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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friendship - should I stick it out?

28 replies

OneCoolGreyZebra · 08/06/2024 08:37

I made a new friend two years ago. Her 3 kids are the same age as mine.
My husband and I got on well with her and her husband.
We hung out regularly. We were always making family plans, it was ace.

About a year into the friendship she made a new group of friends for her daughter, which didn’t include mine, I was fine with that, thought it was odd at the time that my daughter wasn’t included as they were best friends. But just got on with it. (our girls were 8 when we all met)

My daughter would occasionally hear from school that her friend was off doing things with this group, it bothered her a bit why she wasn't included so after about a year I arranged a group date and didn’t include any of them as they were already in their own splinter group. My friend always said how she wanted her kid to have lots of friends so I decided if it was good for the goose…

I’m not sure if this is what started the decline of our friendship.

Around this time there was another friend of mine whose daughter goes to school with mine, she was consistently mean to my kid. After several times of the girl hitting my daughter, I spoke with her mum. It didn’t go well,so my friendship with her ended.

What happens next, my friend from the first paragraph starts inviting the mean kid for sleepovers and abruptly stops all communication with me and hasn't invited my daughter to anything ever again. They had nothing to do with each other before. This has been going on for a year.

I don’t think I have done anything wrong. I have analysed this for months to try and recall if I've said or done something. I'm sad my friendship with the first person has ended. It is odd because when I see her she is always polite. We see each other now weekly in our younger kids playgroup and always have a nice chat.

I do recall while typing this that about 10 months ago she was aloof for a time on school drop off but I put it down to being busy, not seeing me, being in a hurry with her baby.

What’s odd is if I message her she responds politely but she never instigates. But in the meantime she has carried on having the girl who was mean over for sleepovers and seems closer to the mum.

I feel let down, we were close, I valued the friendship and had a lot ofrespect for her.

I had a justifiabl issue with the other woman, which she knew about, but instead of being my friend she stepped in to support them and dropped us.

I'm confused. If her kid had an issue with someone else I’d have listened and supported, not gone on the other ones side.

I do wonder if it’s because I made a play date without her kid… but as I said, she arranges play dates without mine all the time and I didn’t get offended.

I keep trying to be open in the hope it'll all click back into place but I feel I'm being punished for something...

OP posts:
NicolaDeLaHaye · 08/06/2024 08:51

People do strange things for the most pathetic of reasons. I think she's a mean girl who's not come out of the closet and has zoned in and picked up on the mean girl traits of the other kid and possibly her mum, maybe even subconsciously. It's not you it's them. Birds of a feather and all that. Is Mummy Mean Girl a proper friend or a mum friend?

Original poster
OneCoolGreyZebra · 08/06/2024 08:53

A mum friend.
Thank you for your reply.

OP posts:
Beautifulbythebay · 08/06/2024 08:53

Ime school gate dm's aren't friends... Just people of convenience for the kids to hang out with... Seems true in this case I am afraid.

Cupcake333333 · 08/06/2024 08:55

Op why don't you ask her if everything is ok , I think some mums get confused with being friends and being friends only if the kids are. Based on what you said you had an actual friendship that involved the hubby's too but some ppl can still be pushed in the direction of their kids when it comes to school mum friends. I would speak to her , I wouldn't mention the kids or playdates. If she isn't able to answer then I would agree you've done your bit and move on from the friendship.

Pemyu · 08/06/2024 08:55

No, I wouldn't stick it out - she has shown you who she is, believe her and don't let that be good enough.

You could spend ages wondering about her reasons but you'll probably not get the the bottom of that. She may simply be the type who gets a kick out of blowing hot and cold with people.

Just be polite and friendly when you see her but she is not friend material. Sometimes it just takes time for that to reveal itself.

Watchkeys · 08/06/2024 08:57

Stick it out? You're not married. If the way she does things doesn't feel good to you, find other friends. You seem to think there's meant to be some kind of commitment you're meant to have. Why?

Cupcake333333 · 08/06/2024 09:17

Watchkeys · 08/06/2024 08:57

Stick it out? You're not married. If the way she does things doesn't feel good to you, find other friends. You seem to think there's meant to be some kind of commitment you're meant to have. Why?

of course they ain't bloody married. They are friends and spent alot of time together. Stop being ridiculous.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/06/2024 09:39

I wouldn't stick it out. She was only nice for a year. That's the honeymoon period so you probabky never got to know the real her. The rest of the time she hasn't been great.

Seaoftroubles · 08/06/2024 09:49

No, just let it be. She was the one who pulled away and you could spend ages wondering why and never knowing. Move on, be polite if you see her but find other friends for you and your daughter.

Anon751117000 · 08/06/2024 10:00

Over the years I have tried to analyse some friendships of my own. A few friends over the years have faded away. From what you have said here, it does look like there has been a deliberate effort in inviting the mean girl for sleepovers, right around the time you fall out with the Mum. For that reason alone, I would not bother with her at all - other than politeness for the kids sake. Don't get dragged into whatever drama this is. Yes she may have a different story to tell but actions speak louder than words - she doesn't value the friendship in the same way you do which means she is not a good enough friend.

Watchkeys · 08/06/2024 10:25

@Cupcake333333

What a weird post. My point was to not assume any kind of commitment to people you're not committed to. Why you'd feel the need to be rude about that is a mystery. Why you'd find it ridiculous is a mystery too.

pinkdelight · 08/06/2024 11:08

They are friends and spent alot of time together. Stop being ridiculous.

I don't think it's that ridiculous. They made friends 2 years ago and haven't been friends for a year, and even in that first year, there were splinter groups and issues. I would agree with PP that this woman wasn't really the OP's friend and that the best friend state of the DD's is fluid, as friendships often are with girls at that age (and any age tbf). It's nice that the families got on for a while and the mums and similar aged DC hung out, but it was 'friends for a season' not for a reason/life and I'd advise OP to waste any more months fruitlessly analysing what she did or didn't do. Definitely don't stick out a friendship that's been so flaky. See it for what it is/was - good for a while but not lasting. Don't get sucked into the dramas of who's friends with who in the school as these things fluctuate and often vanish as soon as they change schools anyway. Focus on people who you have more lasting things in common with.

pinkdelight · 08/06/2024 11:15

If her kid had an issue with someone else I’d have listened and supported, not gone on the other ones side.

I also think this kind of involvement is a problem - expecting her to take your side against a kid who has been mean to your kid, and then being let down because she and her DD like that kid. They're kids. Kids fall out and make up and parents can't micro-manage who their DC like to play with. Definitely need to keep more distance and try not to let playground dramas affect you so much.

Original poster
OneCoolGreyZebra · 08/06/2024 11:21

pinkdelight
Hi, thanks for your comments. I do agree, I don't expect people to support me when I have an issue with someone, but I don't expect them to completely drop us and started inviting them especially when they didn't have a close relationship before… I found it odd!

OP posts:
Cupcake333333 · 08/06/2024 11:35

Really I'm the weird and rude one? Sounds to me like someone can dish it out but they can't take it! Your post was patronising to the op. Have a re read perhaps. 😎

Snappers3 · 08/06/2024 11:47

She is not your friend any longer, if she ever was.
Be polite but avoid.
Focus on other people.
Some women insist on weaponising their children with power plays during primary school.
I have seen a bit of it, but fortunately my children were never involved.
Step away and focus on the future and facilitating nice friendships for your children.

Watchkeys · 08/06/2024 12:52

People are odd, @OneCoolGreyZebra . The trick is to stop engaging with people who don't do things in the way that you personally feel is acceptable. That's how you end up with a life in which all your people make sense to you, and you make sense to them. Continuing to try to have relationships with people whose behaviour baffles you is just investing in more bafflement.

Original poster
OneCoolGreyZebra · 08/06/2024 13:31

Watchkeys · 08/06/2024 12:52

People are odd, @OneCoolGreyZebra . The trick is to stop engaging with people who don't do things in the way that you personally feel is acceptable. That's how you end up with a life in which all your people make sense to you, and you make sense to them. Continuing to try to have relationships with people whose behaviour baffles you is just investing in more bafflement.

You're right!!

OP posts:
TheLadyOfTheFlowers · 08/06/2024 13:40

I think you have dodged an array of bullets there @OneCoolGreyZebra !

Switch off from worrying about it, focus on your daughter's current friendships. Truth will out with things eventually and you will be out of it

doeeyedstan · 08/06/2024 13:46

There are weird weird behaviours with school parents. Sometimes the reason reveals itself (a divorce perhaps which explains why someone was not very friendly ordered, down right horrible. Some people turn their pain out into the works and cause pain for others)
Sometime you just never know. But having traversed it more times that I would have liked, one thing frequently happens. Once your tear group finishes at the school, you discover lots of people had problems with the same parents. Everyone just did their best to avoid conflict. Even people you thought were great friends with them. If I think someone is toxic, I stay away. Some people rather bizarrely like to keep them close until they can fully escape them when they leave the school

Original poster
OneCoolGreyZebra · 08/06/2024 13:59

doeeyedstan · 08/06/2024 13:46

There are weird weird behaviours with school parents. Sometimes the reason reveals itself (a divorce perhaps which explains why someone was not very friendly ordered, down right horrible. Some people turn their pain out into the works and cause pain for others)
Sometime you just never know. But having traversed it more times that I would have liked, one thing frequently happens. Once your tear group finishes at the school, you discover lots of people had problems with the same parents. Everyone just did their best to avoid conflict. Even people you thought were great friends with them. If I think someone is toxic, I stay away. Some people rather bizarrely like to keep them close until they can fully escape them when they leave the school

Sound like wise words.
Interesting to think others are tolerating it.
Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
OneCoolGreyZebra · 08/06/2024 14:00

TheLadyOfTheFlowers · 08/06/2024 13:40

I think you have dodged an array of bullets there @OneCoolGreyZebra !

Switch off from worrying about it, focus on your daughter's current friendships. Truth will out with things eventually and you will be out of it

I never thought of it as dodging potential future bullets but you're right. Thanks.

OP posts:
Mary46 · 08/06/2024 14:03

School friends can be weird. My sister says dont get over involved. Good advice. Op I found with girls friends one day fallouts the next. So I keep more of a distance with it.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/06/2024 14:03

She probably does this a lot. You were useful, and then a new group were more useful. Some people really are this thoughtlessly ruthless. Let them get on with it. You’re trying to figure it out because you wouldn’t behave like that but she obviously doesn’t share your ethics so don’t waste any mental energy on her any more.

Snappers3 · 08/06/2024 14:43

Watchkeys · 08/06/2024 12:52

People are odd, @OneCoolGreyZebra . The trick is to stop engaging with people who don't do things in the way that you personally feel is acceptable. That's how you end up with a life in which all your people make sense to you, and you make sense to them. Continuing to try to have relationships with people whose behaviour baffles you is just investing in more bafflement.

This is so true.
People who have great friends have inevitably weeded out the duds over the years that they met.
Not with drama, but just by realising that their values don't align enough with mine.
My friends aren't clones of me, but they are kind, decent and would help me out inna heartbeat, as I would them.
I wouldn't waste anything more than a polite nod and vague chit chat to this woman if you can avoid it.
Lose her number permanently.
You will be happier for it.