Done nothing wrong or have I?

[Lauryn95]

So I'm 28 and single I manage a bar and over the years I've grown quite close to one of the regulars who is late 40s ,I consider him a close friend now ,he's always been there emotionally had great advice etc we talk via social media and in person mostly while I'm at work I've spoken with his wife a couple times he's helped me out with favours diy etc been to his for a bbq ,that's the extent of the relationship we have and up until recently I didn't feel as though anything I was doing was in anyway inappropriate, Until his wife came in to work when it was my day off and I was drinking, asked me to go to the toilets with her so I did thinking maybe she just wanted to talk or needed help or something so ofc I went with her only to discover she was going to lay into me about her husband and I, She accused me of having an affair called me a stupid little slg screaming asking how long etc I kept saying there's nothing going on he's just my friend I kept saying why are you accusing me of this etc she said she saw him messaging me ,I tried to show her the messages she wasn't interested just kept on calling me names saying she knows my type and how it's my fault he sleeps in a spare bed (didn't know this or have any idea of his issues with her etc It's not like we talk about that stuff) then I said I'm mot listening to this you need to talk to your husband because I have not done anything wrong here and tried to leave the toilet and she literally grabbed me from behind as I was walking out and then threw me against the wall ,a 50 year old grown woman and then put her hand like on my neck pinning me to the wall so I was like erm get the fck off of me don't touch me! She started calling me a dirty slapper! And didn't let go so I like pushed her back and said f*ck off you freak and literally ran out the toilets and then she didn't follow I drank abit of my drink that was left on the bar then saw her leave the whole pub I was like shaking and sorta in shock then my friend that was working asked wtf are you okay you seem so weird so I told him and started crying then told him anyway, I called in sick the next day from the anxiety and I've ignored his messages (the husband's).
What do all of you think about this did I cross a line ? Would you react like that if you saw your husband was messaging the local younger bar maid ? I know the physical part was wrong but I mean to think he's having an affair ? Was it inappropriate to engage in a friendship ,is it my fault? Do I tell him what happened? is she unreasonable? what's the next steps ,what if she starts telling other people then I'm like known as a homewrecker when I truly know it's absolutely nothing like that !! Do I meet up to talk with her or just ignore it ,I don't knowwww

She should not have assaulted you, period. However, I still think you have acted inappropriately and been very naive. The wife must think boundaries have been crossed and to think an affair, emotional or physical must be going on, would be heart breaking. Your constant texting and him going round to help you with diy have started countless affairs. You only have to read mn for this to be true.

What has he said about it?

She was absolutely and unquestionably in the wrong to physically assault you, no two ways about that, but cmon op, let’s not be silly, you must be able to see why she’d find this a bit inappropriate! There’s naive then there’s this, I think. You may know full well that the feelings your side are platonic but she sees a younger, newly single woman chatting away to her husband, messaging him and relying on him to ‘save the day’ with tools etc. it’s a shame that it’s come to this, but stranger assumptions have been made.

Does this area have CCTV? Probably not but worth checking.
Most posters are telling you to report it - will you? You ought to. Who knows what she may do next.

This was obviously a terrifying experience OP and the woman who attacked you was in the wrong, not to say dangerously unhinged - whatever she thought was going on.

But you're young, and I hope you can take something from this for the future. This might sound mad to you, but in my experience...

Any man who comments on your appearance in any way - joshingly, mildly, neutrally, positively or negatively - is engaging with you on an intimate level.

Even if you don't think he is. Even if you've known each other for ages, you're definitely just friends cos you don't fancy him, and he's never given you cause to think he fancies you. Even if it's only bantz. Or because you looked like you needed cheering up.

He's buttering you up. Same goes for 'doing little jobs to help out a mate'.

Sorry if it comes as a nasty surprise that people, men in this case, can have ulterior motives behind that sympathetic ear. But take it from someone who's been in this situation as a single mum - few things in life come without strings. Especially where older men and younger women are concerned!

How a man chooses to take your friendliness is NOT your doing, or your problem.
r*pe culture says that what we wear, how we behave, etc,
make us responsible for men’s choices, and it’s just not true.
I had this happen - a woman messaged me to accuse me of - I’m still not sure what - but basically, I had been as blandly friendly to her and her husband both as I am with everyone. It was utterly mad - and for a while, I questioned myself like you’re doing now.

but please don’t take this on. You did NOTHING wrong. You need to be safe to be yourself in the world, no matter what asshole men want to do or think. How could you possibly control or be in charge of their behavior?

she went mad because of HIS feelings and behavior in their marriage. It was so beyond inappropriate.

please keep being your kind self bravely in the world.

Oh - just one addition. As a librarian, I can’t give my phone number out to patrons. Maybe follow that rule, and don’t text - that’s the one breach of professional lines that might keep you safer going forward.
and you’re still not responsible for the choices of assholes.

Thing is alot of my friends and acquaintances are middle aged men as I manage a pub so alot of people ,nearly all in the industry and my circle do happen to be older men ,other landlords ,accountants ,treasurers, comitte members ,councillors etc mostly are older men ,it's a very male dominated industry and I've never had an issue like this ever before, Alot of my customers are older men,Just how it is ,will be more careful from now on though for sure ,Definitely was too naive but when your intentions are pure your mind just doesn't go there

This may be the case, but if you exchange personal messages with all these older married men and borrow their tools, you can maybe expect a queue of irate wives at your door. Simple solution, Do not exchange phone numbers with married men and buy you own diy tools.

OP you've done nothing wrong. She should question why he was going to the pub so much! it's no mystery (probably escaping his nutjob wife) It's not like he started going just for you if he didn't even know you before working there ? I have had an experience where a married man 20 years older than me was emotionally attatched in a bad way. the Man in my story did have feelings and trust me , if for him it was an emotional affair or anything like that,You'd definitely know after years of knowing him. Some of these replies are stupid ,If he was trying to shag you he'd have been telling you all about how he's in the spare bed and trying to doing the jobs FOR YOU not lending you the tools smh. He'd be telling you he's so unhappy and miserable and thinking of leaving her ,She sounds jealous and insecure and probably knows the real reason he's in the spare bedroom but would rather take it out on you instead of deal with it like a grown woman should do. She sounds unhinged and she should be reported Can another member of staff report the assault so you don't get the immediate blame? Because i do understand not wanting to make things worse ,If you wasn't working just get them to report it as though you were any other customer. Mad how women get older but don't grow up. Especially someone in a job working with vulnerable people. I'd be telling everyone your side of the story not being scared because keeping quiet might make you look guilty. It's not your fault you're youthful ,presumably attractive and friendly with a man in an innocent way. No wonder men leave and do actually have affairs, I wouldn't want a partner who didn't trust me and acted genuinely freaking nuts over it strangling girls without even talking to me ,Also if you were invited to his house to be around his wife you can bet he wasn't trying to have an affair. Takes a real kind of stupid to do something like that IF he had those intentions.

I haven't exchanged numbers with him ,like I said it's through social media ,we're Facebook friends ,Kinda sad how people can't help eachother out though ,is that really what it's come too ,A world where someone offers to lend you something they know you need and then you have to say no thankyou I'll spend 300 pound on it just incase we get accused of having an affair ,I mean thinking about it maybe I can understand if he hadn't been telling her what he was doing then that would look shady but why on earth would I think he wasn't telling her ? Thought married people tell eachother stuff like that ,I can't know what I don't know

You are so right! I hadn't thought of it like that ,yeah he told me he's been a regular way before I came along . He's even coming in less over the years I've worked there ,wouldnt he be coming more if he fancied me and wanted an affair ,Thankyou for making me realise that obviously they have a troubled relationship and it's nothing to do with me ,I knew already I hadn't done anything wrong, it's just the thought of people thinking that mainly getting me down ,I will ask the owner what he thinks I should do in terms of reporting it and if maybe he can do it ,I never knew they were unhappy and like you said if he wanted to bed me why would he act like everything is great at home 👍 thankyou

His wife has issues, menopause on top too most likely- though its no excuse. He and you did exactly what you should when a friendship is not an affair. You went to their barbecue, and met her too. That is an example of being above board and not hiding anything. I'm thinking maybe at the time she'd been drinking quite a bit herself, then someone shitstirred and joked about you to her maybe. Up to you what you do, if he asks why you are ignoring him, I think you should tell him exactly what she did.

If they’re customers they’re not strictly friends though are they. They are men you know in a specific capacity, which I presume is them out drinking without their wives and chatting to you, a younger woman who is obliged by her job to be hospitable and friendly to them.

Messaging them on social media blurs those boundaries. I wouldn’t do it, my DP wouldn’t do it - it’s just unwise. What’s to be gained? And a lot could go wrong!

But you do not deserve to be assaulted! Sounds like the husband has done/said something to do with you to make the wife angry and jealous even though you’ve previously all been friendly. Men will often pretend the friendship is platonic to keep you comfortable while really enjoying the ego boost of the attention/lusting after you.

Focus on your real friends, not these circumstantial acquaintances, who should be kept at arm’s length!