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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Done nothing wrong or have I?

39 replies

Lauryn95 · 10/06/2024 13:04

So I'm 28 and single I manage a bar and over the years I've grown quite close to one of the regulars who is late 40s ,I consider him a close friend now ,he's always been there emotionally had great advice etc we talk via social media and in person mostly while I'm at work I've spoken with his wife a couple times he's helped me out with favours diy etc been to his for a bbq ,that's the extent of the relationship we have and up until recently I didn't feel as though anything I was doing was in anyway inappropriate, Until his wife came in to work when it was my day off and I was drinking, asked me to go to the toilets with her so I did thinking maybe she just wanted to talk or needed help or something so ofc I went with her only to discover she was going to lay into me about her husband and I, She accused me of having an affair called me a stupid little slg screaming asking how long etc I kept saying there's nothing going on he's just my friend I kept saying why are you accusing me of this etc she said she saw him messaging me ,I tried to show her the messages she wasn't interested just kept on calling me names saying she knows my type and how it's my fault he sleeps in a spare bed (didn't know this or have any idea of his issues with her etc It's not like we talk about that stuff) then I said I'm mot listening to this you need to talk to your husband because I have not done anything wrong here and tried to leave the toilet and she literally grabbed me from behind as I was walking out and then threw me against the wall ,a 50 year old grown woman and then put her hand like on my neck pinning me to the wall so I was like erm get the fck off of me don't touch me! She started calling me a dirty slapper! And didn't let go so I like pushed her back and said f*ck off you freak and literally ran out the toilets and then she didn't follow I drank abit of my drink that was left on the bar then saw her leave the whole pub I was like shaking and sorta in shock then my friend that was working asked wtf are you okay you seem so weird so I told him and started crying then told him anyway, I called in sick the next day from the anxiety and I've ignored his messages (the husband's).
What do all of you think about this did I cross a line ? Would you react like that if you saw your husband was messaging the local younger bar maid ? I know the physical part was wrong but I mean to think he's having an affair ? Was it inappropriate to engage in a friendship ,is it my fault? Do I tell him what happened? is she unreasonable? what's the next steps ,what if she starts telling other people then I'm like known as a homewrecker when I truly know it's absolutely nothing like that !! Do I meet up to talk with her or just ignore it ,I don't knowwww

OP posts:
ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie · 10/06/2024 13:16

Report her to the police for assault.

Whether you are or aren't having an affair is irrelevant. Some will say it was an EA, others will disagree. But what is for sure is that no one has the right to attack you.

marmiteandminticecream · 10/06/2024 13:17

well in your eyes you haven't done anything wrong because to you it was platonic but maybe he had feelings for you and his wife as picked up on it
if i were you a would give him a wide berth and tel him to talk to his wife

ShinyBandana · 10/06/2024 13:26

Omg, I’d report the assault to the police.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 10/06/2024 13:36

Report her to the police firstly.

Has he given any indication that he's attracted to you in all the time you have been talking? I'd be concerned what he's told her about you

Lauryn95 · 10/06/2024 13:39

It's really made me feel sh*t because its all completely innocent ,No flirting nothing like that ,I would literally let her trawl back to the start on my phone and take as long as she wanted going through it all and walk away because I know she wouldn't find anything to do with any physical or emotional affair, it's really upset me, I know I should really go to police but I don't want too because as bad as it is I've worked in the industry for 10 years and there's always always fights etc that happen in the toilets of pubs etc and nearly all of them they don't do a single thing because there's no proof it's the only place there's no cameras but maybe I should however she works in a hospital so though what she did was awful behaviour I don't want her to lose her job over it she's quite a popular person around here and ive only lived here a few years ,I don't want to end up being the publics enemy ,I know that might seem ridiculous to some but I really don't want the stress of the fallout of it! She is barred from every single venue around the area because that's what happens if you assault a member of staff ,it's like a pact ,so at least I know she can't come in again that's one thing. I should report it but I just feel like it'll do more harm

OP posts:
Savemydrink · 10/06/2024 13:45

Physically attacking you was wrong. You were assaulted.

From her point of view, I can see why she was mad. I would not like my partner swapping messages and completing diy jobs for a woman he met down the pub. Having said that, I wouldn’t be racing down the pub to attack you.

He on the other hand might be cooking his own dinner and doing his own laundry unless he can convince me it was indeed innocent.

Chillilounger · 10/06/2024 13:49

Report it. You don't need to press charges but the police can send someone around to talk to her so it won't happen again. Next time you see the husband tell him to sort his wife out. Personally I wouldn't be changing my behaviour though. This is her issue.

MaryMack · 10/06/2024 13:51

Report the assault to the police now. You’re the innocent party. Why should she get away with beating you up over her husband’s friendship with you?

Lauryn95 · 10/06/2024 13:52

Idontjetwashthefucker · 10/06/2024 13:36

Report her to the police firstly.

Has he given any indication that he's attracted to you in all the time you have been talking? I'd be concerned what he's told her about you

Not really, He'd make comments like say I'd dyed My hair etc he'd say oh your hair looks nice or something but that's what everybody does or like one time when I came back after maternity leave he made a comment about how good I was looking but not like in a Pervy way it was just something like "looking good to say you've a new baby ,expected you to be covered in sick with bags under your eyes" . Like in a joking way ,He's a really friendly approachable popular guy ,he speaks to literally everyone it's not like it's just me aswell

OP posts:
Growlybear83 · 10/06/2024 13:55

From what you've said, I don't think you've done anything wrong at all. Unfortunately some people find it hard to understand that men and women can have completely platonic friendships, and this woman is obviously one of them. I would be inclined to tell your friend what his wife has done when you next see him, and you might be able to judge from his reaction whether this might have happened because he has developed feelings for you that go beyond friendship. But even if that's the case, that isn't your fault and the wife was very out of order to do what she did. However, I really don't think it's the answer to report her to the police, it will only make things worse.

Lauryn95 · 10/06/2024 13:55

Savemydrink · 10/06/2024 13:45

Physically attacking you was wrong. You were assaulted.

From her point of view, I can see why she was mad. I would not like my partner swapping messages and completing diy jobs for a woman he met down the pub. Having said that, I wouldn’t be racing down the pub to attack you.

He on the other hand might be cooking his own dinner and doing his own laundry unless he can convince me it was indeed innocent.

No it's not that he's completed diy jobs for me he lives round the corner and I'd be like do you have a tool for this etc for example I needed a planer after I had new carpets and he leant Me one and showed me what to do then left

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/06/2024 13:57

Report this assault to the police. You really need to. If I were you, I would also stop communicating with this man, regardless of how nice he is, and I would tell him why. You don't need this bullshit in your life.

Errors · 10/06/2024 14:22

Oh stay away from both of them OP. You sound totally innocent to me. You don’t know what he might be saying about you at home and that might be why she has kicked off but it does NOT excuse her behaviour. You poor thing, I hope you aren’t too shaken!

haddockfortea · 10/06/2024 14:36

You need to report her to the police for assault.

Lavenderblossoms · 10/06/2024 14:44

Please report her. Regardless of how popular is or her job, she shouldn't be allowed to just grab people op. Even worse if she works in a hospital. I wouldn't want her dealing with patients or whatever if she's like that.

Kneenightmare · 10/06/2024 14:47

She is 100% in the wrong, however men in their 40s rarely strike up a platonic friendship with a woman in their 20s without hoping it turns into something else even if that’s further down the line.
I didn’t really think about this at the time but the men who were so keen to be friends and help me out in my 20s have all strangely disappeared now I’m in my 40s.

TheTartfulLodger · 10/06/2024 14:57

Well you certainly need to know why she thinks something is going on. Has he been back since? You say you've ignored his messages afterwards but what did he actually say? Did he acknowledge she had been there and accused you of having an affair?

EveningSpread · 10/06/2024 15:05

She is 100% in the wrong for treating you like that. If she is a problem with her husband’s behaviour she should address it with him, not take it out on you.

It does sound like you might be a bit naive though. It’s unlikely the wives of married men will enjoy them giving lots of attention to a younger woman. Such friendships - even if you’re sure they’re innocent - need conducting carefully and transparently. Private messaging and chatting about personal things with a married man is always likely to cause upset somewhere.

Lauryn95 · 10/06/2024 15:07

Growlybear83 · 10/06/2024 13:55

From what you've said, I don't think you've done anything wrong at all. Unfortunately some people find it hard to understand that men and women can have completely platonic friendships, and this woman is obviously one of them. I would be inclined to tell your friend what his wife has done when you next see him, and you might be able to judge from his reaction whether this might have happened because he has developed feelings for you that go beyond friendship. But even if that's the case, that isn't your fault and the wife was very out of order to do what she did. However, I really don't think it's the answer to report her to the police, it will only make things worse.

Edited

I know and as a single woman in her late 20s I'm not exactly margot Robbie but I'm also not unnatractive I can look okay when I really make an effort and not in Mum mode ,If I wanted to sleep with people I wouldn't be going round sleeping with other people's husbands that are like 20 years older than me! Doesn't really do it for me as a Mum with a bloody 6 month old baby! But yeah it's really upset me because I don't have any sort of reputation like that ,I've been with same bloke for 10 years since we were 18 ,yeah in separated now but I'm very much not seeing anyone else I don't even want too yet ,still not fully accepted my post baby body or anything, not that kind of person at all and I'm absolutely doing my head in worried that that's what I'm gonna be known as all over something totally innocent but like in my head I know how people are even if it isn't true people will still believe the gossip and also that's the first time anyone's ever like started on me in my life and for it to happen now as a mum who mostly just keeps herself to herself and for it to be by someone who's got kids not much younger than me has proper shook me and I do bae myself cause I do think oh maybe I should've just ignored it after all its someone's husband but like it was never like that and it's not like I'd even fathom it being like that because he's so much older and married I never ever even thought I shouldn't be friendly with him or turn down his offer to help me with stuff and like I said before I'd spoken to his wife before like they'd invited me to a bbq before etc and it's one of them if I bumped into them in the supermarket etc I'd be chatting to them both like friends they'd be like how you getting on etc how's the kids or how's this etc just normal chit chat

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 10/06/2024 15:12

What happened was wrong but I'm a long term single parent and wouldn't go out of my way to start messaging the married school dads, even about school stuff. Not appropriate.

TheTartfulLodger · 10/06/2024 15:17

Lauryn95 · 10/06/2024 15:07

I know and as a single woman in her late 20s I'm not exactly margot Robbie but I'm also not unnatractive I can look okay when I really make an effort and not in Mum mode ,If I wanted to sleep with people I wouldn't be going round sleeping with other people's husbands that are like 20 years older than me! Doesn't really do it for me as a Mum with a bloody 6 month old baby! But yeah it's really upset me because I don't have any sort of reputation like that ,I've been with same bloke for 10 years since we were 18 ,yeah in separated now but I'm very much not seeing anyone else I don't even want too yet ,still not fully accepted my post baby body or anything, not that kind of person at all and I'm absolutely doing my head in worried that that's what I'm gonna be known as all over something totally innocent but like in my head I know how people are even if it isn't true people will still believe the gossip and also that's the first time anyone's ever like started on me in my life and for it to happen now as a mum who mostly just keeps herself to herself and for it to be by someone who's got kids not much younger than me has proper shook me and I do bae myself cause I do think oh maybe I should've just ignored it after all its someone's husband but like it was never like that and it's not like I'd even fathom it being like that because he's so much older and married I never ever even thought I shouldn't be friendly with him or turn down his offer to help me with stuff and like I said before I'd spoken to his wife before like they'd invited me to a bbq before etc and it's one of them if I bumped into them in the supermarket etc I'd be chatting to them both like friends they'd be like how you getting on etc how's the kids or how's this etc just normal chit chat

Well something clearly changed at least in her interpretation of you being just friends. Maybe you were a little naive to get as friendly. In hospitality you get men lusting after barmaids all the time or being over friendly and it does seem this was fine at first but something has changed. Has be been popping round more often to help you or texting more often? She obviously feels a line has now been crossed where this is more than just being friends. It's possible she was never comfortable with it but just kept a lid on it. What is he saying about it?

OrlandointheWilderness · 10/06/2024 15:27

Oh come on - of course you know its a bit inappropriate! If it was your DH I'm assuming a close friendship with a young single woman isn't something you would want. There should be boundaries. Yes by all means be friendly and chatty but it's blurring the lines and while it might be purely platonic for you, it sounds like it's causing an issue.

Report the assault. Well out of line - no one should assault you. Suspecting your DH is cheating is soul wrenchingly awful and the pain can make people do some funny things, but that doesn't give her justification to behave in that manner.

WestCorkGal · 10/06/2024 15:36

Friendships with straight married men just don't work. Friendly is fine. Friendship by definition implies emotional closeness and support and the nuances of this can be lost by any of the ppl involved. Your friend! His wife!
I wish it were different but I realised about 10yrs into marriage that I had no male friends I see alone because...it confuses ppl and doesnt feel right and ppl will talk.
One man is enough

LifeExperience · 10/06/2024 15:41

File an assault charge. No one has the right to do that to anyone else, regardless of circumstances.

Nottherealslimshady · 10/06/2024 15:49

If I thought my partner was cheating I'd be taking that to him, not assaulting some random woman from the pub.
Whether you're shagging her husband or not.

There's only two people responsible for their relationship breakdown and its them.

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