How to start this conversation...

[Anotherdayanotherdrama1]

I'll try (and fail) to keep this short.

Been with DP 7 years, loved together 6 years in a rented house and have a 5 year old child.
Partner has a fairly wealthy background, his DF is still alive.
My DP has a high earning job but won't work more than a few hours a week, so his earnings aren't huge due to this. I work part time, would be happy to increase hours of more become available.

My partner has lots in savings. He never told me exactly how much and I've come to realise he doesn't always tell the truth but he had around 150k in savings, he then inherited 130k last year. I have very little as I'm on an NHS band 5 wage and never really had much to save.

I'm 20 years younger and he was adamant he wanted more children and to settle down, hence dating younger (yes, I'm a fool). He always said we'd get married and buy a house together.

He won't go out with me anywhere pr go on a holiday. He says we can't afford it - I would always have been happy to pay my share. He also says we can't afford to go out for food. Yet he drinks every day and goes out 3x a week. I have to budget to take the kids on day trips and buy them clothes, yet he has all this money in savings. He complains that I'm stealing his children's inheritance (because he has to pay our high rent) and barely buys any food shopping anymore. Also complained when I bought shoes for our son from Clarks because they are too expensive. I paid for them. For context he earns £100 an hour.

The last time I found out partners dad had given 10k to our son from my sister in law. I asked my partner and he said it's money of my business, it's his money not his and it's nothing to do with me because it's his family and I'm not getting the money. I just felt odd he hadn't told me our child had been gifted 10k and felt bad I hadn't thanked his father as he'd have assumed I knew about it.

I feel I have no control of what is happening in my life because he says we will buy a house together etc but he won't discuss anything.

I've just found out my partner, along with his siblings - has been given a huge amount of money by his dad. This was 2 months ago. My partner is obviously not going to tell me. I'm budgeting to buy the kids shoes and he's telling me we can't afford to do anything and he has hundreds of thousands in the bank.
It's not even about wanting the money, it's the fact he doesn't see me as a partner and has kept it from me.

I want to ask him about it but I know he will get angry. He won't discuss anything with me. Hell will see me asking as an attack. Hell then deflect and tell me I'm a horrible person and that's why we won't buy a house and say the money is none of my business.

How do I address this?

You need to talk to your counsellor about why on Earth you WANT to know how to address this/start a conversation. Your partner is horrible. The only thing you should want to do is leave him.

@arethereanyleftatall I've had these conversations with the counsellor. I've made it clear I need to identify what is wrong with me and why I would stay in this situation. I completely understand how ridiculous it is. I honestly hate myself at times. When he's been horrible and then summons me for sex and I do it because I just want peace and no conflict. I despise myself the whole time.

I think sometimes it helps to take the focus of "what is wrong with me" and just try and get back in touch with yourself. I find journalling helpful. I try and do it every day, and my rule is to never apologise for what I'm writing - no "I know this sounds bad" or "Of course on the other hand" or "I know I should count my blessings" - just total emotional honesty, however unflattering or repetitive. Just get that connection to yourself spluttering back to life again, like a rusty engine. It's not your fault you've been taken advantage of by a dickhead. I mean yes, you'll want to build back stronger and not make the same mistake again, but you need to find your bearings and become rooted in yourself first. Don't beat yourself up. And if counselling is making you feel like it's all about what's wrong with you, it's ok to change counsellor or give it a rest. Maybe talk to your GP - sometimes they can be more practical and action-focused, rather than suck you into rabbit holes of what's wrong with you. It doesn't sound like there's anything wrong with you apart from low standards when it comes to men.

Don't despise yourself!
You'll break free at some point.

Which of your parents put you through similar feelings of needing to repress yourself in order to keep them happy? You've learned this somewhere.

He sounds bloody awful OP. He doesn't love you and treats you badly. Please don't stay in this relationship. He's horrible and he's not offering you any security. You and your kids will be much better off away from him. Please get support from friends and family and leave.

Please don't despise yourself. You need to get away from him, focus your energy on that. You can explore your reasons for getting into an abusive relationship through therapy later. But you need to get away first.

Where do you want to be in a years time?

If he won't change then you have to not be with him to chat your life.

This has to be the sadistic part-time Doctor who is Xbox addicted. @Anotherdayanotherdrama1, you have written a multitude of threads through the years detailing this monster’s horrific abuse of you, which started during your pregnancy and has continued and escalated. His brutality runs the gamut: infidelity, physical assault, constant shouting, verbal/emotional cruelty, financial abuse.

You used to insist that the children were not affected by his unhinged rantings, but you eventually acknowledged that your younger son was becoming anxious and had begun shouting whenever his dad did.

In 11/22 during 3 year old DS’s bedtime routine, your Partner called you ‘You fucking bitch, you fucking cunt.’ He grabbed you and shoved you out of DS’s room and tried to shut the door on you. All the while poor terrorized DS was crying, ‘Let mummy in!’ P responded, ‘No, Mummy is horrible.’ Your 12 year old DS in his room next door likely heard the whole train wreck. The next day little DS was very anxious and tearful, and wanted to cling to his dad … which abused children often do.

You vowed to put your children first and leave. I and hundreds of posters have repeatedly empathized, counseled, and encouraged you to do so. If you continue to stay, the damage to the children will go deep and far. We’ve told you this many times.

His nondisclosure and territoriality over his father’s monetary gifts to the boys is just one more way for this pig to dominate. As usual, he gets off on humiliating you.

What’s it going to take, @Anotherdayanotherdrama1? Please prioritize getting out and continuing your therapy.

I'm 20 years younger

This was never going to go well. Non-abusive men don't look for women who could be their kids.

Don't be so hard on your self.

Contact Women's Aid. They will help you get away from the monster. You'll feel so much better once your away.

Definitely continue counselling it will help you in the future.

I see no problem with having 3 kids by 3 different men.

OP is he the one who says he ‘regenerates’ after being abusive?

Look into the different types of abuser. He is a financial abuser.

I hope you find a way to get out.

You are in a situation of very serious financial abuse OP and it's all become normal to you . I feel awful for you after reading your post. It's like you are just a live in womb. He's awful . Please don't put up with this OP

It's the part time doctor isn't it???

And you're still with him?! Your sons are trapped in an abusive household, yet you're worried about savings?!

You need an intervention NOW

All of this.

I have no sympathy any more as you are allowing both of your sons to be abused. The older lad particularly, give him to his dad. As you are in thrall to this dickhead and not capable of protecting your children. Your inability to act in their best interests is abhorrent.

Here we go again. Thanks @MsDogLady for spotting the same old, same old.

I feel sorry for the child.

Even worse is the stepson he openly emotionally abuses.... I guess you'll disappear again now though @Anotherdayanotherdrama1??

Shame. On. You.

My uncle did this. Stacks of money in the bank. When he died, various relatives came of the he woodwork & drained it away…

You’re right, @velveteens. His step-son doesn’t escape his mistreatment. From what I recall, the dominator will ask the boy questions, but when he tries to answer, he is drowned out by the loud shouter’s constant talking over him. @Anotherdayanotherdrama1 has acknowledged that her son gets very frustrated. I’m sure there are many other examples. Of course, he has to endure witnessing the abuse of his mother and little brother by this absolute monster.

No one is left unscathed in this house of horrors.