How to start this conversation...

[Anotherdayanotherdrama1]

I'll try (and fail) to keep this short.

Been with DP 7 years, loved together 6 years in a rented house and have a 5 year old child.
Partner has a fairly wealthy background, his DF is still alive.
My DP has a high earning job but won't work more than a few hours a week, so his earnings aren't huge due to this. I work part time, would be happy to increase hours of more become available.

My partner has lots in savings. He never told me exactly how much and I've come to realise he doesn't always tell the truth but he had around 150k in savings, he then inherited 130k last year. I have very little as I'm on an NHS band 5 wage and never really had much to save.

I'm 20 years younger and he was adamant he wanted more children and to settle down, hence dating younger (yes, I'm a fool). He always said we'd get married and buy a house together.

He won't go out with me anywhere pr go on a holiday. He says we can't afford it - I would always have been happy to pay my share. He also says we can't afford to go out for food. Yet he drinks every day and goes out 3x a week. I have to budget to take the kids on day trips and buy them clothes, yet he has all this money in savings. He complains that I'm stealing his children's inheritance (because he has to pay our high rent) and barely buys any food shopping anymore. Also complained when I bought shoes for our son from Clarks because they are too expensive. I paid for them. For context he earns £100 an hour.

The last time I found out partners dad had given 10k to our son from my sister in law. I asked my partner and he said it's money of my business, it's his money not his and it's nothing to do with me because it's his family and I'm not getting the money. I just felt odd he hadn't told me our child had been gifted 10k and felt bad I hadn't thanked his father as he'd have assumed I knew about it.

I feel I have no control of what is happening in my life because he says we will buy a house together etc but he won't discuss anything.

I've just found out my partner, along with his siblings - has been given a huge amount of money by his dad. This was 2 months ago. My partner is obviously not going to tell me. I'm budgeting to buy the kids shoes and he's telling me we can't afford to do anything and he has hundreds of thousands in the bank.
It's not even about wanting the money, it's the fact he doesn't see me as a partner and has kept it from me.

I want to ask him about it but I know he will get angry. He won't discuss anything with me. Hell will see me asking as an attack. Hell then deflect and tell me I'm a horrible person and that's why we won't buy a house and say the money is none of my business.

How do I address this?

There are no good options financially wise for you here.
But overall, given the emotional abuse that this also represents, please leave.

I'd skip forward. I'd tell him that you're leaving him because you have to feather your own nest from now on.

See how he reacts. Not with action or change I'm guessing you predict.

He is no partner to you, he is your, and in turn your child's, abuser.

This is no life for you and your child and this man has never had any intention whatsoever of marrying you. He targeted you to abuse you and indeed this is what he has done.

He does not want to share anything like money with you or for that matter his child. He regards that as his and his alone. You are being economically abused by this man. It is one of the most powerful methods of keeping a survivor trapped in an abusive relationship. However, there is help for you out there and you can and should live a life free from such abuse. Do reach out to Womens Aid and the Rights of Women and get their advices on how to leave this individual safely.

Sorry for the typos, I was typing fast whilst talking to my son. There doesn't seem to be an edit button.

Interesting people view this as abusive. I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable. However, yes the relationship is abusive but I didn't include this as I wanted advice on the actual situation.

If I try and discuss anything that isn't favourable, he gets angry, shouts at me and then if I get upset he says I have mental health issues.

I do want to have a discussion about this, as I'm wondering what his plans are. He's 54 years old with hundreds of thousands in the bank, no pension and won't buy a house despite complaining about the waste of money spent on rent.

re your comment

"I want to ask him about it but I know he will get angry. He won't discuss anything with me. Hell will see me asking as an attack. Hell then deflect and tell me I'm a horrible person and that's why we won't buy a house and say the money is none of my business".

The above is an classic example of DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) and is often used by abusers to further keep their chosen target i,e you in check.

As the acronym suggests, the common steps involved are:

1. The abuser denies the abuse ever took place
2. When confronted with evidence, the abuser then attacks the person that was/is being abused (and/or the person's family and/or friends) for attempting to hold the abuser accountable for their actions, and finally
3. The abuser claims that they were/are actually the victim in the situation, thus reversing the positions of victim and offender. It often involves not just playing the victim but also victim blaming.

In addition, an abuser will gaslight the victim, making that person wonder if they are crazy or think that what they are experiencing is not actually abuse. An abuser will also likely deflect, trying to switch gears and remove attention from the problematic behavior.

Oh and I found out from his father who obviously assumed I knew.

We were chatting today and he told me he had given the "children" a huge sum of money and his solicitor has actually phoned him to ask if he was certain about doing it and to check he wasnt being coerced.

It's definitely abusive.

You should leave him and claim CMS.

@AttilaTheMeerkat this is 100% my life 7 days a week.

I skimmed this in 5 seconds and saw:

• He asked you to have his child but won't marry you, clearly because he doesn't want to share his wealth - doesn't see you as an equal partner
• He will call you "a horrible person"

None of that sounds ok.

He will stonewall you and otherwise shut you down by using DARVO if you further attempt to have a discussion with him. You cannot ever reason with abusers anyway because they are unreasonable.

He has no plans going forward for that money and he will ensure as far as possible you do not see a penny of it going forward. He is however, still responsible for his child so I would pursue a maintenance claim once you are out of there.

I believe you. This is no life for you or your child; he cannot afford to grow up believing that his father's treatment of you as his mother is at all normal. How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. I would speak to Womens Aid as a matter of priority and use their help to plan your exit safely from him.

How many children do you have? You said you had a 5 year old together then you mention children.

I'm actually in counselling and have been in touch with a DA advisor through work. If I'm honest, I'm mentally struggling though and this is why I'm in therapy. I know I need to leave and I now there is nothing good about this relationship but I have a need to be loved and would be devastated if he left me.
You're right though, there is no point in communicating with him. I can ask the most innocent and be shit down and shouted at. It always ends up with a character assassination.

@Anotherdayanotherdrama1 I'm 20 years younger and he was adamant he wanted more children and to settle down, hence dating younger (yes, I'm a fool). He always said we'd get married and buy a house together.
You're 34, he's 54. You were 27 when you met him - still quite young and inexperienced. You have a 5 yo child. He hasn't married you. He hasn't bought a house. He has lots of money, so could easily marry you and buy a house. If he wanted. He doesn't want.
If I try and discuss anything that isn't favourable, he gets angry, shouts at me and then if I get upset he says I have mental health issues.
The pattern of behaviour is established. It won't get better, only worse. Leave him, get the child maintenance money, and move on. You are still plenty young enough to find a much better partner in life.

I think you should inform you P's DF, that the money has got as far as his son and not been given to his GC as hoped. Then make a plan to leave, at least you are not paying any rent, so you should be able to save something for a deposit. Luckily, although the wages are crap, NHS work is very transferable to many areas of the country, so I suggest leaving to a fair distance away, maybe where housing and childcare fees are chaper? Or, to your parents if it's a possibility, while you get back on your feet. Then apply for cms, should help if a high earner.

We have another child each from our previous marriage.

Yes there is a pattern. I go against what he wants/don't behave in the desired way and he threatens to leave me or says "I'll stop paying the rent". I then worry he'll leave and I'm ashamed to say I subconsciously (although I've become aware of it) work harder for him to want me and not leave. Then the pattern repeats ...

"If I try and discuss anything that isn't favourable, he gets angry, shouts at me and then if I get upset he says I have mental health issues"

My now ExH would do exactly this. Its unsustainable to continue being abused in this way. Please leave him with a view to supporting yourself. I am now mentally free and can't believe I put up with it for as long as I did. I'm so happy now.

Although he pays the rent, I pay all the bills and buy everything the kids need (clothes, days outs, school stuff) so I don't have lots left over to save.

I can't really move miles away as I have another child whose parent lives near.

Anotherdayanotherdrama

re your comment:
"I know I need to leave and I now there is nothing good about this relationship but I have a need to be loved and would be devastated if he left me"

Where did this need to be loved start with you?. Were your parents not all that loving towards you and or each other in your childhood?. What is missing here? This man's actions towards you now are certainly not loving ones.

Why would you be devastated if he left you?. His treatment of you is all on him and is no reflection on you as a person. He would have behaved the self same regardless of whom he lived with. These types of men hate women, ALL of them.

He won't be doing the leaving; you will need to do so. He won't do so because he has a facade of being a nice family man to maintain to those in the outside world. He also he likes having you around to cook and clean along with abusing you as he sees fit. If you leave he would then have to find another woman to shack up with him and that takes work; he being a lazy arse does not want to do that readily.

How is this counsellor you are seeing; does this person recognise abuse or that you are in an abusive relationship?. If not, seek out another counsellor and in any case please contact Womens Aid or a local domestic violence support group. What has the DA advisor you've been speaking to advised?.

We all have a need to be loved. That's only human 💞. You won't find it in this relationship, sadly. Your focus has to be getting out. He's impoverishing you every day. That's not how a decent man loves and respects the mother of his child. Hold out for someone who cherishes you and shows it by his actions. I know it's hard when you have a child so it's not like picking between casual Tinder dates, but still. No wonder you crave love so badly when he's rubbing in your face every day how incapable he is of giving it.

Regardless of distance, you still need to escape from this abusive relationship, for your sake and for your childrens' sakes. It'll take a couple of years to find your feet and establish your financial independence. By then you'll be 36 years old, and hopefully with some issues resolved by therapy. And ready to go out there and find a decent life partner. It's all doable.

"I can't really move miles away as I have another child whose parent lives near".

Is contact between this child and this parent court ordered?. If not court ordered this is a really flimsy reason as to why you cannot move miles away. This other parent could travel further.

Just stop paying the bills.
Leave. Your child is being abused by witnessing it.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I know this is something that I need to work on and I can see this isn't love in the normal sense. The counsellor straight away said it was abuse and she put me in touch with the DA lady (can't remember her title) through work. She also said I could go to the police.
I have a lovely family and a close relationship with my mum. My dad died a few years ago. I will say that my dad was a depressive and drank a lot, he would tell us as children that he wanted to kill himself. So I wonder if my desire to feel loved and protected comes from the fact that I felt the roles were reversed in my relationship with my dad. Plus I've always been attracted to older men.
It's really sad because it's my greatest fear that he will leave me but I'm a broken woman and don't even know myself anymore. I've almost just given up, switched off emotionally and try not to think or feel. I was always a caring, loving person and love to help others but I'm just switched off.

@TulipsAndForgetmenots I feel I've failed. I wanted that secure family unit. I know it's not either of those things but I'll never have it with anyone else. I'll not have a 3rd child with a 3rd man and so much just wanted my partner to love me. I'd have doted on him.

@Anotherdayanotherdrama1 aw, of course you wanted that. That's just normal and natural. He's the dickhead who's not capable. You can still have a secure family unit, headed by you, and love might still happen for you in the future. Don't feel you have to buy the next man's love by giving him a child (I do know that feeling). Tell yourself clearly that you're done, you owe nobody a child, and if they want one then their clock is ticking and not yours. This man is dragging you down in every way. I think things will feel much clearer once you're shot of him.