Husband wants another baby.. Am I being selfish?

[Kiyentai]

I wasn't sure where to put this. My husband and I have been together for close to nine years, married for 6 (going on 7). We have a 3 year old son whom we love so very much. When my son was around 2, I told him I wanted another baby and I bugged him about it for about a month.. and he told me he wasn't sure if he wanted another kid. So after a month of asking and asking, I went ahead and accepted it and started working out and focusing more on me. I gained over 50 lbs during my pregnancy and I really wanted to get back to where I was before I was pregnant, as I've always been overall pretty fit.

Well, fast forward to early this year.. I was almost a year into my fitness routine, cardio, heavy lifting, 30 lbs down and getting closer to where I want to be.. and my husband tells me that he now wants a 2nd child. In my mind, I feel like that ship has sailed and it isn't coming back for a while because now I'm in a solid gym routine and I'm feeling good about it. Also, he often brings up that he wants it to be "how it used to be" which we had a very healthy sex life before our son was born and he wants it to be that way again..which, again, really isn't going to happen. I'm a SAHM and by the end of the day, I'm so over touched that sex is often the last thing on my mind. He also tells me that he used sex as a stress reliever before we had our son. Then he brings up wanting to have a baby while talking about wanting to have sex every day (like it used to be) and it makes me wonder does he really want another baby or does he just want to have sex more often?

Am I being selfish here for not wanting to give in to him? I am pushing 40 but I don't feel like I am ready to have baby #2. Also my son has delays and is in 3 different therapies multiple times a week, and has a very busy schedule as a 3 year old, not to mention taking care of everything else that I take care of. My son has made vast improvements but it is still a work in progress. I really want to keep up my gym routine and get back to pre baby weight before even considering getting pregnant again.. I don't need to gain another 50 lbs on top of my weight right now. .

@Kiyentai - I get the enjoyment of exercise and getting your body back.

But in your place - i’d try to actually think logically about timing and having another child. Because, despite saying you are a rational person - the arguments you list are emotional… you enjoy exercise and you are annoyed at your H.

Forget about what he wants, sex, etc. You need to decide if YOU want to have another child in general. Irrespective of other things in your life currently. Because - at your age there is NOT - i’ll wait till i lose more weight and am more ready. You can lose the weight again later - you know how to do it now. You also can get more help with your toddler.

What you CAN’T do is change the age of your remaining eggs. And that really should be the main consideration - unfair as it is.

My guess is that you actually want to have another child - but are annoyed at your H because he didn't go along with it a year ago. So - it’s a bit of a power play now.
It’s silly.

Have a good think about what YOU actually want. Then organise your life such that other things are in place.
And - if you decide to go for it - by the time baby is there - your eldest will be off to school - and you will have more time….

I think regretting NOT having a second child is more common than regretting having one more. IF you can afford giving the children a good life…

If you don't want another baby then don't have one Op. You'll do all the hard work so if you're not interested in another that's that. I'm dubious about your DH wanting another, he can't really believe a baby would improve your sex life surely, it didn't work that way with the first

What?

What are the chances of a second baby having the same issues as your son? How would that impact your life? I say that as somebody who had two sons who are not neurotypical. They are both doing very well now but it was exhausting and I feel tired just thinking about what it took to get them there.

Nail hit on head.

DH is being unrealistic. He wants an active sex life AND a baby?

You're back to sexy you and he's getting jealous of imaginary suitors. If you don't want a baby then get contraception that can't be meddled with such as the implant.

He may have changed his mind but so have you. Just remind him of his words. At keep the gym up - it's good for you.

Think I'd be getting my tubes tied tbh. Wouldn't trust this guy not to tamper with my contraception.

OR I'm thinking of this the other way round if a woman posted to say her husband had wanted a baby previously but now didn't, was exercising and improving appearance and sex life had dwindled I guarantee people would be saying he was having an affair or his head had been turned.

It might be his fear as well or he can't articulate it and is feeling like he's losing closeness to you. The baby could well be a red herring in a clumsy way by him to try and build that closeness together (although granted could well be a way for him to think he will get more sex in the short term).

For some people (me included as a woman) sex is really important to feel close to your partner and if it's stopped or drastically reduced to what it was it may be he just needs reassurance that you still love/fancy him and why things have changed. And yes no one is owed sex but sex is one of the only things that you can only do with the person you're in a romantic relationship with (well agreed open marriages aside). Most of all other forms of emotional and practical needs can be met through friends, family or even paid services (and my this I mean house related jobs/childcare/general life admin not sex work!) so sex can become a really emotionally loaded subject.

I feel like people on Mumsnet are so quick to demonise men and think the worst of them but in a marriage and long term relationship don't underestimate the power of properly communicating with each other.

He is a good dad, don't get me wrong. When he is available he will take our son to an appointment and play with him. When he gets home he does take over, does bath, dinner, does dishes, puts him to bed ect. So I can go work out because I need that time at the end of the day. But I am with my son 12-16 hours a day 5-6 days a week.

It's kind of complicated because when our son was one, he got burned with hot tea under my husbands watch. It was pretty bad, a lot of visits and healing. Our son is now better and is a happy healthy kid. Hubby has terrible anxiety and has PTSD from it. His anxiety has melted into other portions of his life. He refuses to get help and just pushes through things. I'm so exhausted from dealing with his anxiety, then he talks about he thinks sex will help him deal with "stress" then baby #2 popped up. It all molds together, really. It makes me think what would he do with another baby? I work in mental health so I have tried all the things to get him to go to handle his emotions because I am tired. I don't want to leave him because I do love him but it all just isn't a good combination to have another kid because I need him to handle his crap.

Oh and someone else mentioned what's the possibility of us having another child with my sons delays? They say the probability is higher but we don't know what he has. He's very smart and understands things, but talks very little. He has a sensory disorder of some kind because he doesnt like hard/crunchy foods. Doesn't fit autistic criteria because he is social, interacts with others, makes good eye contact, understands emotional response. Also he was a covid baby so he didn't get a lot of social interaction his first year of life..so I'm not sure. It is also something I have thought about. But it's more My husband than that.

The baby ship has sailed OP.
You are not his vessel for stress relief.
Stick to your guns, your gut is right about this.