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Original poster

Husband wants another baby.. Am I being selfish?

34 replies

Kiyentai · 10/06/2024 06:25

I wasn't sure where to put this. My husband and I have been together for close to nine years, married for 6 (going on 7). We have a 3 year old son whom we love so very much. When my son was around 2, I told him I wanted another baby and I bugged him about it for about a month.. and he told me he wasn't sure if he wanted another kid. So after a month of asking and asking, I went ahead and accepted it and started working out and focusing more on me. I gained over 50 lbs during my pregnancy and I really wanted to get back to where I was before I was pregnant, as I've always been overall pretty fit.

Well, fast forward to early this year.. I was almost a year into my fitness routine, cardio, heavy lifting, 30 lbs down and getting closer to where I want to be.. and my husband tells me that he now wants a 2nd child. In my mind, I feel like that ship has sailed and it isn't coming back for a while because now I'm in a solid gym routine and I'm feeling good about it. Also, he often brings up that he wants it to be "how it used to be" which we had a very healthy sex life before our son was born and he wants it to be that way again..which, again, really isn't going to happen. I'm a SAHM and by the end of the day, I'm so over touched that sex is often the last thing on my mind. He also tells me that he used sex as a stress reliever before we had our son. Then he brings up wanting to have a baby while talking about wanting to have sex every day (like it used to be) and it makes me wonder does he really want another baby or does he just want to have sex more often?

Am I being selfish here for not wanting to give in to him? I am pushing 40 but I don't feel like I am ready to have baby #2. Also my son has delays and is in 3 different therapies multiple times a week, and has a very busy schedule as a 3 year old, not to mention taking care of everything else that I take care of. My son has made vast improvements but it is still a work in progress. I really want to keep up my gym routine and get back to pre baby weight before even considering getting pregnant again.. I don't need to gain another 50 lbs on top of my weight right now. .

OP posts:
DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 10/06/2024 06:29

You're very focused on the impact of pregnancy on your body which is fair enough but is that your main concern or do you genuinely not want another child? Also valid, but I feel like you need to organise your thoughts so you can explain clearly to your husband what you feel and think.
I also think you need to be clear with him that reverting to the sex life you had at the start is never going to happen. It doesn't mean it will be a bad sex life but that period is over!

Chickenuggetsticks · 10/06/2024 06:34

DH wanted another one, I didn’t, that settled it.

Also I’m not being funny but babies aren’t actually good for your sex life, if he feels he’s not getting enough now he’s hardly going to be getting more with a baby in the house. Especially if you have to juggle that with DC1’s needs.

I think he just wants more sex. It sounds like another baby would be stressful for you rather than a positive move right now.

Miriad · 10/06/2024 06:37

Maybe he’s jealous of you exercising and losing weight, and he wants you barefoot and pregnant again. Men often try to make women pregnant if they feel they’re becoming too independent.

Dotty87 · 10/06/2024 06:46

Miriad · 10/06/2024 06:37

Maybe he’s jealous of you exercising and losing weight, and he wants you barefoot and pregnant again. Men often try to make women pregnant if they feel they’re becoming too independent.

This was my thought too, is he perhaps feeling insecure about himself? He says he wants things to go back to how things were before, does he mean he wants you back the way you were?

I can't see how he thinks another baby would mean more sex, for more than a few months at least!

Have you asked him what he thinks life with a new baby would look like going forward?

Olika · 10/06/2024 06:47

If you don't want another one then tell him that. It's easy for him to want another one when he is not the one taking care of your first one full time. And he is not the one having to carry that baby, give birth and then getting back to exercising etc. And him wanting things to be like before, that's so not going to be the case if you have another one.

TemuSpecialBuy · 10/06/2024 06:51

Miriad · 10/06/2024 06:37

Maybe he’s jealous of you exercising and losing weight, and he wants you barefoot and pregnant again. Men often try to make women pregnant if they feel they’re becoming too independent.

My initial thoughts also.

Irrespective you dont want one.
My view is

  • either partner can veto it / both have to want it.
  • as a woman you "give" so much more to parenthood so you especially get to say no.
HappyGoLucky96 · 10/06/2024 06:53

Miriad · 10/06/2024 06:37

Maybe he’s jealous of you exercising and losing weight, and he wants you barefoot and pregnant again. Men often try to make women pregnant if they feel they’re becoming too independent.

True

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 10/06/2024 06:59

He doesn’t want another baby he wants more sex and is using a baby as a way to convince you of more sex…. And the comment about stress relief gave me the ick . You are his wife not a vagina with legs yuk

I also think he is insecure about your weight loss and gym going and is trying to stop you going and loosing more weight.

My DD has delays too and the specialist appointments are intense and never ending I couldn’t add a baby to that as well

Sablecat · 10/06/2024 07:10

So a man who is presumably around 40 wants his similarly aged wife to have another baby and have sex with him every night. I presume he has the same muscle tone and hairline he had 10 years ago too - you know to make everything like it was before. I think he is on the verge of a middle aged crisis myself. My husband took up golf which seems at least less annoying than this.

Sablecat · 10/06/2024 07:10

The golf is only marginally less annoying as he does insist on telling me about it.

Original poster
Kiyentai · 10/06/2024 07:46

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 10/06/2024 06:29

You're very focused on the impact of pregnancy on your body which is fair enough but is that your main concern or do you genuinely not want another child? Also valid, but I feel like you need to organise your thoughts so you can explain clearly to your husband what you feel and think.
I also think you need to be clear with him that reverting to the sex life you had at the start is never going to happen. It doesn't mean it will be a bad sex life but that period is over!

I'm a very logical person. A part of me would like to have another baby, I love being a mom. I feel like it is what I was meant to do in life. However, I am worried about my body because I am not a spring chicken anymore and I was about 250 lbs after I had my son. I have never been that heavy,and I need to be healthy and be able to keep up with my son. Adding the extra stress of another child with my sons needs, I feel will hinder what he needs now. I am trying so hard to catch him up, I need my energy. Also the others have mentioned, my husband has been more insecure and with his whole "I want it to be like it used to" and him telling me that is was his stress relief..that was recent. He's never told me that in our 9 years of being together. It's not attractive. Like, at all. I tell him all the time, if he is feeling insecure because I'm working out and he's not..then go work out. Go find stress relief elsewhere, but he doesn't and makes excuses..because its not what he wants. I've always been a gym rat. I love working out and recently rediscovered my passion for lifting. I tell him that our former sex life is not going to happen because we are in different times in our life and it is our time to be parents. He doesn't want to accept it. And when he brings it up and whines about it, it's not attractive and surely doesn't get me in the mood. Let alone want to have another kid with him? Forget it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kiyentai · 10/06/2024 07:50

Dotty87 · 10/06/2024 06:46

This was my thought too, is he perhaps feeling insecure about himself? He says he wants things to go back to how things were before, does he mean he wants you back the way you were?

I can't see how he thinks another baby would mean more sex, for more than a few months at least!

Have you asked him what he thinks life with a new baby would look like going forward?

Show quote history

And I have mentioned if we had another baby that our sex life would practically be non existent.

His reponse..

Crickets.

OP posts:
Newnamehiwhodis · 10/06/2024 08:01

YANBU. I notice he’s talking about you and your body in terms of service you provide. Like you’re some kind of household appliance.
“Using sex” as stress relief?
wanting to have another child …why, exactly? As if these are things he just turns a tap, and your body is used for.

No, no, and absolutely no.

listen to your healthy self tell you what you need, and don’t label it “selfish.”

if he wants to focus on a child, he can bloody help with your existing child’s needs. FFS.

WhatNoRaisins · 10/06/2024 08:05

It doesn't sound like he has a realistic idea of what having another baby would even be like. You sound like you have a much better grasp of reality than him and I don't think you're being selfish at all. Your older child will benefit from a coping mum more than an extra sibling.

Littleststone · 10/06/2024 08:06

YANBU or selfish not to want another child.

You are living in a delusional bubble if you think a sexless or sex limited relationship is not going to negatively impact your marriage. You as a stay at home Mum are in a very vulnerable position if your marriage is not strong.

If you don’t want sex, or to get your sex drive back, then don’t have sex. But do get yourself in a position where you can support yourself financially if your marriage fails.

somethingwickedlivesnextdoor · 10/06/2024 08:22

Miriad · 10/06/2024 06:37

Maybe he’s jealous of you exercising and losing weight, and he wants you barefoot and pregnant again. Men often try to make women pregnant if they feel they’re becoming too independent.

This is what I thought too.

TheTartfulLodger · 10/06/2024 08:29

Miriad · 10/06/2024 06:37

Maybe he’s jealous of you exercising and losing weight, and he wants you barefoot and pregnant again. Men often try to make women pregnant if they feel they’re becoming too independent.

I'm actually stunned so many women have such low opinions of men. What kind of men have you all been having babies with?

notmyrodeo · 10/06/2024 08:29

Bugging him for a month doesn't really suggest to me that you really wanted a baby that badly

Mirandasbiggestfan · 10/06/2024 08:43

I agree with all the other replies. Does he actually pull his weight with your DS OP? It’s all very well for him to say he wants another but I’d be interested to see how committed he would actually be to caring for another. You sound a lot more realistic about the whole thing. Good on you for taking up lifting again too!

PerfectTravelTote · 10/06/2024 08:55

It sounds like you are happy as you are and one child is what's right for you.

That deep down longing for a baby is extremely difficult to move past. If you had really strongly wanted another baby I doubt you could have reached acceptance and moved on after only a month.

From what you've said, your husband just wants to try for a baby rather than actually have a baby.

pontipinemum · 10/06/2024 09:20

If you do want another child at 40 you really don't have a lot of time. I know women have babies over 40 and our grandmothers did it but I think the chances of getting pregnant, and keeping that pregnancy get a lot harder

SocoBateVira · 10/06/2024 10:09

It's not immediately obvious how he thinks there's going to be sex every day if you add a baby to your 3 year old with complex health issues.

DH and I very much prioritised keeping our sex life going when the DC were little, and it was a great decision. So I come at this from a perspective of valuing sexual connection at that stage maybe more than the average. But even then, he's being ridiculous. The fact that he's not even acknowledged OP pointing out that a baby is likely to mean a reduction in sex for them is pretty worrying.

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 10/06/2024 10:14

he often brings up that he wants it to be "how it used to be" which we had a very healthy sex life before our son was born and he wants it to be that way again..

So he wants a very healthy sex life and another baby. And by some Christmas fucking miracle, everything'll be grand. Oh men are so, so, so, so very tedious with their silly little expectations and insecurities. Stick to your guns, OP. Get him a dog or a gym membership for his next birthday. You don't have to defend yourself. Having a baby is not on your cards right now and that is good enough!

positivewings · 10/06/2024 10:16

I wouldn't want to do the baby stage again at 40.

SocoBateVira · 10/06/2024 10:17

I think any time a woman feels too old to go through pregnancy and childbirth again, she is. Whatever her age. It's such a personal call.