Were these red flags?….

[Baghouse]

….or just normal human flaws.

for additional context I’m a gay man.

after a first date I’m struggling to see whether some stuff that arose were red flags or just the everyday flaws we all have. I was by no means the perfect date myself.

i was pretty nervous at the start and was struggling to make conversation but by the end of the first drink we had both warmed up and he suggested a second. I went up to get it and as I approached the server, she asked me to wait a moment while she helped a colleague at the other end of the bar. It ended up taking a long time. I wasn’t particularly bothered. These things happen in service but when I returned with the drinks he told me he “wouldn’t have put up with that” and that I “seem very passive”.

Then there was some more positive fun conversation but then he told me about a course he was doing for work and a psychological experiment they were told about. When I told how I would approach this experiment he said “yeah because you’re passive”.

he then told me his approach and that apparently he has an oppositional defiant personality (not really a thing) and that if someone is passive he gets annoyed and wants them to assert more but if someone is assertive he also gets annoyed and feels he has to assert more.

Later on we kissed and he made a jokey comment that my ass was “less firm than he was expecting”.

he has a lot of good points too. Very clever and witty which I don’t encounter a lot in OLD. He seems to have a small but varied social circle who all seem like cool people which makes me wonder how bad can he be?

Red flags. Presume you’ve heard of “negging”? I’d avoid.

In terms of him having a good friendship group - that wouldn’t persuade me one way or the other. What is tolerable in a friend can be quite different than in a romantic partner.

and that apparently he has an oppositional defiant personality

Is this a long winded way of saying I'm an awful person I wonder?

But yep...deffo a red flag imo.

Sounds like he can be aggressive in nature

He called you ‘passive’ atleast twice

RUN 🚩🚩🚩

Red flags, he doesn't seem genuine

So he was negging from the offset. Usually they at least wait until they have you hooked before the belittling starts. He called you a flabby arsed wet lettuce - and I very much doubt you are either. He may have cool friends but he's not boyfriend material.

Run and dont look back until next week!!!

Thanks. When I’m rational I can see it clearly. But because of some mild lovebombing at the start I’m struggling to be rational. I showed some insecurities before the date and I think he judged me for it (he seems very judgemental). But doesn’t really make an excuse for going on a date with someone and being rude to them.

I wouldn't waste any more of my time if I were you.

He has literally told you he has a personality type where irrespective of what personality type you have, he gets easily annoyed. Unless you miraculously manage to walk the thin line between passive and assertive at all times in which case you should be fine. Think you have passed the point of looking for red flags, he was quite honest about it. Clearly run, he sounds obnoxiously tiresome.

Sounds like he's the sort of person who could start an argument in an empty room.

Don't waste any more of your time on him. You've been vulnerable with him about your insecurities and he has weaponised them. Imagine what he would be like 6 months down the line and more importantly how it will impact you in the long term.

Sounds like he's out to belittle you from the start. Don't put up with his criticism, find someone who doesn't get a buzz out of making others feel small, it's a nasty trait. Next!

Yeah I’ve been beating myself up for not playing the OLD game better but then I think the first time I showed an insecurity or vulnerability in the future he’d instantly lose interest.

You should walk away from a first date excited, feeling good & keen to see them again.

You sound unsure if you want date 2.

Rude and insulting twice on one date? Of your physicality and character. I definitely wouldn't take this one further. No doubt it's 'banter' but sounds absolutely tedious as well as unpleasant. Nothing funny about that at all. What are you supposed to do, respond in kind and waltz into the sunset calling each other names every two minutes? Sounds lovely.

Nasty piece of work.
Dump and don't look back.

He is an arsehole. Next!

He sounds vile !!! Definite red flags. Run a mile.

Definitely red flags!!

Make sure you don't "make do". It's better to be alone than be with someone who doesn't value you.

Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) is a thing. I have taught pupils with this diagnosis. I found it hard work. At least I was paid for it though! I wouldn't want to date someone with ODD. On the plus side, at least he was (presumably) honest about it early on & you didn't have to discover it for yourself the hard way.

If any bloke told me my bum wasn’t as firm as he expected it to be he’d never get the chance to touch it again. This man has got abusive twat in big bold letters above him. Let him watch your arse as you run away.

Yeah, he's never going to be the man you want or deserve, OP.

Red flags a flying!

Yeah I know the disorder is a thing but I don’t think he was saying he had the diagnosed disorder and it seems not to be diagnosed in adults. I think he was just saying he is a difficult to please person but seemed quite proud of it.

ODD is a thing. The ass comment! Fuck that.