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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband buying used bras

30 replies

Live4theday · 07/06/2024 16:21

Abit of a long one but I’m going out of my mind and really need some opinions, advice or thoughts on this!
Me and my husband have been married 15 years, last year (October), I found out after a worryingly amount of letters coming through the post that he had been gambling and had got us into a huge amount of debt, around 60k. He revelled that this had been going on around 5-6 years, he moved out of our home to his parents for around a month, he seemed support, counselling and I agreed to support him through this.
This year around February time I find out he has decided himself that he does not need the counselling, during this time he had made no effort at home, no effort on our marriage or his recovery from addiction.
fast forward to last week, I put a water bottle into his work bag so he didn’t forget it. I can see a pile of letters, my heart instantly sunk, I panicked whether there was more debt I didn’t know about, eviction notices etc. I took them out to read through them and realised they were all old letters that he must of been hiding in there. As I put them back I felt a package, I pulled it out and looked inside to find 2 bras, completely shocked not being what I thought I was going to find at all! Two different sizes and definitely not mine!! He was putting my daughter to bed and didn’t know what to do, he came down and I confronted him. He confirmed that he had bought them off a selling site for to use for his own pleasure. He was obviously very shocked I had found them, he packed up went to his parents and left his wedding ring.
im at a complete loss, I was just recovering from the trust lost regarding the finances but now I have a completely different trust issue! It made me feel physically sick he would do this, I’m even struggling to look at him. I don’t know what to do next, feeling exhausted. Please help 😔

OP posts:
LordSnot · 07/06/2024 16:23

How had you recovered the lost trust from the gambling when he made zero change or effort?

He's a loser. Life is precious. Don't waste another week with him.

itsmylife7 · 07/06/2024 16:26

Don't worry about the bra fetish.

Worry about the gambling and him not being bothered to deal with it.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 07/06/2024 16:27

I’d probably never look at him again because he’d be back at his parent’s house. Gambling addiction and debt / underwear fetish - lovely.

yogibear31 · 07/06/2024 16:30

Eeew no. You were stronger than me to stick by the gambling especially knowing how addictions are life long but if this is how he repays you.
Nah sell the ring before he does.
Grubby little perv.

Babbahabba · 07/06/2024 16:33

That is so weird & odd. Does he wear them? 🤮

HowDoTheyManageAtAll · 07/06/2024 16:37

He's run up debts of £60k
He wanks over worn bras
He makes no effort with your marriage or in the home.

Seek legal advice on divorce and the house

Live4theday · 07/06/2024 16:38

Nope, as far as I’m aware doesn’t wear them, they were both quite small so I don’t think he does?

OP posts:
Ciderlout · 07/06/2024 16:40

Leave leave and leave

Babbahabba · 07/06/2024 16:48

It's a moot point anyway. Combined with the gambling, debts and lack of effort in his recovery, he's a complete dud. Get rid of him.

OldTinHat · 07/06/2024 16:52

I think you have bigger issues to worry about than the bras.

May I suggest you write a list? For continuing this relationship and against. How does he enhance your life, etc. How would your life look like without that debt and drama?

I think you know, really. Big decision to make, though, the practicalities. But you deserve far, far more. And you can absolutely do this.

vanillaclouds · 07/06/2024 16:52

Op that's awful why do woman put up with this as a life.
He's not the only man in the world and he's not a very nice one.
What will be next?
All the things he is doing are escape from reality related from addiction to fantasy, he's never going to be content living down to earth in the real world and will always be looking for the next dopamine hit.
How much are you prepared to go through for this one man? Affairs prostitution? I suspect you only know the tip off the ice berg as he's an irresponsible thrill seeker with no self control.

Menomeno · 07/06/2024 16:55

I know it’s highly unlikely but these kinds of behaviours are quite common in people who are taking dopamine agonists. Is he on any medication?

Steakandwine · 07/06/2024 16:57

He's creepy and gambles, I think you know what you need to do.

Live4theday · 07/06/2024 16:58

The only medication he takes is for diabetes, but that’s fairly new.

OP posts:
RoobarbAndMustard · 07/06/2024 17:13

Live4theday · 07/06/2024 16:58

The only medication he takes is for diabetes, but that’s fairly new.

Some T2 medications are dopamine agonists. Do you know what he's taking? Check with a pharmacist.
My FIL was taking a dopamine agonist for his Parkinson's and his behaviour and risk taking went haywire.

LadyMuckRake · 07/06/2024 17:14

HowDoTheyManageAtAll · 07/06/2024 16:37

He's run up debts of £60k
He wanks over worn bras
He makes no effort with your marriage or in the home.

Seek legal advice on divorce and the house

Please dump him. You're allowed to say nope, had enough

LadyMuckRake · 07/06/2024 17:14

I quoted that post because I agree

Aquamarine1029 · 07/06/2024 17:17

I don’t know what to do next

Yes, you do. You know you need to divorce him. He must not ever come back. This man is going to destroy your life if you allow him to. It's over.

rwalker · 07/06/2024 17:19

long shot how is he health wise and how old

friend has Parkinson’s looking back 5 before symptoms he went from not gambling to gambling himself to bankruptcy and was obsessed with sex like he was a teenager that just discovered it

apparently it to do with changes in the brain you develope obsessions and compulsions

MaryFuckingFerguson · 07/06/2024 17:23

Ew. The bra thing alone would have me showing him the door. <shudder>

duende · 07/06/2024 17:32

What has he done to regain your trust after gambling away 60k?
This is such a massive amount of money, you could have done great things with it.

Not only he abused your trust and lost a ton of money but he makes no effort on the relationship front and has quit therapy.

Why would you stay?
This is more than enough to leave, icky bra fetish or not.

SamW98 · 07/06/2024 17:33

HowDoTheyManageAtAll · 07/06/2024 16:37

He's run up debts of £60k
He wanks over worn bras
He makes no effort with your marriage or in the home.

Seek legal advice on divorce and the house

Absolutely this

PickAChew · 07/06/2024 17:40

It's ducks in a row and SHL time. Use this time he's out of the house to find out as much as possible.

Mischance · 07/06/2024 17:50

The obsessions seen in people with Parkinson’s relate to one type of medication used rather than the illness itself. I speak from personal experience of my late OH. So, unless your OH is on. One of these, then this will not offer any explanation.

It is so painful when our life’s partner does not turn out quite as we had thought and believed them to be. Only you can decide how much in the way of unfulfilled expectations you can handle. To be honest l would feel a bit squeamish about an underwear fetishist parenting my DD.

I am sorry that you are facing this and send strength and good wishes.

NorthernInLondonx · 07/06/2024 18:04

Despite the stress and upheavel he’s caused you and your children through the gambling etc. he’s still felt horny enough to buy used bras??? You deserve so much better. You’re supporting everyone, he’s just a sad, debt ridden man wanking into a worn bra. Sending you strength ! x

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