundaries around someone when you love them deeply, but for your own MH it is essential (& also to be useful for them too). Adding children to any relationship is hard but you'd need very good outside support I think if your partner has significant struggles of their own.

Also re. having kids, the other thing to consider is the genetic heritability of bipolar disorder. There is a higher than normal chance your kids could end up with it.