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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please reply please help I'm desperate

44 replies

Hippychickbbbb · 09/06/2024 00:27

lowered the medication I'm not drinking I'm on a diet to lose weight but he says I'm too big he doesn't find me attractive he takes her to school dd she's 9 I pick her up I've suggested dates he said he doesn't want to go on he said he doesn't have any feelings for me when I tried to hold his hand he said I made his skin crawl the time before when I tried to hold his hand we have not being intermate for nearly 2 years I found this really hard! He's just not interested! He spends most of his time in his room he works from home we have separate rooms I was crying saying I still loved him he said I was being manipulative I wasn't I was being genuine he has told me I'm mental when I was crying before this is cruel I had severe allergies he rolled his eyes at me he said I was hard to love because of my allergies I tried not to talk to him about it I tried not to talk about my problems I offer him massages I said he can talk if he wants I cook him special dinners I make jokes i suggest spending time together when dd is in bed I take an interest in his hobbies I said I was just talking about my feelings he said your feeling in a nasty way he mocked me when I spoke I said don't mock me I will mock you he said he used to be caring holding my hand when I was upset a lot more patient I tried walking about he got annoyed with way I walked away he said if you go for a walk it's divorce he grabbed me! He said your annoying you fall over! I said I was going to hold your hand but didn't he rolled his eyes I cook dinners help clean the house offer to help him with things he got annoyed as I damaged my knee and I mentioned it he smirked when he saw me writing in my journal on good days we get on but it's me making the effort to go out ect we were in a tent I was reminiscing over good times I said I want things back he said enough stop go go he grabbed me around the neck to try and push me out the tent I was shocked I was going to go to my friends house he said that was manipulative it wasn't a friend said he's abusive your marriage is over dead it's gone she said sell the house leave with dd I'm too scared his family hate me he go see them his sister blames me for all of this I've tried everything to make it work I'm thinking of separating we tried couple's counciling he said he didn't love me! He found a letter about me saying he was gaslighting him he said it's over! But he said we can still live together but as friend s please help I'm finding this traumatic I feel alone my friend said I was trauma dumping as I was crying to her he asked for a divorce on mothers day she said to not cry to a friend she upset me I cry my eyes out over this my mum keeps saying she won't have me back she won't see me she's too busy I don't drive she said she would send me back if I got a taxi to her i try and spend special time with dd she said she hoped I burned to death this was upsetting I told her off please reply I'm desperate!

OP posts:
cannonballz · 09/06/2024 00:29

well, sorry to sound harsh, but the relationship is over - time to plan to move on

GrazingSheep · 09/06/2024 00:29

Agree with previous poster.

ShowerOfShites · 09/06/2024 00:30

It's dead in the water and has been for ages.

What plans have you made to separate?

PinkSunsetSky · 09/06/2024 00:32

It sounds really bad .
Please don’t think you have nowhere to go
Contact your local council
You can be rehoused if you are fleeing abuse (he is being horrid , this is abuse )

TheShellBeach · 09/06/2024 00:32

He sounds ghastly and you're well rid of him.

Whentheboatcomein · 09/06/2024 00:33

He sounds like a turd, you are better off without him dragging you down

Crackwillow · 09/06/2024 00:33

It would help if you had support to leave. This is not going to get better.

RogueFemale · 09/06/2024 00:35

He sounds like a very nasty person. You'll feel much better if you have nothing more to do with him.

TheShellBeach · 09/06/2024 00:38

You can contact Women's Aid or the police if you need help to leave.

Ilovebees · 09/06/2024 00:40

Your partner is crazy , he is treating you very bad and doesn’t respect you . I don’t know why you are doing all these nice things for him when he clearly doesn’t appreaciate it ?!
To him , your are very unattractive because you’re too clingy , you try too hard and you’re too easy for him , he could get away with a murder and you’d still forgive him .
it seems that you’re very scared to be alone and scared that he will leave you , but he knows you won’t and he can treat you however he wants . You don’t seem to have any respect for yourself and that’s why he doesn’t respect you , you let him walk all over you and he’s taken you for granted . You need to run for the hills asap . Sorry .

MistyGreenAndBlue · 09/06/2024 00:42

Well. Aren't you just surrounded by arseholes?
I think you need to contact womens' aid for help to leave this utter bastard. He's abusive make no mistake.

Your so-called friend is nothing of the sort and needs ditching asap. And as for your mother... words fail me - the horrible cow.

There ARE nicer people in the world. Honestly. Reach out to them you deserve better and so does your child.
Good luck

Teenson · 09/06/2024 00:52

For what it’s worth, I agree with misty above, you are surrounded by people who don’t sound very helpful or supportive.
Please call Woman’s Aid asap. You will find that they are very helpful, will listen, support, and offer suggestions. Please do this first, you sound as if you need some time to prioritize yourself and they will help you. Best of luck

imfae · 09/06/2024 00:57

I am sorry that you find yourself in such an awful situation . You and your daughter deserve so much more .
He is being abusive and is treating you with contempt . I am sorry that your friend and your Mum aren't there to support you .

It sounds like you are a people pleaser and put others needs ahead of your own and they are not there for you when you need it .

The world is full of lovely people but unfortunately the ones that you have in your life do not have your back .

You cannot on your own make the relationship work . I think for your daughter you need to show her what a good relationship is and you are not doing that currently, as your partner is treating you very badly .
I agree with what others have said that you need to contact Woman's aid & or your local authority about getting out of your situation .

Think ahead to the future , if your daughter came and told you the same situation , you would tell her to leave with her child . You would say to her that you are worthy and should be treated with respect and dignity . You need to do this .

I hope that you and your daughter are able to get out and find the happiness that you both deserve .

Opentooffers · 09/06/2024 01:05

You need to accept its over, stop doing things for him. You are separated but living under the same roof by his own description. In that case let him feed himself and do his own washing and cleaning, it's not your job to anymore.

You need to get a solicitor and start divorce proceedings so you can get what's due to you - at least half the assets. Meantime don't engage with him and certainly no camping holidays, or family time. It's time to be and act separate. At least you are married so he can't kick you out, and you should aim to get at least half of all assets - including his pension, your savings etc.

velveteens · 09/06/2024 01:19

Leave him. It's that simple.

Hippychickbbbb · 09/06/2024 01:39

Well I haven't made any plans but I'm definitely going to a lawyer

OP posts:
KikiShaLeeBopDeBopBop · 09/06/2024 01:45

He is abusive, please leave him

CremeFresh · 09/06/2024 01:48

He put his hands around your neck, this is so dangerous for a woman. Contact Women's Aid and get out asap.

DreamTheMoors · 09/06/2024 01:59

Listen to the wise women here, OP.
The man in your house has left the building.
The monster that remains is an arsehole with nothing to offer you but insults and dread. He’ll drag you down until you drown from your own misery.
Believe in yourself and believe in your life.
GTFO ASAP ❤️

pikkumyy77 · 09/06/2024 02:09

Good that you posted. You need to leave as soon as you can. Don’t worry snymore about fixing it. Its beyond broken.

SeaWorkout · 09/06/2024 02:12

Lawyer
Womens Aid
Divorce him

Don't stay living together “as friends”

Southern68 · 09/06/2024 02:17

Divorce the abusive waste of space, women's aid, local council for refuges and benefits and emergency housing. Take your dd and don't look back, imagine how much better you'll feel when you're safe and not dreading opening your mouth.
Just a thought, if you have a medical condition apply for pip too.

ManilowBarry · 09/06/2024 02:17

You can't make someone love you.

The more you declare you love him the more he'll twist the knife.

You have to accept that if you haven't been intimate in two years then he has gone elsewhere.

He resents you and doesn't sound like he even likes you.

I don't believe there is any hope of any reconciliation as he despises you.

Why would you want to be with someone so horrible? Even if he started being nice to you then you would live in deer that he would turn on you at any time!

For your own sanity you need to split up.

MonsteraMama · 09/06/2024 02:30

Please listen to your friend who told you only the truth when she said your marriage is abusive and over. It's not supposed to be like this. Ever.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/06/2024 05:53

It's not your fault that you have an unloving, unsupportive mother. She has shown you a terrible pattern of love and relationships which laid you wide open to being with a partner who treats you badly. You sound sweet and affectionate and there's no way you deserve this. I'm afraid everyone is right, this relationship has run its course and the wisest and safest thing for you to do is to start finding out how to end it safely, and get what you are entitled to out of it (not what he says, but what the law says you should have). You don't want to model this type of non-partnership to your daughter and risk her ending up in the same sad place. It's hard, but it is so worth it when you're out. Start by trying to believe in yourself. You will find support here. (And possibly some nasty posters too, because this is the internet. Please don't take them to heart.)