Sis in law driving me insane, what to do?

[cl0udylem0nade]

I've always tried to be the "listener" and give people the time of day but I've realised I should've never gotten close to my sister in law because despite the way she portrayed herself at first, my husband and his family were right about her being a mess.

She's put herself in difficult situations and seems to think I'm always available for a chat, she proceeds to tell me information I wish I'd never known about her life and she tells me not to tell her brother and it puts me in very awkward situations.

I've told her not to tell me about things which her brother shouldn't know about and she stops for a while and then starts again, especially when she's had a drink which is pretty much everyday. She makes unreasonable asks and expects everyone to drop what they're doing for her.

I've tried to distance myself by not answering her calls but she calls NON STOP. She has no idea about boundaries and if I don't answer the phone she will continue to call one time after the other and then send messages.
I can't live my life like this. I have a million and one things on my plate but she seems to think her issues are also mine to be shared.

She asks for advice and when I give her advice she raises her voice at me so I've just said to myself that enough is enough and I haven't been answering her.
How do I break it down to her nicely that her phone calls are too much and I have a lot to be getting on with and she's disrupting my peace of mind? I'm not one for confrontation or arguments so I'd like to keep things peaceful if possible.

Everyone's advice is very practical and reasonable but your sister in law sounds unreasonable so my advice is, fake a mental breakdown. Next time she calls with her 101 problems, start bawling and screaming how you can't take it anymore listening to her problems because your own life is a mess, etc etc. Also, after your outburst, tell her not to tell her brother 😉

I had a long term friend who always expected free counselling for every single problem. Not just from me either, she would text several other people at the same time, but I didn’t realise this for a long time. I changed my responses. Instead of sitting listening intently I got on with jobs when she came round.

”So what do you think I should do?”

”I think you should learn to make your own decisions. We’re nearly 30 now and you just keep repeating the same situations” (being blunt like this is a lot easier when you’re busy washing up and looking distracted)

She stopped getting what she needed from me and I heard from her less and less until she disappeared.

With your SIL, you need to stop feeding her what she gets from the situation. Be incredibly boring and useless to her.

Have your phone (or at least her) on silent. When she rings don't pick up,message an hour or so later (or when ever convenient for you) and say sorry really busy hope your ok. Don't talk unless it's convenient to you.
Don't answer every message , if she's rude to you tell her not to speak to you like that.
If she's going over the same stuff say. We discussed this before you need to .,,,,
Get your dp to answer some of her messages.

I think you need to tell her that you won’t be answering her excessive calls and then follow through. I blocked someone recently I didn’t want to speak to, it was blissful. Another one, I sent a message then blocked her on everything. You aren’t obliged by law to answer her calls, stick your phone on silent, ignore or archive the chat and refuse to feed her need for your attention. Be strong! Give it a week, I bet she soon realises that you won’t be her sounding board anymore.

Thank you! I've done this already, she stopped for one day and then back to back called last night while I was sleeping 😡

Ok but did you answer? If you did, there's the problem. If you didn't, you achieved a bloc of uninterrupted sleep and started the pattern of training her to understand you won't speak to her overnight.

How can she call if she’s blocked?

I wouldn't want to hear anything I had to keep a secret from my husband. I would mute her calls and not answer or reply for at least a month. If she didn't then respect boundaries, I would not answer or reply for three months. Let your husband know you are blocking her for a month and stick to it. I had a friend who was making my life miserable, I told her I needed a month off, she did not take it well and I ended up never speaking to her again and I feel nothing but relief.

A close relative of mine was like this, I'm like you - always happy to listen and give advice/suggestions to remedy whatever it was but then I'd get the exact same thing again and again like we'd never had the conversation. It was the same every visit, endless issues then everyone else's issues in her family too - then I got text messages about every little thing that was happening - I ended up having a breakdown, she drove me up the wall. I had to put a stop to it and I did. We haven't had any contact for 2 years and now I have my life back. I'm the one who has had issues all my life because of her and countless others - I don't do it anymore. No contact is hard believe me but my life was in tatters, my own family suffered too because of it. Time to let her figure her own problems out with her husband, that's why they're married - or seek some independent support - not you.

Sounds like my sister. Others have mentioned this but in short you reap what you sow. So if she calls and you give in, you are omitting a behaviour to promote hers.

I reached breaking point with my sister, I was 6 months pregnant, unwell with Covid and she was calling me non stop due to a break up. Answering and telling her I was struggling just didn't work, she had me on the phone and would override my problems with hers.

Then due to the same breakup. she asked to move in for 2 weeks, then 4 weeks, ended up being 5 weeks, all because she failed to bother looking for accommodation until it was too late. Then treated my house like a student digs. Expected free therapy and would shout and scream if the advice I gave wasn't sympathetic enough.

Something else which helped more recently was every single time she called, I told her straight up - DS is sick, I'm sick, DS not sleeping, work is stressful, I'm stuck at home cancelling all my plans to survive. In other words, I made it an unsafe space to offload and when she did, I would say sorry to hear and cut the call short saying I was busy.

When she asked to meet I said I would find a date and didn't get back to her. Meanwhile she noted a few of her friends have given her the cold shoulder, I pointed out, all relationships need to be two-way, are you taking too much or expecting too much? I don't think the subtle hints worked and she got defensive but the only way she will learn is when she is left with no one, scratching her head.

She's the sister of OP 's husband. I don't get your confusion.

Thank you. I wasn't reading it right clearly.

Just block her.

' Sorry, love you dearly but too much drama for me right now so afraid I have to stop contact for my own good mental health' Then block, it's honest, to the point and fair