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Original poster

Full time work disagreements

41 replies

Smith90 · 07/06/2024 13:58

hi everyone I wonder if you could help me with this issue me and my husband are having.
we have a LO who is 2 years old, my husband works full time and I was part time until our mortgage went up a considerable amount and I had no choice but to go back full time.
this really upset me as I wanted to spend time with our little one before he grows up. He goes to nursery 3 times a week and grandparents twice a week.
I carry alot of guilt over working and not being with him. Now that our payments have settled and we’re clear on our finances, I feel like I would rather have less money and go back to 4 days a week as it’s only short term and I know il regret it.
however my husbands response is always ‘ what about me? I’d like a day with him too? But I have to work full time!?’
it’s upsetting and stressful for me because I didn’t even want to work full stop after he was born but we couldn’t afford it.
how do I reply to this?? Surely it’s my career choice and as long as I can pay my half why does it matter? We can’t discuss it anymore without me getting upset and it becomes a pointless argument then.
thanks if you’ve read this far, I’d love some advise.

OP posts:
PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 07/06/2024 14:02

If you can afford your half on a 4 day week can he? If so why can’t you both be part time on 4 days a week - one Monday one Friday etc.

Original poster
Smith90 · 07/06/2024 14:05

Unfortunately we wouldn’t afford us both doing 4 days, we could just scrape by with one of us doing it. He thinks I’m being unrealistic and u fair

OP posts:
Longdueachange · 07/06/2024 14:05

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 07/06/2024 14:02

If you can afford your half on a 4 day week can he? If so why can’t you both be part time on 4 days a week - one Monday one Friday etc.

I agree with this. Both reduce to 4 days, then your lo will have the best of both worlds, with a combination of nursery, grandparents and 4 days a week with at least one parent.

DoreenonTill8 · 07/06/2024 14:06

Smith90 · 07/06/2024 14:05

Unfortunately we wouldn’t afford us both doing 4 days, we could just scrape by with one of us doing it. He thinks I’m being unrealistic and u fair

Well you are. Why can't he also work part time as long as he's paying his half?

Longdueachange · 07/06/2024 14:07

Longdueachange · 07/06/2024 14:05

I agree with this. Both reduce to 4 days, then your lo will have the best of both worlds, with a combination of nursery, grandparents and 4 days a week with at least one parent.

Show quote history

Crossed with your update @Smith90. So you could still pay your half on 4 day, but he wouldn't be able to. Is he resentful that you earn more?

Wafflefudge · 07/06/2024 14:09

Could you both fo a 9 day fortnight and alternate the day with your child.

Original poster
Smith90 · 07/06/2024 14:10

We would save money from taking him out of nursery for a day but he thinks that it means we would have no money to do nice things and go on days out etc. he earns more than me but because of saving from nursery fees I could cover my half of the mortgage but that’s about it….

OP posts:
Original poster
Smith90 · 07/06/2024 14:12

Never thought of this, could be an option Thankyou!!

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 07/06/2024 14:14

Honestly I have some sympathy for him here, Ultimately you working a day less per week means there is going to be more financial pressure on him and it doesn't seem that ye are particularly flush now,
If your husband had announced that he felt he was missing out and was going to work 4 days - how would that make you feel.

I think in reality. both partners need to be on board when making these sort of decisions.

ElaineMBenes · 07/06/2024 14:16

Your husband has a point.

This needs to be a joint decision.

Bobbotgegrinch · 07/06/2024 14:32

I'm with your husband on this. Sounds like you can't afford to be on 4 days a week, and why should he have to sacrifice if you dont.

Original poster
Smith90 · 07/06/2024 14:32

Crazycrazylady · 07/06/2024 14:14

Honestly I have some sympathy for him here, Ultimately you working a day less per week means there is going to be more financial pressure on him and it doesn't seem that ye are particularly flush now,
If your husband had announced that he felt he was missing out and was going to work 4 days - how would that make you feel.

I think in reality. both partners need to be on board when making these sort of decisions.

i do understand that and yes it would make me feel crappy. He’s saying it’s less money to do nice things not necessarily that we couldn’t get by and I do get the financial strain comment you made. I’m the only one out of all my colleagues/ friends that work full time and have children so I find it’s a hard pill to swollow I suppose

OP posts:
Smithhy · 07/06/2024 14:40

What about compressed hours instead of part time?

CowTown · 07/06/2024 14:42

In my opinion, the lower earner should work the 4 day week, as it’s better for the overall finances of the house.

But if you had the PT hours previously, perhaps your DH should start working 4 days. As a family, you’d only like DH to be in nursery 2 days per week, and that is perfectly reasonable.

”We agreed before the mortgage crisis that DC would only be in daycare 2 days per week. Now that things have calmed down, and you’ve expressed an interest in being home with him the extra day and working a 4-day week, I think it’s only fair that you should have first refusal to be the one to stay home with him. If you would rather continue working a 5-day week, I’ll go back to PT.”

WhyamInotvomiting · 07/06/2024 14:46

CowTown · 07/06/2024 14:42

In my opinion, the lower earner should work the 4 day week, as it’s better for the overall finances of the house.

But if you had the PT hours previously, perhaps your DH should start working 4 days. As a family, you’d only like DH to be in nursery 2 days per week, and that is perfectly reasonable.

”We agreed before the mortgage crisis that DC would only be in daycare 2 days per week. Now that things have calmed down, and you’ve expressed an interest in being home with him the extra day and working a 4-day week, I think it’s only fair that you should have first refusal to be the one to stay home with him. If you would rather continue working a 5-day week, I’ll go back to PT.”

I agree with this. Me and DH both work PT. I'm the lower earner overall but I have a complicated employment situation so on the day DH is off and I'm working, I work a sort of self-employed job that pays only very slightly less than DH's day rate. So we thought this was still a good choice so DH and kids get more time together. But wouldn't have been wise if I had been earning a lot less than him on that day obviously. Our 2yo goes to nursery 2 days a week when we are both at work.

Catnipcupcakes · 07/06/2024 14:48

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable. If you can’t work out a way that you both get to spend a bit more time with your son I think, given that he’s pushing back pretty hard just on the suggestion of it he’ll be very resentful if you insist on going PT again now.

How would you feel if he announced tomorrow that he was going part time so he could spend an extra day with LO and you had to stay full time to support that?

It really has to be a joint decision and it doesn’t sound like you just going to 4 days is something that will work. There may be other solutions though that offer dh more work/life balance too. I hope you find one.

Nouvellenovel · 07/06/2024 14:49

Are you equal at weekends for lie ins and hands on parenting and general cleaning?
Who earns the most?

Personally I would tell him you're going down to 4 days.
If he wants to do the same then you're going to gave to have to work something out.

ElaineMBenes · 07/06/2024 14:53

Personally I would tell him you're going down to 4 days.

That's not how relationships are supposed to work.

GrumpyPanda · 07/06/2024 14:54

PT should be evenly distributed if both parents want to equally share childcare. That said, now you're both on FT are you both doing equal amounts of both childcare and housework during your time off or does one of you get more leisure time than the other? Too many examples on here of dads going pt and using the time gained for gaming or similar.

maw1681 · 07/06/2024 15:02

If he can't go down to 4 days could he do compressed hours to get an afternoon off to spend with DS?
Just because he would like to have a day with DS too it doesn't mean you can't either, if you financially can afford for you to do it but not him.

Babbahabba · 07/06/2024 15:07

Other options- 4.5 days each or 9 days a fortnight?

You don't get the trump card as the woman or lower earner. Could you increase your earnings?

Original poster
Smith90 · 07/06/2024 15:09

Lots of ideas here and I appreciate them all! I think we are going to book some days off separately to spend quality time with him until we have a long term solution!!

OP posts:
TillyTrifle · 07/06/2024 15:13

Honestly it’s nice to read about a man who wants to reduce his working time to spend time with his child instead of just assuming the woman will. My husband and I both did four days and it worked brilliantly but I appreciate we were lucky to be able to financially. My DH would have been very sad to miss that time with our kids while I had it and I would have HATED it if only he had that day off with them.

I think it’s lovely that you both want more time with your son, he’s obviously very loved.

Some good ideas have been suggested like both going to a nine day fortnight. In the meantime, taking some leave to have nice odd days with him will be great - also shows your husband is walking the walk and not just talking the talk to keep you working full time with no intention of ever actually reducing his hours.

Bananasplitz97 · 07/06/2024 15:16

Can you both reduce your hours by 3 each and both work 4 longer days? Will massively reduce your child care bill too

Ihateslugs · 07/06/2024 15:41

My daughter and her partner have worked out an arrangement which means that when her maternity leave finishes, they will both have a day off each week and their baby goes to nursery three days a week. This plan will only work because my daughter has a wfh contract and her employers have agreed that she will work full time but condensed into four days. Her partner is self employed and can work from home or in a managed office space he rents. So he will fit his work into a mix of four longer days and evenings to catch up.

My daughter does have to travel to London, Europe and the US periodically but her partner will step in and do all child care while she is away. She will try to pick her travel days for the three days the baby is booked in at nursery.

They do have a some support from family, partners parents live about 15 minutes away and are retired so are around for emergencies. I am also retired but live an hour away and have mobility problems so am not much use!

I guess that if you and your partner do not wfh at least part time than you don’t have as much flexibility to juggle childcare, my daughter is the only person in her fairly large company on a full wfh contract but she negotiated it at her interview and as they really wanted her, they agreed. Otherwise I think the only way to share time off with your baby is for both of you to ask for condensed hours (41/2 days over 4 days?), or work 9 days a fortnight.

I do think though that you should not just assume that as the mother, you are “entitled” to go part time while your husband is forced to remain full time.

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