Feeling sad about being told I'm "punching"

[TheresGotToBeMoreToLife22]

I (f 38) saw an acquaintance at a school event today. I took my partner (m 31) with me.

When my partner went to the bathroom, the acquaintance (male, 40ish) said to me "New boyfriend? ... Well done... I think you're punching to be fair"

I just felt a bit taken aback. My partner IS good looking, but to be told so blatantly that I'm not worthy or good looking enough for him stings.

I think men get told they are 'punching' all the time and I don't like to hear that. It's seems unnecessarily cruel.

I just feel flat and a bit sad and ugly 😔

One thing I've learned is often when people are happy in relationships other people try to destroy it for some reason. I let family do this to me. F* 'em!

I dont consider it rude or insulting, its been said to me, even by my own dad 🤣I'm 100% punching. But then I grew up with that being quite a normal concept/phrase. "Woah he's punching" is practically a compliment.

My DP is bloody gorgeous, I am not, I am punching. But a life partner isn't based on being equally attractive to the opposite sex in general. It's about attraction to eachother, compatibility, sexually and life goals, do you want the same things, do you work for them. DP and I are absolutely perfect for eachother, and yes I am very lucky that my ideal life partner came in such a gorgeous box.

You can't just decide any comment any man makes that to don't like is negging.

I didn't. This isn't just any comment that I don't like. You want some examples of other offensive shit men say to women that isn't negging? We'll be here all day. It's quite the repertoire.

But a woman who he doesn't know and is literally there with someone else and he's insulting her looks for no reason? It's classic. It's designed to undermine her self confidence and while he probably didn't think he really had a chance of getting her into bed even if he acted like a human, he clearly saw her, saw a reason she should feel confident, that didn't suit him and...classic neg.

The fact that you're now trying trying to twist it as a compliment to her, even as you claim he really thought she was ugly is actually rather breathtaking. I think that might be the most arse about face twist on it I've ever seen.

If, for some reason, you have never experienced men who want to chip away at the self confidence they assume you must have from looking at you, well, lucky, lucky you. It's a thing. Women experience it. Men write books about it and start Internet subcultures about it. And when we recognise it about 30 years after they gave it a name (it existed before then), we are told we are imagining it, we really are ugly, but take it as a compliment!

Ridiculous.

You are reading it all wrong.

If someone says to you that you are 'punching', it is a compliment. They are saying they like your partner, and you have met a lovely partner, without getting in to fawning about how attractive they are, or something else which would just sound a bit weird to most ears.

I just felt a bit taken aback. My partner IS good looking, but to be told so blatantly that I'm not worthy or good looking enough for him stings.

Nobody has said, or implied this, apart from your imagination.
You perhaps need to work on your own self esteem.

If someone says to you that you are 'punching', it is a compliment. They are saying they like your partner, and you have met a lovely partner, without getting in to fawning about how attractive they are

Of course it's not a compliment, except to the partner! They're telling you you're dating someone who is somehow superior to you, usually that they're better looking. Nobody is so socially stunted that they don't know the difference between "good for you, your new boyfriend is fabulous!" and "wow, punching above your weight with that new boyfriend, aren't you!"

So much nonsense telling us that black is white and insults are compliments. I wonder why.

No that's exactly what it does mean. That you are inferior to your partner

I've been told that to my face too. I'm keenly aware I'm ugly, and he's not. Especially as we've aged together (been together over 20 years), I've just got even more ugly (older, fatter, wrinkles), whereas he's just even more handsome as a silver fox. I can't even compare.

No, that's exactly what it means - the colleague was saying op has done well for herself punching above what she should be punching at - ie he's handsome, she's not as attractive.

I'd just like to add that adding "you need to work on your self esteem" to a woman, as if she's the problem, right after going arse about face over a man insulting her...is also rather classic behaviour. Man insults woman? Insult was probably true, but it was actually really a compliment, and the woman is the problem anyway because of her self esteem. She should work on that. Why on earth might she have poor self esteem after experiences and follow up experiences like this? Oh, it's a mystery.

Fuck's sake. I can sort of see why some men and a few lucky women don't believe it happens because it's so absolutely pants on head ridiculous that I'd struggle to believe it myself if I didn't see so much of it.

This has hit the nail on the head!

This ... with bells on!

Any chance it could have been good humoured, just intended to say – handsome chap you’ve got there!

Although whatever way you slice it (and even if meant to be light hearted and silly), it is rude

It’s not negging, not in this context.

It is, but you know what, it actually doesn't matter if he didn't think she was attractive (which I assume is what makes the all important difference because I don't think anyone thinks he expected to take her home). It was most definitely intended to take her down a peg, chip away at her confidence, and in this context, that's the actual point.

It is negging, whether you recognise it or not. There is not a specific 'context' for negging.

What is going on here is a classic situation of a man seeing a woman (from his point of view) doing better than he himself is at dating and he resents her because of it. Because he's a man - he thinks he should have the upper hand in dating.

So he makes her feel bad - and it worked! It boils down to misogyny.

A man saying it to another man is not the same thing especially if they are friends.

Men will use the term punching to other men as a "well done", always seems to be in a friendly manner and done as a compliment. Maybe not right to say it too a woman, but as others have said, take it as a compliment and feel proud

Acquaintance is a cunt
that’s all

Absolutely!

having an attractive partner is seen as doing well for yourself.

In some people's value systems, maybe. Shallow people.