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Original poster

Full time work disagreements

41 replies

Smith90 · 07/06/2024 13:58

hi everyone I wonder if you could help me with this issue me and my husband are having.
we have a LO who is 2 years old, my husband works full time and I was part time until our mortgage went up a considerable amount and I had no choice but to go back full time.
this really upset me as I wanted to spend time with our little one before he grows up. He goes to nursery 3 times a week and grandparents twice a week.
I carry alot of guilt over working and not being with him. Now that our payments have settled and we’re clear on our finances, I feel like I would rather have less money and go back to 4 days a week as it’s only short term and I know il regret it.
however my husbands response is always ‘ what about me? I’d like a day with him too? But I have to work full time!?’
it’s upsetting and stressful for me because I didn’t even want to work full stop after he was born but we couldn’t afford it.
how do I reply to this?? Surely it’s my career choice and as long as I can pay my half why does it matter? We can’t discuss it anymore without me getting upset and it becomes a pointless argument then.
thanks if you’ve read this far, I’d love some advise.

OP posts:
SocoBateVira · 07/06/2024 16:13

Start by doing the sums. Your husband thinks you wouldn't be able to afford treats, but he doesn't know. The 5th day of the week is the worst paid, and lots of people on average wages aren't much/any better off at all once nursery costs are paid.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 07/06/2024 17:56

Why dont you both aim for 9 days in 10?

Parker231 · 07/06/2024 17:58

Smith90 · 07/06/2024 14:05

Unfortunately we wouldn’t afford us both doing 4 days, we could just scrape by with one of us doing it. He thinks I’m being unrealistic and u fair

I think you are being unfair - why should he work full time and not you? Why can’t he drop to four days and you remain at 5?

Catnipcupcakes · 07/06/2024 18:20

Smith90 · 07/06/2024 15:09

Lots of ideas here and I appreciate them all! I think we are going to book some days off separately to spend quality time with him until we have a long term solution!!

That sounds like you’re communicating well and you’ll be able to come to some agreement. 😊

Lighteningstrikes · 07/06/2024 18:51

Personally I think your DH is mean (and possibly a bit controlling).

In the whole scheme of things, it's only a relatively short moment in time, and he's depriving you of that.

If it was me, I would just do it and say, if it doesn't work, I'll up my hours again.

It will work though, because of course you'll make it work.

Good luck💐

DoreenonTill8 · 07/06/2024 18:52

Lighteningstrikes · 07/06/2024 18:51

Personally I think your DH is mean (and possibly a bit controlling).

In the whole scheme of things, it's only a relatively short moment in time, and he's depriving you of that.

If it was me, I would just do it and say, if it doesn't work, I'll up my hours again.

It will work though, because of course you'll make it work.

Good luck💐

Controlling? How?

ElaineMBenes · 07/06/2024 18:55

Lighteningstrikes · 07/06/2024 18:51

Personally I think your DH is mean (and possibly a bit controlling).

In the whole scheme of things, it's only a relatively short moment in time, and he's depriving you of that.

If it was me, I would just do it and say, if it doesn't work, I'll up my hours again.

It will work though, because of course you'll make it work.

Good luck💐

What?!

How ridiculous.

It's not controlling in the slightest 🙄

sunshinerainstorm · 07/06/2024 19:56

He would rather nobody spend the day with his own child out of spite. What a guy. What a Great father. NOT.

No it's not 'fair' that you'd get a day with baby a week and he doesn't but life's not fair. Finances don't allow and as he's the higher earner it doesn't make sense for it to be him to lose a day a week pay. As that as more of a bad Dominican impact on the whole family. Surely all you should care about is providing and that baby isn't in nursery as much and is having quality time with a parent.

Thank god my husband puts out kids first instead of himself.

CowTown · 07/06/2024 20:05

sunshinerainstorm · 07/06/2024 19:56

He would rather nobody spend the day with his own child out of spite. What a guy. What a Great father. NOT.

No it's not 'fair' that you'd get a day with baby a week and he doesn't but life's not fair. Finances don't allow and as he's the higher earner it doesn't make sense for it to be him to lose a day a week pay. As that as more of a bad Dominican impact on the whole family. Surely all you should care about is providing and that baby isn't in nursery as much and is having quality time with a parent.

Thank god my husband puts out kids first instead of himself.

I kind of get this impression too—he can’t be raising the baby at home, therefore nobody should be raising the baby at home, and DS should be in childcare. It’s only two years until DS starts school anyway, so OP should be able to stay home that one day.

Parker231 · 07/06/2024 20:08

sunshinerainstorm · 07/06/2024 19:56

He would rather nobody spend the day with his own child out of spite. What a guy. What a Great father. NOT.

No it's not 'fair' that you'd get a day with baby a week and he doesn't but life's not fair. Finances don't allow and as he's the higher earner it doesn't make sense for it to be him to lose a day a week pay. As that as more of a bad Dominican impact on the whole family. Surely all you should care about is providing and that baby isn't in nursery as much and is having quality time with a parent.

Thank god my husband puts out kids first instead of himself.

The OP only says that financially both can’t drop to four days. Why can’t the DH work four and the OP five?

Jennyathemall · 07/06/2024 20:11

Lighteningstrikes · 07/06/2024 18:51

Personally I think your DH is mean (and possibly a bit controlling).

In the whole scheme of things, it's only a relatively short moment in time, and he's depriving you of that.

If it was me, I would just do it and say, if it doesn't work, I'll up my hours again.

It will work though, because of course you'll make it work.

Good luck💐

Jesus Christ.

Original poster
Smith90 · 07/06/2024 21:08

I wasn’t expecting so many replies and comments on this.
firstly- thank-you for the honesty even if a few were a bit spicy!! Mostly helpful comments and good ideas.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smith90 · 07/06/2024 21:17

TillyTrifle · 07/06/2024 15:13

Honestly it’s nice to read about a man who wants to reduce his working time to spend time with his child instead of just assuming the woman will. My husband and I both did four days and it worked brilliantly but I appreciate we were lucky to be able to financially. My DH would have been very sad to miss that time with our kids while I had it and I would have HATED it if only he had that day off with them.

I think it’s lovely that you both want more time with your son, he’s obviously very loved.

Some good ideas have been suggested like both going to a nine day fortnight. In the meantime, taking some leave to have nice odd days with him will be great - also shows your husband is walking the walk and not just talking the talk to keep you working full time with no intention of ever actually reducing his hours.

Thankyou for your kind comment, some of these are brutal :D

OP posts:
Jeannie88 · 07/06/2024 21:34

All depends on the types of jobs you do. If he or you are an emergency worker or wfh, so one is out and other can be flexible etc. X

SheilaFentiman · 07/06/2024 21:40

Each doing a 9 day fortnight sounds perfect

DH and I each did 4 days a week and it was great to both have time with them

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/06/2024 21:46

I agree with your DH but I think pp's have offered some great suggestions where it means both of you can spend more time with your son.

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