Feeling resentful of mum

[Sbtab]

I feel so guilt writing this but sometimes I feel very resentful of my mum. I love her and enjoy spending time with her but in between times I think a lot of negative thoughts about the past. I think she was a controlling parent with the best of intentions. She has always wanted to be in charge of everything I do, including relationships and career. I had mental health issues when I was younger, such as anxiety, depression, eating disorders, self-harm, all of that, but she never seemed to think that was a problem and was only concerned about my academic achievement and education. I think some of these issues stemmed from frequently moving to a new area. Nothing could stand in the way of me being the perfect high-achieving daughter. She had an image in her mind of who she wanted me to be and I had to be that at all cost. I've ended up doing a job I don't like because it was what she wanted me to do and now it's too late to change direction.
I feel part of the problem is she disapproves of my life (married, lots of animals, no kids, not exactly flush with cash) and isn't happy with how I have turned out. But I think my life could have been different if she'd have cut me some slack when I was struggling instead of just pushing me to keep achieving and valued things other than having a certain type of job. I'd like to have done something different with my life but I wasn't 'allowed' but then I was expected to put work on the backburner to have children.
It's like she blames me and says she tried so hard to get everything right as a parent, I think the way she was was part of the problem.

I don't know how to move on

Time to cut the umbilical cord OP and be your own person.

No need to do it with a fanfare and big announcement. Doesn’t mean you have to stop enjoying her company, doesn’t mean arguments. Just think about what your future might look like without her influence over you and subtly start taking steps to do what you want to do and what will make you stronger and happier. Play your cards close to your chest.

It might be a long journey but hopefully with spousal support and small steps in the right direction, you’ll get there.

Is it really too late to change direction?

People do career changes quite often in later life or start studying - why not you? How old are you?

You can't change the past, but you can come to grips with your future and start calling the shots for yourself.

The way to move on, I think, is to take charge from here on out.

Have you told your mum any of this? If it wasn’t for this bit feel part of the problem is she disapproves of my life (married, lots of animals, no kids, not exactly flush with cash) and isn't happy with how I have turned out. But I think my life could have been different if she'd have cut me some slack when I was struggling instead of just pushing me to keep achieving and valued things other than having a certain type of job. I'd like to have done something different with I would feel that I am your mum and you are my daughter.

Maybe your mum realises her mistakes but can’t express this to you as she js embarrassed and a bit ashamed of how you were treated -not out of toxicity but of how she thought it was best at the time.

I'm 45 and we're not really in a financial position.

Tbh, I don't really hate my job, I do enjoy it sometimes. I think I'll jobs are probably like that.

I'm just having a late teenage meltdown of 'my mum doesn't care that I'm unhappy cos she doesn't love me'

Yep, I think if I could just 'own' stuff, so to speak, and be happy with myself, I would feel better

I think that's right. I think she does feel guilty and isn't someone who is very open about her feelings. I think we both feel guilty and that is where the resentment comes from tbh

I think its time to take control at 45 years old of your life.

Best proud of your choices, even if others are not. The job can you changed and you can train if your deeply unhappy

I would tell your mother how you feel.

Maybe you're not in the position now, but it's something you could work towards. Five year plan, or something.

After all you've got 20 odd years in the workplace ahead of you, if you've got a burning desire to do something else, it's worth a try.

I think that it's important to try to come to terms with the fact that even with the best intentions parents will most likely get parts of our upbringing"wrong". However hindsight is a fine thing, and we cannot know until our children grow what we needed to do differently.
Another child in your place could have grown up happy their mother pushed them into a certain field, or another altogether annoyed that their parent didn't.

As a parent to 2 older teens I worry about how I parent and am conscious of not always knowing how best to deal with long term parenting, but I hope that if a parent makes choices out of love and with the best intentions then children will recognise this down the line. I certainly do regarding my own mum.

Another child in your place could have grown up happy their mother pushed them into a certain field, or another altogether annoyed that their parent didn't.

Come on, @blablausername. No one could reasonably blame their parent for not "pushing" them into a certain career.

OP is describing a dynamic that's seen a lot on this thread, worth at least reading the first post:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5032064-march-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

I am grandma age. I changed career completely the age of 50. I went from a career in medical social work to freelancing as photographer, arts outreach and singing workshop leader…… mad on the surface of it and we took a big financial hit. BUT … I felt fulfilled and loved it. There were some crossover skills; for instance, some of my singing workshops were for people with mental health problems.

I found my Mum very difficult - I was not alone in that! - and I recognise that her influence has determined some of my choices in life, my relationships and my parenting. But there does come a point when you have to say: No - this is my life, I am a grown adult and I will do my “me”. It is partly about forgiving, however imperfectly - as, on the whole most parents do their best given their own upbringings and life influences.

In what way does your Mum currently influence your choices in life? Can you not simply say to yourself that you are a grown adult and can make your own choices, and bash on and do that?

It is also worth asking yourself what bits of how you were parented have actually been of benefit to you. It is very easy to get bogged down in the negatives and, to be frank, use those very real things to justify or excuse the things that YOU could have chosen to do differently. Some of your Mum’s pushiness around education might have their basis in the opportunities that she, as a woman, felt were denied to her or that she had to struggle for. I know that my Mum felt undersold when it came to educational opportunities and that accounted for much of her general bitterness that inhibited her parenting skills.

This is YOUR life - you can grab it by the balls whilst at the same time acknowledging that your Mum was not quite as you might have wished (who is?!). I do not think you need to have agonising heart-to-hearts with her - just be you and do your own thing. You do not have to cut the ties in an overt and dramatic way, even though I am sure a bit of you wants to tell her how she got it wrong - we are only human! But you can impart that message simply by living your chosen life with confidence - she does not have to approve of you lifestyle and all your animals - that would not be my bag at all! - and you do not need to seek her approval and feel this has to be present - that is your inner child speaking to you and you are not that child anymore. She can disapprove all she wants and it matters not one jot!

You have a lot of living ahead to do - just get on and do it!

Stop caring if she gets upset or disapproves of your choices. It really is ok if she doesn't agree with you. She'll get over it, I assure you.

I'm just having a late teenage meltdown of 'my mum doesn't care that I'm unhappy cos she doesn't love me'

Not at all. There’s no need to invalidate yourself anymore. ‘My mum does not care that I’m unhappy because she doesn’t love me’. Your inner child has the honesty and need for authenticity to explore this. And you now have the power to go on that journey.

Do you have some good people in your life who you can talk to?

I agree with this. They call it self differentiation in systemic family therapy. Maybe look it up? I’ve found Jerry Wise in YouTube so interesting about this - focus on freeing your mind and staying calm. He talks a lot about anxiety in families - your mum sounds anxious and her anxiety about you has controlled you. But you can free yourself without cutting her off.

I am estranged from mine due to controlling and negative behaviour (quiet nasty a lot of the time) i am are up with guilt at times but I’ve had the most peaceful six months of my life

Controlling parents are abusive and do not act with the best of intentions. Her so called best was not good enough and she also wanted you to be a idealised image of her own self. She’s used you also to act out her failed dreams re life and career. Put her on an information diet and dial down on the current levels of contact gradually over time.

She likely feels no guilt nor remorse as to her treatment of you. She has not apologised nor has accepted and responsibility for her actions by the looks of it.

Is your dad in your life now , I ask only as he is not mentioned.

Deal with any and all fear obligation and guilt you have re her through therapy. I would also suggest you read If you had controlling parents by Dr Dan Neuharth as it could help you no end.

I had a controlling mum but she didn’t want the best for me , she went the other way and tried to sabotage me so I wouldn’t be good at things or have good educational opportunities ( think she didn’t want me to be better than her) first time she managed to pay me a compliment I was 32 and it was grudging ! It’s your life ignore her and do what you want change careers if you like and don’t tell her anything if you know she won’t be kind , her thoughts are her problem not yours xx

What if anything do you know about your mothers own childhood?. Chances are her parents treated her similarly too. She though had a choice when it came to you and chose the low road rather than seek the necessary help.

If you want to lower contact levels I would say it’s also ok to have no contact with someone like your mother is either.

You do not need her approval so stop seeking it, she would not give you this anyway. It’s not your fault she is the ways she is and you did not make her that way.

Make peace with yourself and if you have to keep her at arms length or go very low or no contact to make your voice an thoughts out loud do it.

She is not going to change, she is not going to admit any fault. Talking with her could be both ways she will turn everything upside down or she will be very disappointed of you because you are like you are.

Let her go if you have to, for the best of your future, or keep the relationship brief and superficial, but the first thing you need to do is find your peace and your strength to do it. You worth much more that she thinks you do.