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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

feel like I will never satisfy him sexually

36 replies

fedupwithhisdemands · 07/04/2008 11:08

I just feel like I will never satisfy him sexually.
I thought that our sex life was quite good - we must have sex twice a week, and the longest he has ever gone without is about 2 weeks.
He has a much bigger sex drive than me. I would be happy to have sex once a month tbh.
But this isnt enough for him. He tells me that our sex life is non-existent. But I am giving WAY more than I actually want!
And he says sex isnt exciting. Well

  1. If he wakes me up in the morning / after I have gone to bed to have sex and AGREES to have sex although I am half asleep, then I really dont think he is being fair. No it wasnt exciting, but YOU WOKE ME UP!!!!
  2. I cant give him sex as often as he wants AND make it exciting. I dont just lie back by any means, and enjoy different positions etc, but I have a problem with sex toys / dressing up / handcuffs etc. I have no experience, he is my only sexusal partner, and it all scares me a bit. And to make it worse, I was brought up in a very religious family, and sex was never discussed. It was even frowned upon. So I have lots of issues anyway. We have an 18 month old dd, I am constantly tired, but I STILL try to have sex as often as he wants. But he makes no allowances for how I feel.
OP posts:
Anna8888 · 07/04/2008 11:10

Do you orgasm from penetration?

fedupwithhisdemands · 07/04/2008 11:11

No. orally and with a vibrator on my own, but never through penetration.

OP posts:
HuwEdwards · 07/04/2008 11:11

you're not his posession to use whenever he feel like it!

notjustmom · 07/04/2008 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anna8888 · 07/04/2008 11:13

You are not letting go and enjoying sex.

You will not satisy him if you do not satisfy yourself.

Try to see a sex therapist. Or at the very least read some good books about enjoyment of sex.

notjustmom · 07/04/2008 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BetteNoir · 07/04/2008 11:15

There sounds as much of an issue with your DP having a lack of respect for you, as there does with the sexual incompatibility.

As for it not being excited, explain to him that if he stopped the constant nagging and badgering for sex, and took some time to see that you are exhausted, that might help.

You need to have a rest, take some time to be a woman, not just a mother, and your partner needs to show you that he loves you.

You need to be seduced by the man you chose as a life partner, not pestered by some nagging bloke who has a tantrum and throws insults whenever he doesn't get his end away.

You both need to talk very frankly about how you are feeling, and reach a compromise with how you progress.

And if you don't want to try out the sex toys, dressing up, handcuffs etc, then don't. It doesn't mean you are sexually repressed. It just means you don't like sex toys, dressing up and handcuffs.

He is eroding your self confidence, and making you feel like you owe it to him to do whatever he wants, and if you don't, he criticises you.

That is unfair.

BetteNoir · 07/04/2008 11:16

"You are not letting go and enjoying sex.

You will not satisy him if you do not satisfy yourself."

Anna, I wouldn't let go and enjoy sex with a man who constantly pesters, and whinges if he doesn't get sex when and how he wants.

It doesn't sound like he is doing much to tune into her needs and satisfy her, does it?

fedupwithhisdemands · 07/04/2008 11:21

His waking me up for sex isnt a really regular occurence. But it's what happened when we last had sex, and he just complained to me that our sex life is crap and not exciting.

And he does have a sulk if he doesnt get sex. So much so, that it makes me feel like the bad person, and I will sometimes have sex with him anyway.

Bloody hell, I don't give into my toddlers tantrums, but I do my dh's

But I don't think he respects me, or else surely he wouldnt make our sex life out to be so crap even though he knows my issues and knows I am trying.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 07/04/2008 11:21

"I thought that our sex life was quite good - we must have sex twice a week, and the longest he has ever gone without is about 2 weeks."

The OP's perception of a "quite good" sex life is wrong - she is not reaching orgasm .

Maybe her partner is at fault. But she needs to examine her own feelings, first and foremost.

HappyWoman · 07/04/2008 11:22

How about making a night of it - try and get in the mood and tell him that it would help if he did his bit with the dd.

I know it sounds a bit formal but if you knew you did not have to get up the next morning for dd you may be able to relax a bit.

Tell him how tired you are and would like him to understand that is the reason you dont want it not a rejection of him as such.

notjustmom · 07/04/2008 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupwithhisdemands · 07/04/2008 11:27

HappyWoman - we have already discussed all of this. And he is a great dad to dd. Sometimes he doesnt pester me, but then it wuickly goes back to him nagging me for sex, and making me feel bad if I say no. And then he moans about how crap our sex life is.

I am just thinking that no matter how hard I try with him, it will never be good enough.

The thing is that this has gone on for a few years now, and so I think now that I just resent having to essentially GIVE him ses iyswim.

OP posts:
fedupwithhisdemands · 07/04/2008 11:28

We have even tried making amonthly date where we make sex a bit more exciting.
But apparently that is too long between 'good sex' and its not all that good anyway.

My god, as I write this, it is really clear what an arsehole he is.

OP posts:
notjustmom · 07/04/2008 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cyteen · 07/04/2008 11:35

I'm not surprised you resent having to give him sex - it doesn't sound like he's giving you any kind of sex you want. Good sex is about quality as well as quantity, and until you can strike a balance that satisfies both of you it will always be crap. Tell him that - put the onus back on him to improve things. It's not all up to you!

Sorry, feeling a bit on your behalf.

fedupwithhisdemands · 07/04/2008 11:36

The porn thing really strikes a chord to me.
He has a lot of porn from the internet.

OP posts:
cyteen · 07/04/2008 11:39

I think you also need to find out what you class as good sex, fedup. What do you like/want? What could he (or substitute fantasy figure) do that would flick your switch?

fedupwithhisdemands · 07/04/2008 11:40

I think I want more romance.
Any fantasies I have are more about before sex, rather than actual sex. Except that it's passionate (but no sex toys, handcuffs etc involved!)

OP posts:
cyteen · 07/04/2008 11:44

More romance is good...more romance helps to create the sex as a whole experience rather than just fleshy mechanics, which let's face it is what porn turns it into. If he's consuming a lot of porn he's probably lost sight of all the intangible stuff that makes for great intimate+passionate loving.

OverMyDeadBody · 07/04/2008 11:44

Tell him it takes two to have good sex and that if he doesn't think it's that good then he needs to take responsibility.

Tell him you're not enjoying it either. Does he make sure you come every time as well or is it just about his needs? Maybe make that a requirement. If he wants the sex to improve he needs to put in the effort.

Agree that quality is far more important than quantity.

OverMyDeadBody · 07/04/2008 11:45

Let him know then that you'd enjoy sex more if there was more of a romantic build-up to it and more pleaseure for you before he shoots his load.

fedupwithhisdemands · 07/04/2008 11:46

So what suggestions can I give him to be more romantic?
We have been toghether for years, so any romance is long gone.

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 07/04/2008 11:47

Firstly, this may sound harsh but imagine if you wanted sex every day and got it twice a week from someone who was obviously unwilling and not at all into it.

Sex is a tiny part of a relationship if going well but a HUGE part if going badly, and it isn't just you that is unhappy with your sex life.

I totally understand you feel like shit and he isnt making it any easier by being such a child about it but this is something you're both unhappy with.

He needs to stop pressuring you and you need to try making more of an effort, there are times I really cant be othered with sex but once I get into it it's a different story, however DP will make sure he satisfies me which is something your partner isn't doing.

Next time he says it's crap tell him, 'Yes, you're right it is crap, I don't enjoy it because I feel taken advantage of and you don't try to pleasure me, and you don't enjoy it because I'm not into it and don't really want to do it.'

It's a swings and roundabouts situation, you both need to try doing it for each other for a while, him treating you and making you feel special, it's amazing how much sexier you feel after being run a bath and left to drink a glass of wine in there with some candles whilst your partner is downstairs cooking your dinner (or dishing up a takeaway if they arent a great cook!)

Dressing up doesn't need to be nurses and pvc, why not buy yourself some absolutely delicious underwear that YOU like and wear that? Something that makes you feel like a gorgeous woman again?

Tell him to take it slow and let YOU come onto HIM. If he puts all that effort in you can then do the same and not feel like it's a one way street. Make it mindblowing (that doen't mean be filthy, it means connect, get into it, let yourself relax). Hopefully after a night like that he'll realise that it's HIS doing that is making it bad, because you don't feel sexy.

You need to put aside all resentment for it though, think of it as you being treated like a woman should, concentrate on YOUR orgasm, not his. Be selfish.

cyteen · 07/04/2008 11:49

Only you can answer that

Maybe try this: write down (for yourself) your ideal fantasy scenario from start to finish, detailing everything that happens, how you both feel, what he does, what you do. Write down every detail no matter how seemingly insignificant. It might help you concentrate your thoughts about what would improve matters for you, and give you ideas to suggest to him. And maybe (if discussion is going well and he seems receptive to the idea) ask him what he would do - make him actually think about you as a whole person, not just a hole.