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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why was she like this?

13 replies

family202 · 07/06/2024 19:48

I'll try and condense but

My mum. Loved children, worked with them, would coo over them for hours
I'm an only child

Never hugged, touched or said she loved me
Regularly ignored and refused to speak to me
Would say how fat, ugly, spotty I was
Compared herself to me and how much slimmer she was (I was a size 14, she was a 26)
Blackmailed me into a termination
Would give me stuff/money then hold it over me - like a deposit for a house and then say "if you don't do this, we will sell your house"

Refused to come to hospital when I was having an emergency operation to stop me from being paralysed. Told my dad he couldn't go either as she had just been diagnosed with high blood pressure and he needed to stay with her

Told me to make her a cup of coffee after I had broken my ankle that morning (in plaster) and when I said "how do I carry it to you on crutches?" She told me to crawl or find a way

Often screamed at me for small things, like getting second ear piercings when I was 17 and said she would sell my pet which left me worrying for months

Was incredibly giving/nice to others where people would say how lovely and kind she was. Raved about me to everyone else Confused

Basically appeared to have no interest in me whatsoever and has left me wondering why she actually bothered having me

OP posts:
dimsumfatsum · 07/06/2024 19:54

Because she was an abusive bitch. I'm sorry.

www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-mother/

Mummysgogetter · 07/06/2024 19:55

I was beaten to it by poster above; sorry OP she sounds narcissistic.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/06/2024 19:57

What the previous respondent wrote. Your mother failed you abjectly and women like this cannot do relationships at all. You did not make her that way and it’s not your fault.

Where was your dad whilst all this was going on?. Is he at all in your life now?.

family202 · 07/06/2024 19:59

I didn't realise how not normal it was until I started thinking about it I guess

It's left me terrified if someone is silent, as to what I have done to upset them. I've never had a relationship longer than a year either as I always fuck it up
Was googling attachment styles after I saw something on Instagram and fearful avoidant is definitely me!

OP posts:
family202 · 07/06/2024 20:01

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/06/2024 19:57

What the previous respondent wrote. Your mother failed you abjectly and women like this cannot do relationships at all. You did not make her that way and it’s not your fault.

Where was your dad whilst all this was going on?. Is he at all in your life now?.

Being treated the same but without minimising it, it was a bit Stockholm syndrome as in he had lived with it for 50 years and it was his "normal"
I don't know how she was before she had me, he obviously adored and loved her at some point

He wouldn't be with her when she died as he couldn't face going back. Despite my total lack of attachment to her, I got a very weird feeling around 10pm and went to hospital. Told the nurse at 11.30pm it wouldn't be long and she died 15 mins later. I couldn't face leaving anyone to die alone no matter who they were

OP posts:
minnieot · 07/06/2024 20:02

I'm so sorry you experienced that OP ❤️

justthecat · 07/06/2024 20:06

Sounds like mine, she was a vicious bitch especially in my teen years. Probably jealousy looking back, god knows why, she's been dead years now and I never look back at any fondness for her.
Sorry you had to go through it too

family202 · 07/06/2024 20:07

I always felt she wanted a petite blonde pretty daughter and I was the 5ft 10 redhead that didn't fit her ideal
It was always "X (my friend) is SO pretty. Such blonde hair. Much slimmer than you"

OP posts:
Garlicker · 07/06/2024 20:17

family202 · 07/06/2024 20:07

I always felt she wanted a petite blonde pretty daughter and I was the 5ft 10 redhead that didn't fit her ideal
It was always "X (my friend) is SO pretty. Such blonde hair. Much slimmer than you"

It wouldn't have mattered. Severely disordered people don't see the people in their lives, they only see roles they have appointed according to an internal 'script' of theirs. As you've noted, this even extends to themselves (size 26 but slimmer than a 14).

You deserved to be loved and appreciated for who you are but, sadly, she was incapable of seeing you for yourself at all.

I'm very sorry you were raised this way. Have you seen the Stately Homes threads here? You're not alone!

March 2024 - But we took you to stately homes | Mumsnet

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread. This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' back in December 2007) So this thread...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5032064-march-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

justthecat · 07/06/2024 20:29

Her issues caused this, best thing you can do is leave her where she belongs and enjoy your life

speakball · 07/06/2024 20:57

Well done op, it’s a big step to start this journey. It can feel like we’re being bad just by relaying what happened to us and there’s a very good reason we feel that way. Loving parents wouldn’t have that sort of effect on you.

AnotherCountryMummy · 07/06/2024 21:15

I'm so, so sorry you went through that.

CantBelieveNaive · 08/06/2024 17:12

What a vicious cow! If only people knew the real her! I think she was jealous to be honest! You sound wonderful and very caring! I hope the second part of your life is so much happier as you thoroughly deserve it!! 💕🙏🙌xxxx

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