WWYD - when you suddenly realise your marriage is coming to an end

[Wills]

I’m mid 50s and my husband works abroad. He says he still loves me (although his actual words were he couldn’t imagine being without me) but all his friends are at work and he can’t imagine anything worse than leaving there. Meanwhile I’ve raised our 4 children (for the last 13 years) pretty much as a single mum. I don’t work and don’t have much of a social life. When I originally agreed to him going out there it was to be for a maximum of 3 years to pay off the mortgage and it’s slowly crept into now. I asked him 2 years ago that I needed him home so I could go out to work, start having a life but he doesn’t get that.

Aside from the hurt, the desire to simply beg him to love me, another part wants to say you bastard. But I’m equally responsible here. I need to focus on rebuilding a life separate to him, but how do I do that when I’ve still got two kids still at home?

Could really do with a handhold here. I've heard there are 7 stages of grief, when does the anger bit arrive?

Presumably your husband spends more time away than with you? It sounds like it's not been a partnership for a long time.

How old are your kids? You definitely need to start building a life for yourself.

You’ve been doing alone for 13 years. I appreciate financially you weren’t alone - but you have all the ability to manage. He clearly enjoyed his life and didn’t make efforts to participate in family life. You will find your anger but in the meantime- all the practical things. House, finances, job for you etc. How old are the kids at home?

Don’t do any begging either. It will make you feel worse and powerless. Decide to take control - without him.

In that situation, I'd probably just focus on my own development first, not dissolving the marriage. He's already not there, but if you split, the financial stability might vanish, and the children might be distressed. And getting divorced is a very time-consuming, emotionally disturbing thing to do. You'd be better off putting your energies and time into improving your own lot in life first.

I'd look at how to return to work, get some training or volunteering or part-time work. Look for good solutions on childcare. Develop a strong social life via a couple of fulfilling hobbies. Once all these are in place and you are financially and socially more secure as an individual in your own right, then if you want to be free to start a relationship with someone new, take steps to end the marriage.

Would it be possible to aim for a reframe of the way you perceive this situation? There are two aspects of this: the emotional side and the practical side.

The emotional side will inevitably be sad and difficult, so matter what.

From the practical side, with a bit of a refocus, this could be seen as pretty ideal. He's already not there. You don't have to leave your home to be free of him, unless and until you decide to separate your assets. So in the meantime, why not adopt the mindset of 'what would I do if I were single?' and then do that. So, arrange wrap-around childcare before and after school if your 2 remaining kids are primary age, research careers and start retraining or get a job. Build up your social life with hobbies, clubs or more proactive invitations to others. Take control of finance and admin. It's all the stuff you'd need to do anyway as a single parent - doing it now without the complication of an ex in your day-day life could be a big advantage.

How old are your youngest DC's? It shouldn't stop you much if they are secondary school or older. You can still find a job if that's what you want. Perhaps you could put some earned money towards a solicitor, so that he doesn't get an early tip-off by using joint funds.
Doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship, more a convenient family arrangement. How often do you get to see him?
It looks like you mean financial independence more than any other kind, as you've already been left alone to look after the DC's and run the home, that has made you more independent than most in a relationship.
Why do you hanker after financial independence? The money he makes is as much yours as his, if you want exclusive access to it, divorce is an option. You both work towards the money you have , you at home, him away.

Good advice.

Many single parents work and have social lives. My mother was an absolute social butterfly! Presumably your children are at the least early secondary age if not mid teens. They don't need you hovering over them all the time and should be doing chores and learning to be independent with your help.

Start small, join a club, do some volunteering, take up a sport or an exercise group, join MeetUp groups. Walking groups are great for that. For work, get some career advice (buy a book or if you can afford it pay for some help). Do you need qualifications or to retrain? Start to plan ahead..
@DesparatePragmatist is right you are already pretty much single so no need to go nuclear on a separation until you are ready to launch yourself out there.

I would also make it clear to him that you are going to start living your own life. He can choose to be part of that or not. What are his reasons for not coming back? You say he doesn't 'get it' but have your really explained to him how you feel? Is there any chance couples counselling would help if he agreed. However assuming he doesn't decide to come back, the anger will probably come when you realise he likes the status quo and doesn't want it to change as it suits him i.e. you are not as important to him as you should be. In the meantime live with the sadness of a potential marriage end, and start doing things that make you happy.

How often do you see OH? In 13 years did you ever discuss moving to be with him?

Start having a life and going out to work now OP.

Do what single parents do and organise childcare and maybe start with part time work that requires less childcare.

I suspect he’s in the Middle East (as am I). So many men here with families at home leading the life of Reilly. Would you consider moving to where he is with the remaining two kids? If not, get a clear overview of the financial situation and consult a lawyer. The reality is that you’ve not been in a relationship for 14 years - it’s more of a business arrangement.

Similar to this. You’re a single mom with kids but you have a male provider of money. Use it to your advantage.

Sorry all a friend came round. He's taken the youngest two to his mothers. He's pissed off because I refused to go with him. My kids are not young, the youngest being 14. It was his attitude. By crying/talking through with her it's the realisation that he thinks he's 'provided for me'. But he's forgotten that I've enabled that! Our youngest was in hospital 3 weeks ago with sepsis. Did he come home?? Of course no! Our Lodger was running around for me getting stuff etc. (we'd been sent in an ambulance straight from the GP with a 'non-blanching' rash)

But stupidly I always thought we'd retire together. Do things together. But you're very very right - it's not his money.

I suppose it's because it's day 0 of trying to work out what's next.

Spot on! Even with his daughter in hospital on a drip with sepsis he still phoned me from that bar, but that's ok because that's where he's getting his dinner from!

Why does my heart hurt. I want anger!

Ah.. hand hold from me. ExH was also living this life whilst I brought up our two children both with autism alone from the age of 3.. the double life was eventually discovered and he'd spent an awful lot of money living the high life. I see very little of it even using credit cards to pay household bills. Do you have any control over the financial side of the marriage-you have to be quick to get some sort of evidence/control.! 13 years is a long time, I suspect there's a whole other life overseas. 😞

I think this is probably the right route. Our finances are completely transparent, sometimes too transparent with him questioning what I buy until I tell him where to go! He does have an offshore account as he's paid in dollars but we live well. I've spent the last 3 years saying he needs to come home and I'd rather downsize but be together. Like @rockingbird mine (all 4) are somewhere on the spectrum, my eldest went to a special needs school and even though my 3rd dc is 18 with both autism and ADHD diagnoses they're a long way from being emotionally 'adult'.

He stated that since two are at uni my workload must have halved - I wish! They're, admittedly my fault, too used to say jump to me and me replying how high.

Take legal advice. If he's abroad and you're in the UK there could be a battle over jurisdiction. You need to know where you will get the fairest outcome - it can be very very different.

You will probably want to think that isn't necessary. And of course that's the hope. But these things don't always work as planned.

As I'm finding out. 😪

@Wills there are FB groups British Mums in Dubai/Saudi etc. similar scenarios are regularly discussed there and people who have been in the same situation may be able to give you helpful
advice about jurisdictions/ lawyers etc. I hope everything works out for you.

This sounded such good advice until you find he's already having the affair!

@Wills, I’m so sorry, that must have come as such a shock.

That is very sad but it sounds like your relationship has been a cover for more or less completely separate lives for a long time. I had two friends whose husbands stayed in the ME when they came home. It was very had on both of them. It was for 3 years and 1 year though and that was absolutely long enough.

I do think everything in life is a choice and we don’t always like the choices we have to make. Again you are faced with a choice there is no right or wrong but you have to live with the consequences of the choice after. Get yourself set up in the best possible position and make your choice as another poster pointed out you have the benefit of a half in half out position for as long as you need unless your DH jumps first.

But he keeps telling me I'm his best friend and he doesn't know what he'll do without me.