WWYD - when you suddenly realise your marriage is coming to an end

[Wills]

I’m mid 50s and my husband works abroad. He says he still loves me (although his actual words were he couldn’t imagine being without me) but all his friends are at work and he can’t imagine anything worse than leaving there. Meanwhile I’ve raised our 4 children (for the last 13 years) pretty much as a single mum. I don’t work and don’t have much of a social life. When I originally agreed to him going out there it was to be for a maximum of 3 years to pay off the mortgage and it’s slowly crept into now. I asked him 2 years ago that I needed him home so I could go out to work, start having a life but he doesn’t get that.

Aside from the hurt, the desire to simply beg him to love me, another part wants to say you bastard. But I’m equally responsible here. I need to focus on rebuilding a life separate to him, but how do I do that when I’ve still got two kids still at home?

Thing is you need and want a husband and partner, not a best friend.

When did you find out about the affair and has he ended it?

Does he plan to go back to the ME for work?

If he’s ended the affair and he plans to go back to the ME for work, in your situation I’d play the long game at the moment. Once he’s back there you can take time to really think about what you want and it will give you time to get your ducks in a row at your own pace. Don’t rush into anything without really exploring your options first and make sure you move things at your own pace, once you are ready.

Does he want to stay married or does he want to separate?

I wouldn't care what he wanted. He's voted with his feet so far. If he is seeing someone else over there he could drop you without notice. If I were you I'd get a record of all finances and then file for divorce.

At the same time, look at how you are with your children. It's one thing having to give extra support and totally another to jump because they tell you to.

What kind of work do you want to go into?

It isn't really an affair with that level of distance and time living away. It's much more likely a full blown relationship.

As painful as it is, he seems very checked out. Not coming back when your child has sepsis is a massive disconnect from his family and children.

He has a whole separate life that has been built up for more than a decade.

If he wanted to be married to you and an active and involved father to his children, he would come back. End the affair.

But that isn't the life he wants. He wants the fun, freedom and being able to pat him self on the back pretending he is doing his part by financially providing for you all.

You have been doing it all for so long. But that was thinking you would have your time at the end of this period to experience the things you wanted.

You clearly are a strong person, you have been in a half way house for so long you probably don't even recognise how capable you are, because you felt you had a safety net in him.

The hospital incident along should show you, you haven't had that.

I would get very very clear on the financial aspect of things as a priority. Then think about the time, space and social circle you have currently.

Personally I would be so angry with him I would need to be in front of a therapist ASAP so I could express it without blowing everything up until I really understood what my financial future would look like.

@Wills, my heart goes out to you. How disingenuous of your cheating H to lament losing his ‘best friend’ when he has been making an utter mockery of you and his family.

You have given your All to this man and your 4 children to facilitate and support his career abroad. All of your children are ND, and you have essentially reared them single-handedly while managing the myriad of home and life responsibilities.

This set-up requires deep commitment and trust, so H’s abuse of yours must be shattering. He has made destructive, unethical choices: infidelity, inequality, dishonesty, theft of your agency, lack of empathy, abandonment. He has let you all down spectacularly. It’s a low-quality loser who ignores his hospitalized, septic child while living it up with his mistress.

I read your other current thread, where you are receiving excellent advice regarding how to champion yourself. Knowledge is power, so get legal and financial advice asap. Access IC to help you move through the grieving process, gain clarity, and make decisions. Also, gray rock your interactions with your betrayer.

@Wills, you have always used your strength and gumption to help your children navigate their world. You’ve been badly injured by H, but you will meet this trauma head-on and will prevail.

Your heart hurts as his actions as so hurtful :(

I have been working in the Middle East for some time now. He is most likely in another relationship rather than an affair. I personally know of one that has been ongoing for over 3 years now to the extent he has moved to the country where she is now working!
as far as I know he has no intention of divorcing and the wife has no clue!

Id never trust a man enough to give up work and raise children and Ive been proved right twice and suddenly ditched by husbands. Thank God for my career.
You need to get working fast and planning the next move, talk to a solicitor.
Get your own bank account..
You do not need to be at home full time if your youngest is 14.

My father worked abroad for many years from when I was 9 to 21.

My mother got increasingly resentful at being left alone to bring up myself and my two brothers, particularly when we entered our teens. There was no way on Earth my father was going to give up the ex-pat lifestyle though, mainly because it meant he could live as a single man and shag around!

He finally left my mother for another woman, 6 months after my younger brother turned 18. It was quite deliberate. The family home had to be sold and my mother ended up with nothing. She'd been a stay at home mother the whole time and never really built a life for herself - she didn't even learn to drive.

In your shoes I'd accept that the marriage is over, and try and get the best financial settlement you can, to enable you to make a life of your own.

Thank you all for your responses. I’m currently sat in a dark and dingy hotel room near my eldest but I’m scared shitless. I did this because I just can’t bear to be around him, but now sat alone in this room feels horrendous. It’s Father’s Day tomorrow and I was trying to not spend the day crying for them. But this feels like a massive mistake.

If it feels like a mistake, then check back out and go home? You shouldn't be the one exiting the home, it should be him. After all, he's been living elsewhere 13 years already. Go home and ask him to leave.

He is the adulterer, so he is the one who needs to stay elsewhere, @Wills. His mother clearly lives in the vicinity. Is he refusing to stay with her or somewhere else?