Sis in law driving me insane, what to do?

[cl0udylem0nade]

I've always tried to be the "listener" and give people the time of day but I've realised I should've never gotten close to my sister in law because despite the way she portrayed herself at first, my husband and his family were right about her being a mess.

She's put herself in difficult situations and seems to think I'm always available for a chat, she proceeds to tell me information I wish I'd never known about her life and she tells me not to tell her brother and it puts me in very awkward situations.

I've told her not to tell me about things which her brother shouldn't know about and she stops for a while and then starts again, especially when she's had a drink which is pretty much everyday. She makes unreasonable asks and expects everyone to drop what they're doing for her.

I've tried to distance myself by not answering her calls but she calls NON STOP. She has no idea about boundaries and if I don't answer the phone she will continue to call one time after the other and then send messages.
I can't live my life like this. I have a million and one things on my plate but she seems to think her issues are also mine to be shared.

She asks for advice and when I give her advice she raises her voice at me so I've just said to myself that enough is enough and I haven't been answering her.
How do I break it down to her nicely that her phone calls are too much and I have a lot to be getting on with and she's disrupting my peace of mind? I'm not one for confrontation or arguments so I'd like to keep things peaceful if possible.

Stop answering the phone. So what if she sends messages? If she's got no idea about boundaries, you're going to have to be the one who sets them out.

She gets a response from you if she phones and messages enough, so you're communicating to her that you are always/mostly going to be available.

Don't answer the phone. Send a message saying you are busy and not able to speak and you will call her 7pm *whatever time suits you.

Take control.

I think you might have to sit her down and explain that you can't do this anymore and that she needs to find a therapist.

Act differently yourself. She won’t so you do. I wrote this on another thread but people who lack boundaries and try to get others to meet their needs, emotionally immature people don’t obey social rules. They rely on you obeying the social rules of being polite to their constant overstepping so you have to learn not to obey rules that they themselves completely disregard. When you do they pout for a bit before going off and finding their next sucker.

It sounds like she needs therapy and is maybe using alcohol to help her try and feel she's coping better with her life? Has she any friends she talks to - or are they equally at the end of their tether? You need to have a calm chat with her when she's sober and let her know your acceptable boundaries and that if she oversteps you'll block her

Block her- then she might bother her brother instead?

Probably not possible, so in which case. Chat to her and say- I cannot cope with the volume of calls and texts, it is too much. What can we do to resolve it?

Then I would block from 7am-9pm everyday!

Just set aside one night per week for her. Say you’ll go round on x night. Listen to her then tell her it’s a busy week and you’ll see her next week for another catch up. Then block the rest of the time. She is not being considerate of you so why do you feel you have to be considerate of her?

She definitely needs therapy, it's been suggested to her so many times. Her new bloke is toxic and got her to cut off all her friends, another thing I've tried to warn her about multiple times but she doesn't listen. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to know her business anymore or for her to ask for any more advise if she does the opposite. Of course I'll always be here if she really needs help but right now I just can't cope with the unnecessary phone calls

Stand up for yourself. Tell her you won't be answering her calls any more and then block her number.

@cl0udylem0nade do you have an iphone? If so you can go to Settings, Focus and set up Personal Focus to temporarily mute calls and text from SIL. At least I think so.
https://support.apple.com/en-gb/guide/iphone/iphd6288a67f/ios

Block her and tell her to deal with your brother. It's time for boundaries and a backbone.

@cl0udylem0nade I'm maybe reading your posts all wrong - you said: Her new bloke is toxic and got her to cut off all her friends, another thing I've tried to warn her about multiple times but she doesn't listen.

so she is an ex sister-in -law then? Is that right? I'm very confused ( not difficult I should add!)

Tell her upfront that you are fed up with her. Put the phone down if she calls.

She's one of those people who always wants more from you. You give an inch and she takes a mile, and she's probably used to getting her way as people are too polite to stand up to her. If nobody tells her no then she will continue with this behaviour, so you need to tell her to stop.

You could try the hints about being busy all week as others have suggested but she might not be great at getting the hint, so although it's awkward I think you need to tell her to stop it.

Block her don't answer dont txt back. You can tell her you are sorry but you have a lot on your plate, that you have asked her to stop oversharing. Just do it there is no other way. She won't change her behaviour so you need to change your reaction.

This is sad. She sounds lonely and in need of professional help. I understand why she's driving you batty, but she also just screams lonely to me. Especially so if her boyfriend is abusive. Remember on that front that it's not just your SIL; it takes victims an average of eleven times to leave abusers for good. Emotional abuse is extremely effective on just about everyone who experiences it.

If the bulk of relationships in her life have been toxic and lacking in boundaries, she may not even be completely aware that she's overstepping with you. It's not uncommon for victims of abuse to adopt the traits of their abuser(s).

Which is not to say that any of this then becomes your responsibility. It's just to consider that perhaps there's a healthy version of your SIL in there that you could have a good relationship with, and maybe a family meeting could be arranged to figure out amongst you how best to help her. Which may well end up being leave her to it and make sure she's aware you're all there when she leaves, but perhaps there are other avenues to explore first.

Tell her this:

’Mavis, I am not a counsellor and your expectations of me are greater than my capacity to cope. I am exhausted with trying to manage my own life and support you and I cannot do it anymore. I strongly recommend seeking professional help because I am not able to act as your sounding board and occasional punch bag anymore.’

Then mute.

Op, come on now. BLOCK HER. It's not hard. She won't respect your boundaries so she gets blocked, and I would tell her why.

Perfect.

Block her number. .

If you block her or don't reply she will blow up. There is no reasoning with people like her. What I do is respond with an emoji, or a one line message, that says can’t talk, at work. I also try and acknowledge her pain/trouble without engaging any deeper. Like. That must be difficult for you. I hear you. Take care.

You don’t have to block her, but you could mute her so you don’t get notifications for her calls and messages.

And you can just send her a text saying, “SIL, I’m sorry, I know I’ve been available to listen to your problems a lot in the past, and try to help, but right now I just have so much on my plate and so many problems of my own that I don’t think I have the emotional or mental capacity to help other people with their problems at the moment. I’m just a bit overloaded and burnt out. Hope you’re doing ok.”

Bit of a weak ending, but I’d probably say something like that 😅

This isn't your responsibility.

I'd be telling her husband that she's calling you constantly etc and can't deal with it anymore and then block her number.

Sounds harsh but you have yourself and your own family to look after.

I think you need to be straight with her.

You're not her therapist and she doesn't like your advice so I'd tell her or ask your husband to if she's aggressive that it has to stop and go seek help.

If someone tells you their relatives a nightmare they’ve learnt from experience.

It was very silly of you not to listen to your partner.