Is this narcissistic?

[Lunamolly3]

My boyfriend was visiting his mum in another city and we made plans to buy an engagement ring the next day, We were texting till around 2am. The next day he texted me at 2pm to say he's just woken up l, i replied hed have to hurry over if we were getting the ring, he didn't answer my texts or calls then untill after 11pm. He just said he was sleeping, I asked if he had gone to bed so late why he hadn't texted to cancel. He said he had no charger then changed it to his phone was on silent. We have been dating 4 years. We are in our 40's. I feel like he is a liar.

No.

The term narcissist is bandied around far too much. A narcissist is essentially on a level with a psychopath or sociopath, they have similar traits as each other which means that telling ONE lie means he is either getting cold feet or likes to lie but nothing at all like a narcissist.

It sounds like a severe case of cold feet to me. Liar, yes. Narcissist, no. Has he shown any other signs of being untrustworthy in the last four years?

Absolutely nothing to do with being a narcissist!

He doesn't sound that invested in your relationship.

Doesn't sound narcissistic however he doesn't seem to want to buy an engagement ring

He said he wanted to get engaged to me but an outsider has told me he is not serious and making a fool of me. I asked him about this and he assured me they were wrong and so we planned to buy a ring.

@Lunamolly3 Firstly you should not be listening to any outsiders views on your relationship. At best the term is possibly gaslighting but talk to him about it. If you cannot have this one conversation then a ring is the least of your worries.

He doesn't sound keen.

Why get engaged to someone who can't be arsed to get out of bed to get the ring with you?

I didnt take much notice of her at first but his actions seem to prove her right. If I speak to him about it he says he does want to get engaged but it's hard to believe him after that, I don't want to push him into it.

If he wanted to buy the ring he'd have bought the ring.
He isn't considering your feelings at all.
Pull away for a while, consider if this is really what you want to be legally tied to.

This in isolation is not narcissistic behaviour….just extremely shitty and suspicious. I’ve got a feeling there’s a massive and unpleasant backstory that perhaps, added together, amount to narcissism. Hard to know without more info, but whoever it is who made comment that he’s going to mess you around re engagement must have had some inkling due to some previous issues?

Well, it sounds like the "outsider" was right to cast doubts on your relationship. Call me a cynical old cow, but I'd be very surprised if this is the first time you've had cause to doubt him in the last four years. I just get the sense of a backstory here...?

Why would you stay in a relationship with someone you'd listen to 'an outsider' about?!

I didnt listen initially but it looks like they were right. It's cobfusing when you are with someone who is constantly telling you they want to marry you and then does this.

If the outsider's view has any bearing at all on how you see him, get out of the relationship.

If you think he's a liar, get out of the relationship.

If you think he might be a narcissist, get out of the relationship.

Do you think that any of these are feelings you'd have towards a compatible partner?

Forget the outsider. She may be a trouble maker or sincere at wanting to help you. You don't know.

But -

'We were texting till around 2am.' - why?

Of course he was tired next day if you were wittering in to him until the early hours about a blasted ring!

'The next day he texted me at 2pm to say he's just woken up l, i replied hed have to hurry over if we were getting the ring,' -

Sounds like you were nagging him to get up and get your ring NOW! No wonder he turned his phone off and went back to been

A ring on your finger means buffer all if he's not that keen and he's not that keen.

You do sound a bit uptight about this ring business and the lack of spontaneity in buying a ring does sound rather forced and cold.

I would let this one go as you've been together four years and already have attracted negativity from an outside person which may or may not have some truth in what they say.

He doesn't want to commit to you.

Set him free.

Sounds a bit like a lazy ass not a narcissist.

Why are you using the word narcissistic?

I'm not seeing the connection to narcissism?

However, he sounds like he is making a mug of you. I'd ditch him.

To me buying a ring is a serious thing and then to not follow through seems cruel.

A narc would have you married within months to ensure you couldn’t leave. You wouldn’t be allowed to express your needs and have to tip toe around an adult child who had explosive tantrums at the very mention of you expressing a need or emotion. You would be an empty shell whose sole purpose would be to validate and admire your partner. You would be erased. This man sounds like lots of other men who are trying to stall. A person who wants you will not behave this way. Just a common garden man unfortunately.

Sounds like a garden variety case of: Actions speak louder than Words.

@Lunamolly3 it is cruel. And lazy.

It speaks volumes.

If he wanted to buy a ring he would.

Move on, don't waste your energy on him.

I'm sorry.

I agree. OP sounds quite desperate to be engaged

Just had a look through a previous thread of yours from around this time last year - on there it seems like you had a lot of issues, people were telling you that you were both toxic and abusive, and you ended the thread by commenting stating you had told him it was best for you both to separate.

So why are you even still with him (especially if you think this is narcissistic) and why do you even want to marry him?

He cleaned his act up since then. I wanted to belive the nice things he was saying were true.